Resentful and Guilty

by Constance
(Texas)

My husband and I relocated to another state 3 1/2 years ago. My mother at the time was 69 and in good health came to live with us after 8 months of us relocating. We relocated to get a new start, my husband is 42 and I am 48. Our children (two grown daughters one 22 and the other 29) are independent and does not live with us.

The reason my mother said she wanted to move with us was because she was tired of my brother who is 45 taking her money, driving her vehicle, living with her and not helping her with any bills.

She also said she was very depressed and was gambling at the casino often which left her unable to live from month to month on her retirement income, which is over 3K per month.

By the way, I have an older sister who is on drugs, my oldest brother who does not assist with my mother at all but begs for her money all the time and she sends it to him often (this is the one she ran away from when she came to live with me). My youngest brother is in jail.

My father passed away 12 years ago, he was 68. I am the scapegoat. The middle child who my mother never had time for or paid any attention to, there are 4 us.

Since, my mother is not ill, she drives and can take care of herself, I asked her why is she living with my husband and I; she became very defensive, I asked her if she wanted me to help her find an apartment nearby and she told me she did not want to talk to me anymore.

I do all of the cooking and cleaning of the household. I often feel as if I am a maid, my mother will not cook or clean after herself unless I start complaining then she will go out and get herself some fast food, the only cleaning she does is wash her clothing.

She also smokes cigarettes, we do not allow her to smoke in the house but she goes in and out all day to smoke, she talks on the phone and has the speaker on while talking which is very disturbing because she is on the phone ALL OF THE TIME.

I try to talk to her about these things and she gets very defensive. My father passed away 12 years ago, he was 68.

I just do not feel my mother should be living with me, she is aging but not ill.

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Tiny House may be the answer
by: Advice Giver

Get her a separate dwelling outside your home. A tiny house called an "accessory dwelling" is allowed in Florida.

A lot of folks build a tiny house on trailers that can be hauled down the road like an RV. I'm getting ready to build one for myself and my daughter to live in. You might look into it. Just Google "tiny house" and be in awe of what you see!

Having her in one of those would keep her near you, but not all up in your business...and she would stay in her own home and smoke to her little hearts content! :) Good Luck to you!

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Time to Go, Love ya!
by: Anonymous

Wow! I feel for you! Your family members made me tired just hearing about them. Maybe it's my mood right now after dealing with my sister stirring the pot again over here for Thanksgiving but do you need a stranger to say "Put your relationship with your husband first. It's time to help mom move out"?

Okay, I said it.

Well, what's the alternative, really? Mom isn't talking to you anyway and wouldn't it be better to have someone not talking to you from their own house and not right inside yours?

What I have learned through all the years of being the main caregiver is that no one cares or will remember what I've done for mom.

So, with that being the reality, I have acquired a bit tougher skin with trying to please people.

Gosh, I hope this helps and doesn't make you feel worse (not my intention).

Let us know how it goes.
m in Santa Rosa CA

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