Resentful, Angry, Guilty, Need it to End
I am a primary caregiver for my mother who has COPD. She is at the point where she really needs to have someone with her 24 hours a day.
I do live with her, but I cannot continue to be a prisoner in this house. I have a part time job and am looking for a full time job so that I can move out and get my own life going again.
My brother helps with my mother a lot too (and also lives here). My sister comes to help, but I have another brother we barely see. I feel like I am the only one that can see that she needs more care than her untrained children can give her.
We brought in a professional caregiver two days a week, and she pointed out that something we had done with one of mom's medical machines was making it harder for her to breathe. Imagine how that felt, knowing that what we were trying to do to help, was done wrong, and therefore was causing her more suffering.
I do not feel qualified to assist her with all of her medical issues, medications, etc. I am afraid if I speak up, that my siblings will be angry with me for not just "being strong" and pushing on.
I have given everything I have, but you see, it is not ever going to be enough. I wish my mother would tell us she doesn't want us burdened with her care and that she is okay with going into assisted living or a nursing home.
I understand why a person would
not want to go into such care, but I think it is more realistic than a bunch of your kids running around stressing out trying to do the right thing when we are not trained medical staff.
It doesn't help if you do not have a close relationship with your parent. I have a tricky relationship with my mother. Past resentments and hurt feelings complicate things. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I have enormous amounts of anger already just from that.
As another person said on this website, maybe I could be more of a daughter to my mom if she was living some where getting the help she needs, and I was living some place else getting my life back on track. So much guilt and second guessing of one's self goes on.
Am I a good daughter? A good caregiver? Should I be doing this? Doing that? It goes on all day and night. I am trying not to think this way. I am trying to give myself a break and realize I can only do the best I can do.
I am not a doctor, I am not a nurse! What do you do when you feel like the only family member willing to point out that she needs much more care than we can provide?
It makes me feel like the uncaring one, as stupid as I know that is. Does anyone else go through so many mind games with themselves? It is exhausting in itself.
Thank you for listening, it has helped me to write this down. I appreciate the space to do so.