Over the last few years, I have written several posts out of frustration over caring for my parent and the loss of my personal time and space. It has now been over a two months since my Mother passed away. It is amazing how my perspective changed as her health declined.
Suddenly the bitterness for what I had given up all vanished from my heart and mind. I had always went through mixed feelings about wanting to care for her and struggling with the sacrifices made to do so.
In those last weeks, all I could see was the beautiful woman who had always lived her life for others and who now and for sometime had needed someone to care for her.
I still remember the frustration I felt over the years and wonder why I wasted my time feeling suffocated by the responsibility instead of relishing in the opportunity to care for her and be with her.
I regret not having more patience at times and not spending more time just visiting with her. When you care for someone full time, it is hard to just enjoy them because you are so busy and self preservation makes it difficult to spend more time with that person than necessary.
I do know I did the absolute best I could for my Mother and that she felt safe with me right up until her last moment on earth.
I have struggled to find my place now that she is gone. I had taken care of her for so long, I truly forgot who I was and how to live my life for myself. I'm constantly thinking, I've got to hurry home to check on Mom or pick up her favorite items from the store.
While I always knew I would miss Mom when she was gone, I never imagined I would be so lost.
The exhausted and bitter me that I was a few years ago would be shocked that I felt no sense of relief and am struggling to put my life back together.