Removing myself from this toxic relationship

by Tya

Good Day, I would like to share my story please, I am the second youngest of 6 siblings. Three of my much older siblings have completely removed themselves from our 59 year old, diabetic father's lives because of burnt severely bridges.

My one other oldest and youngest(by one year) have fled overseas and do not offer anything but an occasional call once a blue moon.

It's hard to feel like everyone's using me, seeing on Facebook how everyone's shamelessly living their full, best lives whereas I'm been 'chosen' as the caregiver due to my admittedly doormat nature.

This would also be easier for me if our father figure wasn't as narcissistic, ungrateful, arrogant and entitled as he is. I feel manipulated by my father, although he hasn't been there for me during my childhood and teenage years, right now he's chosen every moment to guilt trip me about how his other children has 'abandoned' him and how I'm the 'only one he has left'.

Yet when the two who are overseas calls he praised them and bashes me whilst I'm in the room! Actually he's done so much wrong to me emotionally, financially and mentally that I'm beginning to understand why my other siblings have cut ties.

He also scolds me for not doing more, not calling more, not making the trip to see him more. Right now his pride doesn't allow him to call my other siblings and reach out for help because I suppose he thinks that I'm just easier to control, I personally can't reach out to my siblings because I don't think that's it's my place to tell them to put themselves back into a toxic emotionally abusive relationship that I'm trying to get away from.

I'm constantly filled with anxiety when even thinking about my situation and before interactions with him. The only thing I can see to do now is remove myself from the situation.

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Letting Go
by: Anonymous

Dear Tya (lovely name), I think if you read your post back you will see that you have embarked on a journey here, a process (probably a long one) to cut ties with an incredibly destructive person in your life.

It is important not to underestimate how difficult this is going to be. We have primal bonds to our caretakers (for obvious survival reasons) and unmet developmental needs remain unmet even when we are adults.

Put this together with the cultural myth of the perfect family and breaking away will take every ounce of your courage. Also, be prepared for kickback from other family members who will most probably paint you the most evil person to have ever lived.

Narcissists do not change and why should they when they are getting everything their own way? At 59 you could easily have 30 or so more years of this treatment.

If you ever feel fear at change then remember this prospect; there is more to fear from maintaining the status quo.I think from what you have said that you recognize that whatever you do for your father is never going to be enough.

You also recognize that your siblings have cut ties and that you are able to respect their autonomy. Time to apply that respect to yourself.

It takes a long, long time to accept that our parents are not the nurturing, loving caretakers that we need but believe me you are far from alone. You seem to have plenty of emotional intelligence, use this to navigate this challenge.

Relationships are not based on manipulation, cruelty and guilt but you already know this. Best of luck.

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