Resentful

by Hope

I've cared for my elderly Mother in my home for two years. She has four other children, two which welcome Her to come and stay.


She doesn't want to go and uses my love for her to avoid going, she see's that I am exhausted and tired of giving up what I want to do so I can be there for her, but she doesn't care. I love my Mother deeply, but I don't like her anymore.

I'm afraid that my level of resentment will soon surpass my love for her. I have repeatedly asked for a one week per month break, but this is too much for her. In two years I have had a total of an eight day break. My home is no longer my sanctuary, but a prison.

She does nothing for herself but go to the bathroom expecting me to happily wait on her hand and foot.

I can't do this much longer.

My husband thinks I'm horrible and doesn't understand how I can feel this way. I'm grateful for his patience but I'm at my wits ends. How can I resolve this situation and still live with myself when she passes?

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Sending Good Thoughts
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much Hope for getting back to us. I always wonder how it's going for people on this site who have let us into a small part of their world.
I look forward to hearing how it goes.

As for family, I have learned the hard way that the more I put out olive branches the uglier 'they' can act. I forgive (in my head-for me not for them) and move on.

Now, I take care of myself.

It's okay if family does not want to talk to me, they only raise my blood pressure when they do talk to me because I hold my tongue. I've made up a new family for myself (made up of true friends not frenemies).

Will be thinking of you.
m

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Thank you
by: Hope

i read each of your comments this morning and was deeply touched, thank you for taking the time to respond.

I'm sure each of you know how much it means to have your thoughts validated when you feel so isolated and question your sanity.

My husband does a great deal for Mom, but you are correct, if he did it all for two weeks he would understand my aggravation. I am grateful for his patience and understanding with Mom, but wish he would understand my feelings.

Unfortunately, my situation with my siblings has already hit rock bottom. One sibling is jealous that Mom is with me and spreads horrible lies to family. Hard to believe someone would be jealous of this situation, isn't it?

I have no real relationship left with any of them and when Mom is gone I will happily never speak to any of them again.

I have contacted a local assisted living facility, who agreed to accept Mom for one week a month. She doesn't outright refuse to go, but says she is just not ready. I see that would be best for Mom because AL actually offers an opportunity for the elderly to be more independent and she needs more interaction that I can provide.

I loved the comment about being able to be her daughter and enjoy your Mother again, that's it isn't it? We are so busy seeing to their every need, trying to live our lives around their needs, dealing with manipulative child like behavior and we are being robbed of enjoying precious time with our parents. How sad they do not understand this.

I will wait until after the Holiday's but Mom is going to have to give me a minimum of one week a month break so that I can feel like a normal person.

I think one of the hardest things about caring for a parent in your home is that you never really feel comfortable in your own home. It's like a constant house guest and you just can't relax and there seems to be escape from it.

It's amazing that comments from strangers have finally given me the courage and peace of mind to know that I must address my own needs and stand firm that I must have a break. I'll be sure to update you all in a few weeks.

I am extremely grateful to each of you for taking the time to respond to my desperate plea.

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Understand Completely!
by: Anonymous

Oh Hope,
Your words could easily be mine. It's is soooo much better now that I am not the sole caregiver for my mom's personal needs.

Although no one wants to go to assisted living, my mom went and she has adjusted.She is so loving cared for and although I still run around a lot with doctor visits, etc. I am able to be and feel like her daughter again.

You have siblings that are willing for your mom to live with them?? Go mom Go!

Does your husband do all the caregiving for mom or has he ever done it all for even two weeks? After he has done that, I'd like to hear how he feels about you continuing to live with mom and do all her care at the detriment of your own mental and probably physical health.

Sometimes, I really do not think our loved ones see how care giving is affecting us. If they really did, they would work with us to find solutions, right?

Only you can forgive you for anything you feel needs 'forgiving'. Even if everyone stopped talking to you (worst case?) only you will be able to sooth yourself knowing that you gave all you could give.

Let us know how it goes. Perhaps mom will live with the siblings for a couple years and then come back. Take it a day at a time (sometimes one moment at a time). If mom keeps living with you, find help for your mental health!
m Santa Rosa CA

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Me too
by: Anonymous

I'm sick of my mother too.

If you have siblings who are willing to take her, you should schedule them to come get her. I wish I could get a break from my mother.

Good luck

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To Resentful
by: KayPasa

I wish I had a sister or brother who would accept my mom into their homes. Perhaps, if you can summon up the courage, you'll just have to say to her, "One week per month, you have to go stay with one of your other children, because I'm worn out. I love you, but I need a break."

Sometimes I think they get to be very childlike and don't think of the difficulty of the situation...only what's comfortable for them. With my mom, I know she's thinking that she took care of my dad for years and so I must be able to do that for her.

She doesn't remember how exhausting it is and that she had people (me for one) who "spelled" her at times so she could have a rest. Good luck to you. Prayers going your way for peace and strength.

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