Overwhelmed

by Renee
(Houston TX)

I’m overwhelmed, tired, resentful and at this stage ready to put my mother in a nursing home because I work full time and have a job that’s 24/7. This is affecting my life drastically. My husband works out of town and brothers don’t live here. It’s becoming too much.


My mother is stubborn, mean and won’t listen and is becoming increasingly aggressive.
She has dementia that is now past stage 1 and ending 2.

She’s diabetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and walks with a walker.
She was independent but had surgery to remove a toe because she hid the sore and entire foot was infected.

I am grateful my mom is still alive, but her living with me is becoming too much. I don’t know if I’m just going through the normal stress of this or it’s time to put her in a nursing facility.

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You need to do it
by: Bittersweet

I know there are some who will discourage you from placing Mom in a NH. I get it. But not all NH's are awful. Do your research, talk to others before making a decision.

Once your Mom is in a safe place you can resume some normalcy to your life. I know of which I speak. My mother, (miserable person) lived with me for 12 years and I hated every minute of it.

Two years ago she suffered a stroke which made it impossible for her to be alone all day. She fought me and blamed me for her being there but let me tell you, what a difference it has made in my life to not have to care for her on a daily basis.

I see her 4 times a week even taking her out on weekends, so it's not like I just dumped her there. And frankly, I think our relationship is better now than it ever was. You need to do this...for both of you.
Good luck!

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Caregiving is not rewarding, it sucks the life out of you
by: Anonymous

I m very surprised the words "rewarding" and "caregiving" are put in any of the posts I’ve read on this blog. Rewarding?Sure, if one enjoys being the martyr and not having a life of own.

Please don’t let anyone shame you when you try to relinquish the caregiver role. Nursing homes are good option when it’s no longer safe to leave your mom home alone.

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Sounds to me like it's time
by: Anonymous

You're apparently at the end of your rope. Sadly things aren't going to get any better. If you can afford a nursing home or assisted living memory care unit (since your mom is ambulatory) that well may be the solution.

Have you discussed medications to smooth out her personality? When my dad was in dementia we had to put him on Seroquel because he became aggressive and started hitting people.

Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical, so her doctor my agree to something to calm her down. Just my thoughts though. Many people "don't want to drug my mom".

That's a personal choice, but when the behavior becomes too much to handle you do what you have to. The medications won't turn her into a slobbering fool, they will only make her less aggressive/abusive. Dementia causes confusion and paranoia, and many people respond to those feelings with aggression. (not sure if you know that or not; apologies if you do - I'm not attempting to lecture here. just trying to help with what I know.)

Since you work full-time and your husband is out of town your mom definitely will need more and more supervision in your home as her dementia continues. Being on one's own as that progresses is never a good thing either.

Hugs for you as you make the decisions you need to make. It's hard. I get it. Do things that will help you, as you need to take care of you to be able to take care of her.

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STRESS!
by: greenacres

I believe what you are going through is normal...I am there right with you. Taking care of mom is very stressful because you have to do what is right for everyone involved, and that my friend is IMPOSSIBLE.

I have punched a hole in my bathroom wall before.

I had a lot of pent up anger. I thought I was being selfish, I am all stress and mom is fine and happy. I did not like sharing my husband with her,

I'm talking about all the attention she gets, and I start acting like a maniac! I was Jealous!! Be selfish and do what you need to for your own sanity.

Good luck and always come back to let out your frustrations, it helps. The thing is once I accepted the situation because I can't change it, things are going better. Set boundaries blah blah etc. I do want my mom with me. She is the only mom I will ever have, so it IS important to keep her close.

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Don't Do It
by: Rick B.

Please do not put your mother in a nursing facility. my mother had to stay in a nursing facility on three separate occasions for rehabilitation after hospital stays.

The facilities were awful. I so so may residents not getting the care hey deserved. I could not wait until it was time to bring my mother home with me. Do whatever it takes to keep your mother at home with you.

Your mother is much more important than any job or career. Take FMLA leave from you job if you need to. In the end, after all is said and done, and your mother is no longer, you will indeed know that this is the right decision.

Trust me, I took care of my mother with Alzheimer's. It is extremely difficult and stressful at times, but is rewarding knowing I tried my best to take care of my mother and keep her at home where she was comfortable.

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