Only Sibling of a Newly Disabled Brother & 70 year Old Mother

by Susan
(Corpus Christi, TX)

My brother was disabled 4 years ago in a motorcycle accident. He was always an angel in my mother's eyes, never did any wrong even though he had a failed marriage due to infidelity, had to get his GED because he couldn't make it through High School, and lived the party life every weekend.

I on the other hand, went to nursing school, got married and have 3 wonderful kids with my husband. I work part-time and make my kids my priority.

After my brother's accident my mom depended on me 100%(my dad left when I was 17). I continued to work and go back and forth to the hospital while my brother was an inpatient.

My husband and I became his guardians after his 2nd wife left him while he was still in a coma! We took care of all the bills, insurance, medical, and the many creditors while my mom took my brother home to care for him.

My mom expected me there several days a week, relied on me to walk my brother as often as possible, and continue to handle the guardianship and take them to all medical appointments.

I offered to get her help, bring someone in to clean, cook, or to sit with my brother so she could get some time away. She actually looked at me and said "why can't you do it?" She refused me hiring any help. She even let a grant expire for a caregiver because she didn't want a stranger in her house.

She told me I didn't do enough to help her repeatedly. Then she started to tell me I wasn't there enough while my brother was in the hospital.

That was the last straw! My family and I had the opportunity to move 4 hrs away to fulfill our lifelong dream of living by the water. So after speaking to my pastor and even a counselor and realizing it was okay to live out my dreams, we moved!

I continue to drive back every 6 weeks for all medical appointments and continue handling the medical insurance and bills. I am given the "woe is me, you left me all alone"treatment every time I go back.

I also go back the week of holidays to visit or cook or take them to a movie(my college kids come to my home for the holidays so I can't always be with mom on the actual holiday). But if I'm not with her on the actual day of the holiday she tells me how they're all alone.

I just can't seem to win! It's really hard driving back and forth but I do it because it's the right thing to do but the guilt trip I get every time I go is getting old! Sorry for the book but what do I do?

I'm ready to just hire someone to take them to appointments and get myself away from the emotional abuse but my mother would turn help away at her doorstep!she lived her life when she my age-why am I not supposed to have a life with my family?

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I Hear You
by: Anonymous

I Hear You! It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can without making yourself crazy.

I was just going to comment on the way that sometimes people will say to me "I can help by taking mom/brother/aunt (I have three people to care for) to the doctor for you."

The reality is, for me at least (and maybe for you), this only complicates things more. If I cannot hear and speak w/ the doctor, then I have yet another snarl of misinformation to sort out.

Adding another person in the mix - unless it's a sibling or someone really on the ball (that ain't happening) - only makes it all harder. So I'm with you in spirit. Hang in there. :)

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You are suppose to live your life!
by: Anonymous

You are suppose to live your life. You have your own life and kids, don't feel guilty. It is nice that you still help but like you, it got old for me too, your not as good as your brother story.

I now have a better relationship with my mother, I stopped going every weekend to pick up the groceries only to be told I wanted the big butter not the little one you can't do anything right!

Now when my mother starts her stuff, I say mother I'm not her to listen to you complain and if you don't stop I'll walk out the door.

My mother let's my brother do everything for her and I step in once a month and help go to the store. My brother has never done any wrong in my mothers eyes. He got married twice, has a great job lives is a nice house. Me, I spent 20 years in the Navy and over 1/2 that time she was my dependent I took her everywhere. Now she doesn't remember all the good I tried to do.

Well, long story short I got married at 50 who would have thought. I have a great supportive husband we had a long talk I would come home crying or disappointed every time I did something for my mother.

I finally told my brother it's your turn to take over, I can't take moms stuff anymore! I need a break before I have a mental break down. My brother said mommie is never going to change she is a bitter old woman who hates being alone and old.

I don't think she will be around much longer, she has pulmonary fibrosis and is getting weaker and weaker every day. My brother is her medical power of attorney, so I leave my mothers choices up to her.

She didn't want anyone coming in and cleaning for her either, but she got use to it when we said we are not doing it!! Either take the help or do it by yourself. She finally admitted that she can't.

I told her I work 10 hours a day 5 days a week I'm tired when I get home.

Please don't feel guilty! It's hard but you've done more than enough to help! Money, etc. Your a good daughter!

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