RESENTMENT( end of tether)

by Ann
(Scotland)

Hi all,my dad died in 1999 when mum was only 56,since then I took over dads role. Mum has always seeked attention saying she was ill since early forties and dad was her carer.

When he died my younger sister gave birth to her second child 2 months later therefore, releasing her responsibilities, though I had 2 kids aged 12 and 9.

This has caused a rift between me and my sister as she has not shared responsibility for our mother, only keeping brief contact in the last 13 years. Whereas mum demands I am there every day.

Mum uses emotional black mail, says she is feeling ill,this ensures I don't have my own life, no days out/ holidays with husband.

Had to give up work 2 years ago due to stress as I became a grandmother,daughter single parent,and I could no longer cope with baby sitting duties, mother, and working full time.

This has had an effect on my life, low confidence, isolation,I no longer have friends and my week consists of 7 days mother, visits every day and full day out Saturday, taxis to church on Sunday 4 times in that day.

My husband is due to leave me, as he wants a companion wife, this has also put financial pressure on him being the sole breadwinner.

Sister only visits every 10 days, and mother boasts how well her career is, her wealth, bought new cars,house, etc. and I feel like screaming.

To make things worse, mums older sister lost her husband,and her 2 daughters have been like my sister,mum says that's okay they have a life of there own.
What about me?
Please give an opinion:

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CARING FRIEND
by: Wendy

Hi Ann, I can feel your resentment. I too have been in a similar position, and have come to realize that my mother is unable to empathize with others. She puts on a cheerful disposition with others, but it is the self pitying side that I get.

It have found it difficult to watch people you care for getting older, and whilst I want to help her I have found it difficult to appreciate that she has no comprehension and neither does my sister, of the impact she is having on my marriage. Is this how it is for you.

I have personally turned to the Bach Flower Remedies and have found them invaluable in actually dealing with my elderly mother and letting go of my resentment to my sister who does not seem have a caring nature.

I send you my best wishes and a hug and let you that you have been heard and knowing that others understand helps.

Wendy

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Put Your Foot Down
by: Crazy parent needs firm NO

My heart goes out to you and all the people taking these awful roles on as our siblings boast about their lucrative careers and vacations. Yes, my brother does the same thing.

Have you asked yourself why you don't stand up to your mother's emotional blackmail? Or maybe it would be good for both of you, and your whole family to set an example of a kind person who is firm and recognizes her own needs?

You have to love yourself too or no one else will. How will they respect you if you don't respect yourself?

If I learn nothing else from this draining and challenging experience I want to learn that much! example: Mom used a hand cream today that set off a coughing, tearing and practically choking allergic reaction in me while we were eating out at a lunch place. "What's wrong with you?" she demanded. " I am allergic to whatever you put on your hands. I told you about that before."

Then she ranted for 5 minutes about how over sensitive I am and the world shouldn't have to change for me.
I got up and left the table gently saying, "excuse me, I can barely breathe." I returned.

She went on berating me. Finally I said, "you know the considerate thing to do would be for you to wash it off." She rolls her eyes and says, "OK" then she pours her water glass over her hands over the rug and makes a motion like washing her hands. Of course this did not help and she put the napkin she used right in front of me.

I didn't say anything more, hoping it would dissipate slowly away. But my lungs got worse.

Finally we finished lunch, I was miserable, she was happy with her meal and oblivious to me, and I got her over to the hearing aid place. I coughed for quite a while and finally the fresh air made the reaction go away.

After her appointment was over we walked towards the door and I spotted a restroom. "Please do me favor and wash your hands." She didn't give me a hard time this time and when she returned she actually apologized for her behavior.

Try being firm without losing control over your emotions. Try to say it nicely. It isn't easy, especially if we have been like a dirty rug for others all our lives!! Have you had enough of people treating you like that? I have!!

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