Once Again She Turns into the Victim

My mom has a habit of watching me and staring at me for hours, no matter what I'm doing. The last 3 times I told her she made me feel uncomfortable she claimed she wasn't watching me but thinking of other things.

Well, the staring continues and tonight I had had enough (again) and I told her to STOP watching me all the time. Again she said "I'm not watching you, I'm thinking of other things" Well while she is thinking of other things, she is asking me questions about what I am doing, so yes she is watching me.

When I pointed that out to her she said "never mind forget it" and then she demanded I take her to her room.

I was thrilled to say goodnight and then return to the (finally) solitude of my family room.

She acts all insulted when I ask her to stop staring at me. My space is violated constantly and she is the one who is offended?

If she insists on staring at me each day , I will remove myself and go elsewhere then she can stare at an empty room to her hearts content.

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by: Anonymous

My Mom watches everything I do. If I am on my computer she is always asking - what are you doing - are you looking something up - If I am sitting on the couch and rub my stomach -

My Mom says - Does your stomach hurt - what do you think is making it hurt - do you need to take something - She won't go to bed until I go to bed - she can be sleeping on the couch and it's obvious she wants to go to bed - but OH NO - Won't go until I say I am going to bed -

If I am going to run to the store - she comes with me - she is SLOW - She can be up in the morning for an hour - then I get up and we watch some morning TV - then I will get up and she says - what are you doing and I will say - getting my breakfast - then she says - I will get mine too - GRRRRR -

Then she just stands in my way in the kitchen. It's nice to have somewhere to vent and realize I am not alone.

I can relate
by: Anonymous

I am not sure if your mom has additional variable to have created this but for now, I will respond without that knowledge. My father lives with my husband and I (87yrs old) and he is still very independent, if he wants to be.

He also tends to stare at me and he wants to know everything i am doing and who i am speaking to. He will interrupt me while i am talking on the phone, even come into a room when i have deliberately separated myself from him so i can have privacy.

He will demand something of me in the middle of me speaking on the phone. It goes on and on but the one commonality is this: when i him to discuss my concerns, HE BECOMES THE VICTIM.

You cant win.....he will eventually say, okay i will do better. And of course he tries for about 2-3 days and it starts all over again. I wish i had answers for you but i guess i am just sharing so you know that you are not alone.

I do believe a certain amount of behavior is dementia related but he has always been somewhat intrusive. It is a hard balance to find. Good luck to you and i hope you find relief.

by: Anonymous

To the person who commented on my post, thanks.

I don't know if my mom has Alzheimer's or Dementia. She has never been diagnosed.
I just thought she was bored and wanted to watch me doing anything and everything.

I will keep your advice in mind though. Maybe this indicates the beginning of something.


by: Anonymous

If you can get your hands on a book called The 36 Hour Day, a caregiver's guide to Alzheimers and Dementia, read it.

Your mom is likely much worse off and confused than you realize. Mine does the same thing - stares at me all the time.

I don't think she even realizes she is and trying to explain to her how it makes me feel is no use - her mind can't comprehend things like that anymore. You're expecting your mother to still make sense and nothing in her head does.

She will just know for the moment that she has angered you, but has no idea what she did to cause it. You need to some education with what you're dealing with and I don't mean that snarky, but you do just as I did after a few months with my mom here.

One of my mom's big things is me washing my hair. Why? I have no idea. I wash it in the sink because I get dizzy in the shower. Every damned time - you wash your hair more than anyone I know. Cripes, I've gone from every other day to like every four days just to avoid this confrontation.

And it goes on and on and on about my hair. Why the hell would that be a big deal? I dread washing my hair !!! If I ask her about it, she has no idea what I'm talking about.

The thought processes are just not there like they used to be. When I finally realized that, things became easier because I could then blame the "situation" I was in instead of her. It's not her fault things don't work upstairs anymore, nor is it your mom's fault.

If you can find a way to separate that you will begin to feel a little more compassion than anger. Not always, but usually.

Hang in there.

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