"Raising" my Mother-In-Law - Do I Hate her Now?

One year ago my Father In Law became terminally ill. Both parents were already struggling with their health and sustaining, although we weren't aware of how bad things really were until they moved in with us.


At first I felt like a hero. I had the time and resources to devote to their every need. My Father In Law died under my hospice care in my home. It had been discussed that my Mother In Law would move in with her daughter, but since she had already settled in with us, she stayed. I made my youngest son, 14 at the time, move out of his room to make room for his grandparents.

A year has gone by and things are getting worse. Especially my resentment. We get NO help from my bro/sis in law. They don't complain or criticize either, so at least I have that going for me.

When I do say something to my BIL, he says, "You asked for it," which we did not. I offered to take care of them during hospice, not for the rest of my life. She's not even MY mother. My husband goes back and forth about having his mom here. One minute he's ready to send her to a home, but then when one of us complains, he defends her. I would want my sons to defend me, so I get it, but I end up feeling like he's unfair.

She's disabled, but not invalid. She pees and poops herself, but won't do anything to prevent the accidents either. She lies about taking her medicine and went over two months without taking her insulin shots without telling anyone. She passes the most raunchy, loud and purposeful gas ever. She stands in the middle of the living room, and literally pushes the gas out. Then, if questioned about why she does it, she says she can't help it... I'm like... um... yes you can... I just saw you push it out of your body. In other words you could make it 20 feet to the bathroom, at which time it would probably eject naturally.

I used to let her have 'my' seat in the car. The front passenger seat, when my husband drove. She started getting in the habit of putting her left hand over on his leg, but close to his crotch. He would move it, and she would put it back. He told me it made him uncomfortable and would ask her to stop. After a few months, we told her to
sit in the back seat from now on.

I got her a dog right after her husband passed, for comfort, and now wish I never had. The dog pees because she won't care for her properly. She's been taught to beg and is rapidly gaining weight. She treats the dog better than she treats her own grand kids. She tells us to shut up and get lost and all kinds of stuff.

Everyone outside of our home thinks so highly of her. They think she's so wonderful. Why? Because she doesn't pee and poop herself in public or at her kids' homes. She doesn't tell her kids and their kids to shut up. She doesn't hit their animals with her cane. She doesn't wad up her pee soaked pads and shove them under her bed at their house. Did I mention how bad her room smells? She piles dirty pee and pooped clothes in her closet until the pile is 4' tall. She has to be told to clean and shower herself.

I feel like I hate her now. I used to love her dearly, but now cannot stand the site, sound or smell of her. I guess I'm just resentful. I knew things would change, but I didn't expect this.

I've tried to get my brother/sister in law to have an active part of her life, but they don't seem to want to. They like the status quo. My Sister In Law did tell me that she can hardly be patient with her for an hour and felt sorry for us. That's something, I guess. It would seem that if she was that aware of how hard it is, she would do more to offer us a break. We live one town over, about 25 minutes away. We drive to their town 3-4 days a week, but they have been to our house a total of 4-5 times each since she moved in a year ago.

Now I feel like I'm just complaining, so I'll wrap it up. And so you know, we've tried all sorts of approaches with no changes in her behavior. I am posting this so that if someone else has these same feelings they'll know their not alone. By the way, I'm a Christian and that only adds to my guilt. The Bible says we're to honor our elders, and take care of the widows, and care for our parents when they get old. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, so why do I resent it so much?

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I am so glad its not just me
by: Anonymous

My MIL moved in with us 4 years ago after a mini stroke. All it affected was her short term memory. She is also on dialysis 3 times a week. When she first moved in with us, she would get up and cook her own food.

Get her pills, do stuff for herself. We can tell when she thinks she's not getting the attention she thinks she should get cuz she wants to go to the hospital. 2 years ago, she quit doing anything.

She treats our house like its her own. She has to know everything we talk about at all times. Last week I walked out and told my husband I didn't know if I was coming back. He doesn't want to make her mad so he wont do anything about it. She craps herself all the time.

Her room and chair in her bedroom and the living room smells horrible. I do not even sleep in bed anymore. I love my husband with all my heart but I do not like him much right now. When he's not home she orders me around like I'm a maid. She has never liked me so now she thinks she has all the power.

My BP is almost to the point I'm going to need meds. I have panic attacks now, which I have never had. Hard for me to go to work. He works days. I work nights. She can't be left alone. We had to move our two grown girls into the same room for her to be here.

We can only go 2 hours from home for like a night cuz I refuse to go on vacation and leave the girls her. One of her daughters comes and gives her a shower for me. The other won't even come see her but 5-6 times a year. I am going to be the bad guy.

I'm calling a family meeting with both his sisters and his aunt for this Sunday. Wish me luck. I just want my life and my marriage back. Is that to much to ask for

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sister in laws hate me while i take care of their mom
by: Anonymous

I didn't mind taking care of my MIL in our home until I discovered her daughters bad mouth me behind my back to their mom and her pals, and that they have hated me all these 47 years. SO kind of them to let me do all the caregiving for their mother.

If I DARE to ask for their help, they get even meaner and become outraged if I make them feel guilty for not helping. Then when they come visit her, I have to make up their guest rooms...or DO I?? We kind caregivers have to STOP giving to the takers in our families. OR CHARGE THEM.

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Me too. I totally relate
by: Anonymous

My wife and i have been married 22 years now and my MIL has been at our house 20 years of this time. Her husband died about the time we got married. My MIL has not stayed in her house since.

It is VERY tough on a marriage as my wife has to care for her mom more and more every day. To start out, my MIL was in good health,but as time has gone by, not so much these days. I'm trying hard to do what i can but its not easy. God help us All.

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Taken for granted
by: Anonymous

My MIL did not want to stay with us when my kid was 1 year old as she did not want to be responsible for him. Result - I quit my career and stayed at home.

Within months she took a U-turn and said she cannot live without us. She has no health issue. All senses are fine. But keeps visiting doctors for nothing.

How could she and my husband take me for granted.. that I will live with her for the rest of my life? By the way, even I have parents who are not in such great health but are happy live on their own.

She doesn't want to care for her husband either.. wants my husband to do everything..
No privacy, no solace.. bearing this for last decade..

Frustrating..

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Ex mother in law
by: Anonymous

How would you like doing those things for a woman who isn’t even your mother in law anymore?

My ex cheated on me, then left his brother and mother to live with me. They originally moved in seven years ago to help us pay our mortgage. PS 7 years later, I still can’t pay my mortgage.

I hate all of them. My resentment grows by the day. But I need them to help me stay in my home and my kids in this school district.

HELP!!! 😩

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OMG
by: Anonymous

Wow! I am not alone! I can not imagine my mother in law intentionally shitting herself- That is so unfair to you and your children and I hope that you end up with your home back- she belongs in a home- and not yours!

My husband did not have a relationship with my mother-in-law for 30 years- saw her 5 times in 15 years when we got married and then 5 years ago we went and rescued her from a bad abusive marriage-

She had been an abusive drunk and he barely knew her- We got her into her own home that we purchased- and then she started having health problems- I notices she would not eat right and never took the medications she needed- then it started to get worse- she kept having to go back to the hospital as she put it she had a rare disorder that did kept her blood clotting- In reality she just never took her medications- she wanted only my husband to be there-

He has thought he was a bad son and always blamed himself for their failed relationships- She would talk like a child and say how much she loved him and rub his up and down his arms- Always wanted to be right next to him and when I would let him know she was lying he got upset with me-

I confronted her and she became so nasty!

I finally had friends of mine start helping- Everyone thought she was so sweet! So loving such a wonderful person- I see her as a mentally abusive mean woman who continues to be sickly obsessed with my husband. It has been getting worse over the past years and makes me angry- Recently, I told her that I was going to be checking everything that I was done with her manipulation-

I work with medical providers and felt that now she was only taking pain pills and all the symptoms she claimed to have did not make sense- So I took all out risk- went through everything- had her medications run through all pharmacies- got releases for all doctors and this week after refusing to do any exercise after having another stint redone-

I searched everything- Found 2 years of Plavix and baby aspirin all her antidepressants and all the vitamins for her anemia stashed in different containers and bottles throughout her belongings- she has caused all her health issues by neglect-

The only pills she took were Tramadol Ativan and Norcos- now an active addict- finally my husband is seeing it- she is trying to make up other illnesses now to keep him from being upset-

And then does this oh honey I love you don't feel guilty that I am sick statements- What the hell is wrong with some of these mother-in-laws- I get the creeps when she tries to get next to him-

I told her recently he was her son not her spouse and the way she tries to touch him is disgusting- I do not get it! Sick sick sick!!

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Once was happy taking care of her...now not so freakin much!
by: Anonymous

Wow, this was just what I needed... to see that others are in my shoes! We moved in with her after her husband died. She begged us to. I was so concerned about our relationship. She promised it would be okay. Yeah, not so much!

She has slowly been losing her memory and ability to care for herself. I was happy to do it, because I'm just built that way and so is my sweet husband. But, it has gotten so out of hand. She is a prima donna and bitches about everything.

She smells horrific and complains about dinner smelling bad while it’s cooking... Are you kidding me? Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Her other kids, yeah, not so much times 400!!!!

It's been six years and I'm at my breaking point. It's not just her; there are so many others in my life. I wonder how did I get here? I want to run away. I have no life, no privacy, no solace, and no relationship with my husband...nada! What to do?!!!! She too was promised never to be put in a home. I don't know if I can continue.

I know that she is not completely herself and I feel for her, but I am a person too. I don't want my life, which is passing at the speed of light, to consist of only this!

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Thank you
by: Anonymous

I am pleased to read these experiences of others. My MIL came to live with us two years ago after living alone until she couldn’t any more. I, too, am living with all of the above. There are other family members who help out if we beg, but they live two hours away so it isn’t easy. They also have limited patience and mostly don’t want to deal. Like some of you have stated, I miss my husband. I know that some day, it will get back to normal.

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Feel your pain
by: Karen

Okay I totally understand what you are going through I'm going through the same exact thing although she don't live with us we live with her this is how it began we moved from Chicago to Alabama to help them out and to be close to them.

As they were aging my husband's sister still lives in Chicago we get no support from them at all we bought a home there there for four years they could no longer afford their home due to health expenses so we sold our home and moved in with them what we've been there for 5 years now and dad passed away two years ago.

Now she is totally unbearable she mopes around says she has something to live for all the weekend of her two grandchildren and two great-grandchildren that she sees on a daily basis she's a drinker and so that's not a good thing either because so is my husband so is my husband now everything she does annoys me.

I need to stop this it's tearing me and my husband apart and she just he does not see it and that's bothersome to me she manipulates him all the time into doing what she wants in that I'm a bad person

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Since bothersome
by: Gc

Even though mil is now in very fancy, expensive private room in nursing home, I still metaphorically speaking, have her around my neck.

She's passed all the Alzheimer's tests, and Lawyers say she is still able to make her own decisions. Not so. In PA we are financially responsible for her when her money runs out - and she's buying muscle cream at $47 a tube!

And we cannot stop her crazy spending. At 94, she's been the bane of my life since I married her only son 50 years ago. I refuse to visit her. Her son is now her only visitor and he only visits when necessary.

She's turned everyone off with her narcissistic behavior. She thinks it's unfair that she has medical problems. She actually has only cared about herself and no one else. One reaps what one sows. MIL has never sowed one seed of kindness to anyone but herself. She reaps nothing.

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In the same boat
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat and happy to find I am not the only one...not that I would wish this on anyone.

My SO refuses to set boundaries for her Mom. She’s afraid to be left alone at night and refuses to go on vacations for which I am secretly glad. This has put quite the damper on our lives.

We have no lives anymore. Her Mom acts like she is helpless but is quite capable. What frustrates me to no end is when I say anything I am the villain.

I will not argue or have any opinions regarding my MIL. I have resolved I will live my life and take vacations by myself.

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GET HER OUT!
by: Mary

There is no other way to happiness. You must get her out of your home. Here are the steps:

1. Plan a family vacation without her. If you must, make it a romantic weekend for just you and your husband. Make plans for your son to stay at a friends for the weekend.

2. Set her up at respite care for a nearby (but not too near) nursing home or assisted living facility. It will cost about $100/day. It's worth twice that.

3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 at least twice in the next 6 months. DO NOT include her in the family vacation. Make it too difficult a trip for her (e.g. hiking the Grand Canyon).

4. After the 3rd. trip, tell her this will be her home now. In order to make this part work, you'll have to do your homework. Make an appointment with the facility and discuss cost. There is assistance for those unable to afford the cost. You'll have to find out what's available in your state, country, etc.

Trust me on this. I've been through exactly the same thing. Not only will you end up hating your MIL, you will end up resenting her family and even your husband. Once we got my MIL out of the house, my relationship with her became warm and caring.

I visited her at least 4 times per week and had her over for ALL family events and celebrations but NEVER allowed her to spend the night. I always made it clear that she would return home at the end of the day.

I even made it a point to take her shopping and site seeing two or three times a month. My daughter got her room back and was a much happier teen. Our family, including my MIL, was much happier.

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Life Without The Possibility Of Parole
by: Anonymous

My elderly mil lives with me and my husband. She is just old, living off the family. I am an epileptic. I am disabled by it. I cannot work or drive. I am on disability. So since I am the only one home I have to care for her.

People tell me "You know, you don’t have to do this" they are right! I don’t but who will? The other siblings scatter so they just Stop By to see her. For me to have a brain injury and I get Grand Mal Seizures. I do not get it?!

If I got my career taken away from me by a disability why do I have to take care of someone with a disability. She is controlling and demanding. When people come she is a perfect saint. If I say anything, I am crazy! She has them all under her thumb. The life without the possibility of parole means: I get to live but I will never experience freedom ever again!

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YOU are important too
by: Anonymous

As a carer of my 82 mother in law, there are two things I would say to carers who are newbies.

1. Remember the person you are caring for is no more important than you or your husband or your children and all of your respective needs. Their happiness should not be prioritized over your happiness to the extent that your lives are miserable, but theirs is totally happy. That's not a balanced or healthy mix for any family.

2. Find a funeral director and get a quote. Get a lawyer. Put assets into a burial trust such that you can and get Medicaid for care at home as soon as you know a person has dementia. Don't hesitate as situations get out of control very quickly. No one person can care for a person with dementia. Its not possible. You need paid help. Get that help before depression and exhaustion takes away your ability to even think coherently.

3. Ask other members of the family to take the care patient for a holiday in their own home. Everybody can spare some of their time for a holiday for their parents surely? And once they have done it themselves they will never ever given you any grief about the choices you have to make. Nobody understands until they do it themselves. Don't expect them to - but don't let them pass on their responsibility either just because you are main caregiver.

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Mother-in-law
by: Peach

My family is in the same position. The background must be addressed. For years, my elderly paternal grandfather lived in our home. He was forty when his wife died. After that, he was allowed to move in with my parents and us, the children. He was a sick pedophile. He molested our dog, and touched the neighborhood kids. We learned years later that he had raped his daughters, my aunts.

My parents turned a blind eye and a deaf ear. My dad drank and stayed away from the house a lot.

My mother put up with it. I hated them both and ran away from home at sixteen. After we children grew up and had children, my youngest brother who still lived at home began to molest our little girls.

He raped my little step niece at eight years old. My daughter told me after she grew up that he touched her several times. Now, my mother is in her nineties and lives with my oldest brother.

They didn't work, so she paid all their bills and food. She told my sister-in-law that she saw him with his hands in my little girl's panties, and she felt disgusted and walked away. She told no one! She has accused all of us of horrible things such as "one of the sisters-in-law murdered your dad, when he was dying with cancer."

All along she claimed to be the most holiest Christian on the planet. Now, my sister-in-law calls me complaining about my mother and how awful she is.

I told her that I did not really care what they do with her...put her in a home or call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital. After all, she is now incontinent and bed ridden. I feel no emotional connection to her at all.

She should be in a home, because she is a terrible burden, hates everyone and always has. I told them all many many years ago that she would never live with me and she could just go to a home. What grown children can put up with in elderly depends upon what type of parents they were raising their children.

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Hating your mother in law
by: Anonymous

This is a difficult situation for your husband but it doesn't sound like he's the primary caregiver-you are, and in tolerating this abusive situation, you are enabling your husband to put off the inevitable tough decision-- move her to a facility.

Your son has been displaced and while there may be a positive lesson here about loving and caring for elderly relatives, I'm sure your son gets much less of your attention and sees your growing frustration. Thank him for his generosity in moving for a time, but he is your greater responsibility and your time with him at home is limited.

Sit down with your husband and tell him gently that it's time to put his mother in a facility and get your life back. If he refuses to listen to reason, pack a bag take a few days off and tell him when he has seen reason you'll be happy to come back to the hoe that is half yours.

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Divorced
by: Anonymous

My MIL had dementia. Long ago, she made my ex husband to promise not to put her in a nursing home. She would come to our home, then to another one of her kids homes, etc.

At our home, I felt ignored and out of place when she was there. She would stare at my husband constantly. We couldn't have a conversation without wanting to know about it. My husband would bend over backwards for her. I couldn't take it anymore.

I also had a step daughter who hated me. I finally ended it. I still love my ex husband, but learned he loved his mother and daughter more.

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Smelly MIL
by: Anonymous

My MIL is smelly, as well. She claims she showers but I am home most of the time. I am not giving an ultimatum, I am moving out. If my husband had one care about our relationship he would have already taken care of this situation. Good Luck All!

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Elderly Mother In Law Care
by: Anonymous

I feel the same way I can not stand the sight or smell of my mother-in-law. I feel bad but it makes me so unhappy. She pees on herself poops on herself and says nothing.

We find out when she comes out of her room and smell her then she just looks at us like we are crazy. You ask her a question and she will not answer.

My husband works so I am the one who cleans the toilet every time she leaves the bathroom. She refuses to bathe or wash her hands. She hangs her pissy clothes on a hanger or hides them she will hold her bowels until she just lets it out.

She lets her food sit for hours before she eats it She cannot eat anything sweet If she does OMG it is a mess. Her poop and urine smells like I don't know it smells so bad I gag when I smell it.

I don't like to touch her I don't like her to touch me or anything My husband says she isn't going to a nursing home that's fine because I shall leave and let him do all the work I am tired and I am on the verge of leaving my husband Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Resentful
by: Anonymous

We were a child free traveling couple....now I have to look and take care of this whiny, submissve, needy women everyday. I miss my peace, freedom, & husband. There, I said it.

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This is almost my life.
by: Anonymous

The only difference is I'm in a same sex marriage. My mother in law is afraid to stay in the house by herself.

So after my father in law died, we had to buy a new house so she could come live with us.(my wife is an only child) She was a fairly independent 70 something year old, so I thought, how bad could it be? Famous last words...She gave us money to help modify the house for her. We changed the living room into a 1st floor bedroom for her.

And gave her the first floor bathroom. Almost immediately after she moved in,that whole "independent" thing changed. She never washed, her rook smelled awful, and I kept trying to get my wife to get someone to help care for her.

But my breaking point was when she pooped on the basement floor and left it there without telling anyone. We have 3 fairly young kids. I then demanded we get her help. My wife is frustrated as well.

She has someone who comes while we are at work for 2-3 hours each day, but that is nowhere near enough. We make all her meals, and she barely ever comes out her room, but she complains non stop about us not doing anything for her.

We (my wife and I, and my wife and kids) used to travel all the time, but now we can only go somewhere if we can get someone to stay with her. I'm tired... my wife is tired... shoot even our kids are tired...

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Wow! Your post mirrors my life almost identically!
by: Jaloglow

I don't know if 10000 characters is enough for me to spill my guts on this topic, but I'll do my best because I HAVE to talk to SOMEONE! Your mother in law sounds just like mine- and I TOO "can't stand the sight, sound, or smell of her" either.

I know I sound so harsh and cruel in my explanations. It's so difficult to talk to others about this because unless you live it, you absolutely cannot understand it or really imagine the magnitude of emotion that is involved in every single moment of every hour, each day, every week, month, year, and for me- guess how long? 22 DECADES of living with someone who just breathes in, and breathes out, sits and does nothing to help herself or anyone else.

She eats, sleeps, and poops!

She won't even try to use the commode anymore. She gets out of her bed in the morning and goes straight to her sitting chair where she will spend the entire day. Her chair is ALSO where she'll change her old wet diaper, and also slip into a new clean one.

She will only get up to make a cup of tea, or get herself her "Little Debbie" snacks and/or her "Cheetos" to snack on throughout the day, until its time for her to make her Boston Market frozen meal. She won't even try to poop in the commode.

Some days, she may remove her dirty diaper on the commode, but makes a shear mess with it as she drags it down her legs and down the side of the toilet because instead of standing, she has gotten so lazy that she sits down to do everything.

That infuriates me so much that she allowed and allows herself to be that lazy that she WAITS until it is so full and begins to bulge and leak out and all over! Disgusting! It infuriates me the most that her laziness, and her lack of respect for herself and our family (after we allowed her to stay in our home after her husband passed away in 1994, and also she had a "mild stroke" in the 1970's that only involved some memory loss but nothing physical) has cost US our life and happiness. We have never had a normal happy family life because of her.

I know, I know... Nobody has a perfect life- but wow- this disgusting woman really takes the cake and zapped happiness out of everything, especially me. You know, this goes way beyond what I have written for you to read. My husband could have done so much more to have set boundaries and made me and our marriage a priority, but that didn't happen- his mother won.

She designed the game and made up the rules as we went along. I saw her manipulate my husband, lie, lie, lie about everything! She bent the rules and made it "her home" and I watched my husband just ignore it and allow her to be the voice.

I just can't even type anymore. I am so disgusted at where we are right now. The bottom line is; "It is HIS mother- I don't see her going "anywhere" soon- and I mean that in every way.

It's gone on too long, and sometimes things just can't be fixed. We are very broken. I give this warning to EVERY woman especially; "Don't allow this to happen to you. Get out before you regret the unhappy life YOU and YOUR CHILDREN will forever remember.

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Flip side of antibiotics
by: Anonymous

Wow, I guess this really is the flip side of antibiotics. We live longer than we were meant to.

My own humble opinion is to start conversations with our children about how none of us are meant to live forever. Incorporate palliative care into our doctor appointments.

They will give us all a reality check reminding us that " yes, medical science can perform this treatment, but should we let them?)

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Disgusted
by: Anonymous

Is there a solution to this problem ? My mother in law ran out of money so my husband, son, and I moved in to help out.

She's completely bedridden, and her hospital bed is in the living room. The minute I hit the door the whole house reeks of her Urine. She hasn't washed her hair in months. I've never seen her wash her hands. I can't stand my son to be near her.

I feel like I'm living in a hell whole. She's only 51 so she won't go to a nursing home, and my husband insists that she needs "us". I think I want a divorce someone help!!!

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I've never hated someone this much before!
by: Anonymous

It's really nice to know that I'm not alone.

I just got married 1 year ago and staying with my Mother in Law who's suffering from Alzheimer's.

She's so arrogant and always think highly of herself. We got a carer and have been changing 4 times in less than a year. She will always talk down and insult the carer.

We've tried talking to her but it's really pointless. She will just deny and flare up and will start screaming and shouting.
What's even more annoying is that my Husband will always side his Mom. He will always put his Mom first not considering about my feelings.

We just got our new place and the first thing he thought of is how to decorate his mom's room.
And I've never had any peace at home ever since I got married. The moment I reached home the first thing she'll do is accuse the whole world of stealing her money.

I've really had enough with her and this hatred feeling I had towards her just keeps building up.
I can't stand the sight of her anymore!
Me and my Husband is slowly drifting away. I have come to realize if divorce is the only solution then so be it.
I can't deal with this anymore!

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What can I do????
by: Anonymous

It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling like a bad person because I want my mother in law to move out.

She moved in with us 4 months ago me and my husband are both 27 she is still a very young 48 year old with a 7 year old son.

My boyfriend informed me she will be gone before our baby is born .....here I am 12 days from delivery and come to find out she just started looking for apartments. I'm trying my best to not be disrespectful to her in anyway as she is on social security for depression ...but I feel that she milks it.

I also have a 7 year old so every morning when I get my baby ready for school she is still laying in bed so I will cook breakfast for both kids...lately she has started to ask me to drop him off at school but I have to reply no because she needs to change him into some clean cloth as she has him with the same cloth as the day before.

She does not help with the cooking cleaning unless my husband is right behind her telling her to. But the part that really bugs me is that the farther of her child is still living with his first wife and has the nerve to come into my house and hang out with her telling her the same story he has been feeding her for 7 years which is he wants to leave his house and wife on good terms.

She asks him for money and he tells her get what she needs from child support which is 200 a month. I told my husband I don't want his mom baby daddy coming around because he chooses to slack me and my husband have to have her living with us and I end up picking up after her it drives me crazy.

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Omg
by: Anonymous

My mother in law has lived with us since I got married. She is the center of our world. She needs to be reminded every day to change her clothes.

She pitches a fit when we make her shower once a week. She drops food everywhere. She misplaces her dentures everywhere. She forgets how to use the microwave. She messes on the toilet.

She never combs her hair. She puts her dentures on the dining table next to her food when she eats. She gums her food. I am in my Forties and she makes me feel ancient!!!!!!--

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So true
by: Anonymous

My mother-in-law has been difficult and demanding and attention seeking for ever, but worse since my father-in-law died 32 years ago.

She wants to be the matriarch, the centre of attention without doing a thing to deserve it. She has always wanted to be waited on hand and foot, and I "changed" because I started to say no. Our relationship is now non-existent.

Except that she is now 92 and has quite suddenly developed dementia. She refuses to eat, dress, take her medications, do anything for herself, including shower - has not been in the shower for months - or wash. She is pretty immobile but, we do not know how much of that is genuine, because she has always just sat there for hours.

She is now pretty vague and confused and has little memory or reasoning. She has refused help from everyone except a couple of neighbours who she says are her friends and when told she should not rely on them, she said it was "good for them" to do it!

They are complaining behind her back, and abusing any family member they see. The family is spread all over the country, with problems and commitments of their own, and health issues too. Today she has been admitted to hospital, and I am so relieved, for her as well because she will be safe, but also for all of us.

I feel relieved because I will not have to look after this obnoxious woman. At the same time I feel so guilty, because she is my husband's mother and the grandmother to my children, although over the years she has caused trouble for all of us.

There, I have said it.

Sad that an intelligent woman is reduced to this, but even more sad that she has never been a nice woman.

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Help
by: Anonymous

My gf's Mom has lived with us for 6 years. She is slowly getting dementia and does nothing except drink and abuses her medicine.

She is a retired nurse so she can fool the best of them. But the turmoil for my kids and our relationship is becoming unbearable.

She isn't helpless but works her problems like the greatest actress. I loved her, now I couldn't care if I see her any given day. What to do before this situation ruins all involved.

She drinks daily with her medications, falls down stairs, forgets things, doesn't do anything. It's extremely sad. How do I deal with this?

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Feeling your Pain
by: Anonymous

I so understand you! We sold our house and her house two years ago and built a new house to move my Mother In Law in with us.

My 86 year old Mother In Law does have some serious issues. She is diabetic, recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and is at stage 4 of renal failure. There is a lot she is facing.

The problem is that she has a history of refusing to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. She has always been the pampered princess. But she also was sweet and pampering her was appreciated.

Now her conditions have turned her into an ornery ole cuss and I resent her helplessness. I just want my life back! Being a Born Again Believer, I too feel guilty for my impatience with her. I will trade prayers with you.

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I am Tired of My Life
by: Anonymous

Ever since I have got married my Mother In Law stays with us. She is a widow.

In our culture In Laws stays with the son till the end despite problems and quarrels. From hype day one of my life she has not accepted me she has shown her dislike in many ways complaining my husband about all small things

I do wrong and taunting me in front of relatives. My Sister In Law also gave her full support and together they created many fights between myself and my husband.

Apart from all this I am supposed to cook for her. She is 80 now I spend my 22 good years like this. She left doing all the work in the house since many years even though she can do it.

She goes out relax n enjoy cooked food by me. I was just wondering how long I have to still take care of her. She is still very strong. I am also wondering when I will live my life.

She spends more time talking to my husband then I do. I can not watch TV if she is watching as I cannot tell her I want to watch also. I hate her from my bottom of heart.

On the other hand, my husband don't talk to my parents at all . I really don't feel like doing anything for her.

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Am I a Bad Person
by: Anonymous

I really understand how you feel. I have my mother in law 89 and father in law 93, living with my family.

We have given up our ground floor living and dining room for them and have paid for a downstairs toilet and shower room to be fitted.

We now have garden chairs and a TV in the box room. When they moved in my Mother In Law used a commode,(despite the fact that the loo was nearer! Three days after she moved in she decided that she could no longer get out of bed and soils where she lies, and expects me to clean it up.

When I complain I am told I should have sympathy for an old lady. The doctors and district nurses all say she is strong enough to get out of bed, but Mother In Law says she can't.

I have arranged carers but she calls me all the time and I have had enough. I think as a Christian I should be more sympathetic, but I have enough verbal and actual shot from her.

It has even got to the stage that I am throwing out soiled sheets, because I don't want then in the same washing machine as my children's clothes. Help

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Selfish Mother in Law
by: Anonymous

My Mother in Law has always been a taker. She wants everyone's attention and nosy into our personal life. I have stressed to her multiple times to step back and think before making any comments that will affect her in the future.


My husband is an only child. My Mother in Law still treats him like a her little boy. She thinks I should too. I have been through hell the last ten years taking care of my elderly parents until they died. I too got little help from my siblings. I will not be abused by this woman.

I'm a nurse and took care of her every need when she was sick with pneumonia. Even as she was getting better, she acted sickly to make herself the centered of attention.

I took both parents into our home to care for them. my Father in Law is an angel and easy to please.

She wanted all her meals so so, clothes washed everyday, and her hair washed and curled every afternoon. It got so over whelming at times, especially since my husband did not help.

When I would ask him to assist he would avoid answering or put himself in the room with his mother so she would defend him. I finally got her back home after two months with followup visits and care.

I have told my husband the next time we will discuss rehab for her and home care his Dad. I will not be abused or used by this woman again.

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What to do with Mother In Law
by: Anonymous

So what do I do with my nasty MIL, my husband died a few months ago, one of the reasons she came to live with us was that she was alone with no other children or family and my husband was ill.

We lived several states away from one another so she wanted to help. Ha! The woman didn't even know what a dust rag was, and kept creeping in my bedroom to check it out when I wasn't home. When confronted she accused me of hiding things or I wouldn't mind.

Well my husbands daughter needed money so all he money in savings went to her. When it was all gone the sweet daughter said I never want to see or hear from you again. So now my husband is gone and she is here still expecting dinner served and accusing me of stealing her money.

She hasn't much of a SS check and I am living on a shoestring, we could pull together and do ok but I want a break to grieve and relax without someone yelling at me. So can I just say goodbye?

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My mother in law
by: Anonymous

I was in the exact situation you were in minus the other siblings....a few months ago my husband died, she has no other relatives and not much income.

I feel bad but I need to move with my children( Im 59 and partially disabled) I won't have enough money for myself, I could do it if my MIL and I pooled our resources BUT I do NOT LIKE the woman.

She treats me like the maid, saying things like,"well you know how to clean your family was poor and you had to learn that stuff." And now for the 2 months he has been gone I have been hearing things about money and she should have more than this!

Alluding to my stealing her money. How do I get rid of a woman who has lived with me for 6 years?? she is NOT MY MOTHER!!!!

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Fully understand
by: Anonymous

I wish I could say something to help! I truly understand! I'm taking care of my mother in law! Love her but she's fixing to make me go crazy! All I can do for my sanity is scream and cry in my pillow at night!!!

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Pain the butt Mother in Law
by: Anonymous

Have you had your mother in law checked by a doctor? She may have dementia in the form of Alzheimer's.

As with children, routine is a must for the elderly. Your mother in law is obviously having difficulty with her personal hygiene. She may need your assistance with showering, washing clothes etc. As for peeing and pooping, does she wear adult diapers? I have had to deal with my mother in law for the past 7years. She was diagnosed with Altzheimers 3 years ago.

One of the main things, I found, was to have a routine each day. This helped enormously not only her but for me. Elderly people reach a stage whereby they lose control, so it is up to us, as carers to take back that control.

You will find that if you do this and have a no nonsense rule with her, she will know how far she can push you before you, as with a child, tell her when she is wrong!

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My Life
by: Anonymous

WOW, you nailed it...we are living the same life... Have been with my mother now for almost a year. Thank God there is a light at the end of the tunnel though lots of therapy. I know this is not my fault and we have found her a new place to live....It is nice to know we are not alone.

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Pain in the Rear Mother in Law
by: Anonymous

She is obviously unable and unwilling to take proper care of yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Find her a nice facility with people she can relate to. The Bible says to honor our parents, it does not say to not have a life of our own. Not to mention the fact that her poor personal hygiene can make others in the home sick. Good luck

P.S.She is a burden, I do not believe you should be expected to take care of an invalid .

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Mother-in-Law Undermined Marriage 43 years
by: gc/Pa.

My Mother-in-Law has been verbally insulting and nasty to me for 43 years..always when my husband has been out of earshot and not present. She's a high class alcoholic with allusions of grandeur and I am dirt...not good enough for her son. Well, son has finally wised up and Mother-in-Law is permanently out of our lives.

It is a breath of fresh air. But..she still tries everything she can think of to get sonny boy back..fake emergency room visits. Locked out, feels dizzy, etc. and he still falls for it. I still come out looking like a bad person. Never have hated anyone in my life but have much anger and hatred for her.

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You've hit a Nerve
by: Anonymous

I just cried all morning this morning due to the very things you are talking about. I feel guilty so much of the time & being a Christ follower I think I should be the strong one. My husband & I have no relationship anymore. We are at odds most of the time or snippy with each other. My M-I-L can be very endearing. She will tell me she loves me & appreciates everything I do for her, but she is so needy & whiny.

I can't go home from work & find any peace anywhere. I'm not sleeping good & find myself nodding off on my way to work. I keep wavering back & forth between being a caring child & doing what is required of me & wanting to run away. I want to find a local support group, but haven't found one yet. You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

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I Understand
by: Anonymous

Just wanted to put my two cents worth in. I, too, care for my mother-in-law. I feel the resentment and frustration. I know so many others have harder circumstances, but it just helps to know that you are not alone.

We all feel the guilt of our feelings, but it sounds like we are pretty normal and human. I hope you are able to find time to get away, but I also know, that it is just as hard to come back home and face what you know is waiting. Thank you for sharing honestly. It helps to know I am pretty much feeling what others are feeling in these circumstances.

The Bible is pretty clear about our
responsibilities with our parents, but that does not always make it any easier.

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no wonder you feel resentful!
by: Anonymous

Here's my advice: You have done more than your fair share. Tell your husband to get his mother out of the house and get his brothers and sisters to do their part or you'll get a divorce.

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Part 2 of my last Post
by: Anonymous

Most important, either hire someone to come to the home and care for her for a few hours a day or even a couple days a week. Sometimes the Government will give allowance for this type of in home care. You need a break. Even if it is just sleeping in and not having to do anything all day long. It is your time.

Caring for your elder does not mean giving up your life. You should not feel guilty about that. We have all had children and we have all hired babysitters to care for them so that Mom and Dad could have a night out. We didn't feel guilty when we did that. It should be the same way with caring for your elderly.

Most important, Set Your Boundaries! What is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Life will go a lot smoother and you won't have so much resentment.

Just say, you know mom, I love you, I love having you live with us, I feel overwhelmed and need your help with some things around the house. Then pull out your list of ideas and and put them in action. Remember to think of her as a child. She might cry, yell, kick her feet, but if you stick to your guns, finely they will realize, they can not manipulate you and do what is ask. Not that is love.

God Bless and I will be praying for you.

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Tell it Straight from the Heart
by: Anonymous

I read your post and really feel for you. I know what it is like to care for people who have family, but the family does not take any part in helping whit their elderly family members. I am a care giver.

I also know how guilty I felt when it came time to have to put this one lady in the nursing home. Going from a house to a 9 x 12 foot space to live in. I believe in keeping them home as long as you can. I am a christian lady too.

My suggestion is to be up front with her. Talk to her as if she was your own daughter. With love. Let her know that you love her but there are things that is not acceptable in your home. Set the ground rules. Make a chore chart where she is accountable in helping out around the house. Also keeps her busy. This is good for both her memory and motor functions. Place a depends bucket next to her bed and tell her that this is where her wet or dirt depends go at night or when she is napping in her room. Make sure it is lined with a plastic liner and has a lid. Let her know that she needs to be responsible in keeping her room clean.

A lot of times, like a child, we feel like we need to do everything for them and in turn, we really need to be telling them what they are expected to do. It sounds as if you took care of her and she let you do everything. Set your boundaries and make her have to be responsible too.

I know it sounds sad, but at times we need to treat them like a child but still doing it with love. With the dog, let her know that if she can not care for the dog, then she might have to give it to a home that can take care of it. I am basing all of this on the fact that she can walk and care for herself. I think getting her a big dog was not the best idea. Most elderly people can only handle smaller dogs.


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