Primary care giver

by Alyce
(New york State)

I am the primary caregiver for a 91 year old lady, whose sons live out of state...


She is sweet, but her dementia is increasing and she becomes very irritable and argumentative easily and frequently...

She recently had both hips replaced, and walks with a walker.

She can do some personal care, dress herself, use the bathroom etc...

I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping etc. She cannot be left alone for more than 2 hours at a time...

I rarely get away and miss a lot of my own family gatherings. I find I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and stressed because I have no freedom...

I feel like no one understands what my life is like.

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I resent my MIL
by: Anonymous

I am so over my elderly mother in law. I am starting to resent her so much. She needs to be in care but refuses to go. She has her son to look after her. She rings up constantly wanting this and wanting that.

We are both in our mid sixties and I want her to leave us alone. She treats her son like her servant. He sorts out her finances,her medical stuff, her mail, shopping etc the lust goes on and on.

She complains she is lonely all the time. What she wants is somebody to go and sit with her for hours everyday. A simple visit turns into a list of things she wants done. This has been going on for years since my father in law died.

Before that my husband looked after his father too. I feel like I come second to her. She is always there. Wanting this and wanting that. Leave us alone for a while. Give us some peace. Your son has a wife.

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LOTS of people understand what you're feeling!
by: Anonymous

Oh believe me, after nearly 2 years of taking care of my 93 year old mother in my home and relying on this site for input, insight and support, I can assure you there are thousands of older children caring for elderly parents.

We ALL start out fresh, thinking it'll be "okay". At some point, though, we discovered how overwhelming caregiving is.

This is when you MUST reach out for help to relieve yourself of struggling to do it all alone.

If other family members won't step up and help - which is SELFISH on their part - then contact the local senior citizen center, your and your mother's doctors, the mental health department, ANYBODY!! You can even call a crisis hot line and ask for a list of resources.

Unlike most people in a family (who ought to help but often don't), doctor now recognize how critical it is to keep the caregivers healthy and sane.

Do not hesitate to talk to them. One lead may not answer all your questions or needs, but another one down the road will. Don't give up on YOUR OWN NEEDS! That's the most important thing I've discovered, is putting myself first, taking care of me, and reaching out to others who ARE willing to help.

I know its hard to "ask for help", but get over it! This is no time for ego. Just do it!

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