Our Marriage is Failing because I Care for my Mom

by Crystal
(Sahuarita, Az, USA)

My mom who's health is not good due to all her issues now requires 24/7 care. Prior to mom becoming ill I was happily married, in 2010 I told my husband I would care for his ma no questions asked. So we (our 3 kids him and I) moved to his moms where I cared for her for almost 3 years. When his mom passed I took on the roll as a caregiver for my husbands uncle, that was in 2013-2014.

Now the tables have turned and since my dad passed my mom requires 24/7 care. So thinking my husband would be there with me to care for my mom and live with me to help with my mom like I did with his family he seems to be against it and its tearing me apart knowing I have jumped to the aide of his family when they needed the care and him not jumping in and taking the same initiatives.

I did really makes me feel our marriage is nothing to him and that he would never be supportive when it comes to his family or mine.

How do I choose my husband or my mom when he wont move here with me we have nothing holding him in his current living place except his job but he could be anything no matter the money pay I would still love him but when he stays apart from me.

I think my marriage is not worth it when he chooses not to support my choice to move in with my mom to care for her, even when its my promise to my dad on his death bed.

I promised my dad mom would be taken care of and now its like a choice between mom or my husband......

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Possible Burnout?
by: Anonymous

Well, it seems there is a lot to say here. I would like to know the "why's" where your husband is concerned. Moving and finding another job is not easy these days and if your husband is established...well there you go.

Care taking of one after another after another (as you know) can be very trying. In the course of your initial caretaking with your husband's family - I am sure no one planned on one parent then the next, then the next.

No matter who is being cared for, it sounds like this is taking a toll on your marriage. You did not state what your husband is saying about all of this - what is his argument?

I do not think you should take personally, the fact that your husband is "not cooperating" as not caring - it sounds like by the time your mom required care, he is burned out and/or your marriage is being neglected -and you know how that goes.It is a difficult situation for you in that you feel you have to choose.

I understand if anyone should be burned out,it is you. As far as the promise you made - it could have been unrealistic and I am sure all will be well if you cannot fulfill your promise.

I believe you need to communicate with your husband. You did not state your mother's needs and why and/or, are there any other options for her? How far away is your mother? Can she come and live with you? Do you have any other siblings? I cannot imagine moving again and again to take care of.......

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