My parents were far from perfect parents and even worse grandparents to my children.
They became homeless and guess where they wound up. And now my mother's dying of colon cancer. What will happen, once she's gone, to my father.
I resent the time they expect me to spend with them. Is it right that I should cook for them, if my father is capable. I have stepped back and allowed them the time to do it themselves. Even my mother is still relatively able bodied. They can't seem to understand that she needs complex carbohydrates and lots of them. When I get involved she puts weight on, and when I step back she loses it.
BUT I have my own family to look after and don't feel this should be my duty and wonder is this another ploy to suck me in. For that is how I feel, drained, depressed. Goodness they ruined the beginning of my life and now they're sapping me while my children are teenagers and really need me. And really just spoiling the latter years of my time with my precious time with my children.
They are so lonely and do everything to trap me in their space (not actually how it is, but how it feels). I feel so guilty permanently wriggling out of the responsibilities they try to impose on me.
In fact I don't feel guilty, I feel angry with the whole situation and can't believe how self centered everyone seems to be. I'm trying to be too, but feel sad and know that the guilt will set in when they've gone.
I just don't feel I should be taking on the role that has been imposed (I use that word rather a lot) on me. I still love my parents, but resentment is a major factor. As is the fact that I have never really had any time for them as they irritate the hell out of me. Am I just intolerant? Or am I feeling this because there is such an unequal balance of giving. They are so vulnerable and I would probably have more time for strangers than them. This is eating away at me. I can't ask them to leave at this point, obviously. It is so suffocating. Sorry for being so self obsessed in this mail, but I am venting and feel better.