Parents Moving In

by Jacuie
(Australia)

Hi guys,

I have recently asked my parents to move in with us, as they are both eighty and are starting to have health problems.

I really do not want to do this as my husband and I are in a early fifties and both work and love going out. But I feel really guilty as my dad still has to work as he never put away for their older years and he said he cannot live on the pension alone.

(My dad and mum like to go out and gamble at the casino at least twice a week), they both enjoy it and I do not see them giving this up any time soon.

My dad's health has been deteriorating of late and I know he will no longer be able to work. I have read all of these posts and frankly they have scared me to death.

I feel really selfish and guilty that I do not want them to move in and could not live with myself if anything happens....

The main reason that dad wants to move in is so as they can maintain there lifestyle as when they sell their family home they will get $300,000 and I know he wants mum and himself to have a good life before they die.

When I mentioned to dad about moving in with us I was talking about a year or two away, but dad has got no patience and has got their house valued and keeps asking me questions about it.

I wish I never bought it up and really would like some help with this.

Scared to Death

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How's it working out?
by: Anonymous

We asked my mom to move in with us for the same reasons you did, her health seemed to be failing, although she's been just fine since living here.

I will say that it was the biggest mistake we ever made and I regret our decision.
We are stuck in this miserable existence.

We would have all been much better off if she would have remained where she was.

I hope things are working out for you.

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Yikes!
by: Anonymous

Oh Jacuie,
Your post really resonated with me this morning. I noticed that you said early on in your post that you 'do not want to do this.'

Over the years I have seen so many of us on this site go against their own intuition and become consumed by resentment later.

Your parents (like many of those I read about here) may live another 20 years or more. Like a marriage, anything that annoys you about them now isn't going to go away.

I certainly wish you all the best if you decide to cohabitate with your parents. I heard you when you said you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if something happened.

With that said, here is my experience with a couple of things you mentioned:

While growing up I used to say to my mom that I would take care of her when she was old (thinking I would move her in with me when the time came).

The reality is that I made a mistake saying that (it was from the love of a child) and when the time came I had to tell my mom I had made a mistake and would not be able to physically, financially or emotionally be able to have her live with my husband and me. At the time when I told her this I had been trying to keep her in her own home for as long as I could!

Over two years of stopping work, driving over there to do things for her (sometimes 4 times in one day). My brother also was helping a lot!
I do still take care of her needs but today she is contently living in a small home with 4 housemates and caregivers.

I see her often and take care of doctor appointments etc. I have been her caretaker and now I am back to being her daughter first (care taking her physical needs was quite something).

On the topic of gambling: my uncle was rich his whole life and liked to gamble a bit. Then he was gambling a lot, then he became a 'high roller' and couldn't wait to get stuff in the mail from the casinos. Now he is broke and living with my cousin (not his daughter-he has no children).

He gambled away several hundred thousands of dollars. My cousin is overwhelmed.

Please, let us all know what you decide to do and how it is going. I often think about the people here even though we may never meet.
m-santa rosa ca

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