Oh the Guilt!

I am so glad I found this forum. My mother has been my best friend for most of my adult life. She's been very supportive of me until her husband died. Once he died I became her soul focus and she demanded much from me and I dealt with it.


I eventually became a widow myself and my mom's demands on me grew greater and greater. No matter how much I did or what I did it was never ever good enough. She even convinced her friends that I was a terrible daughter.

I had a full-time job and I was taking care of my family and she lived an hour away. She grew sicker over the years and I was always there for her if she needed me.

Almost two years ago I reconnected with a man from my youth and we got married and I moved with him out of state. My mom put so much guilt on me like how dare I leave her!

She was not in the best of health but she wasn't dying soon and being that I was 52 years old I I wanted to spend my golden years with the man of my dreams and enjoy a nice full life with him.

My mom has plenty of money and she used to go down to Florida during the winter every year until her husband died.

I asked her to come and visit and her and I can go shopping for a nice winter home in a retirement community and she refused. She was angry and hurt that I left yet also gave me her blessings so it was a catch-22.

Even though I now live in Florida I call her everyday. During one of my phone calls I could tell she was not well so I called my adult children who live by her to please check on Grandma, I think she needs to go to the emergency room and she did and I flew up the to take care of her.

She has end stage COPD and is still smoking. The doctors could do no more for her so they put her in hospice. I took her home and as soon as she arrived home her spirit perked up.

I think they misdiagnosed her. Except for being on oxygen now 24 hours a day she shows no symptoms of a dying person and may last many years.

I'm staying with her now and she is getting stronger. I told her now she's feeling better I would like to go home next weekend to visit my
husband.

I was arranging care for her during the weekend I'd be away and I was coming right back. It will be 3 weeks since I've been here and I miss my husband terribly. Oh my Gosh! My mom had a fit! How dare I leave her! Your husband is totally fine without you Tammy Lynn.. and she totally laid the guilt trip on me.

We've only been married 5 months and she doesn't care about my marriage and expects me to take care of her needs and her needs only.

My marriage is very important to me yet so is my mother.. I am in a hard place right now and I'm feeling very resentful that my mother can be so selfish.

She had a wonderful marriage and enjoyed a very full life with her husband but she doesn't want me to enjoy life with mine because in her eyes her needs comes first.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I go home to visit I feel guilty, if I stay I feel guilty. My husband is a very great patient man and tells me to take all the time I need but he did not get married to me to be alone.

I am so angry with my mom for being selfish but then again maybe I am selfish one?

I do not like resenting my ailing mother, yet I've put up with this kind of selfish behavior for 7 years and I'm just quite frankly sick of it. I just want to enjoy my life like she did.

Initially I thought about bringing her home to live with myself and my husband but after reading all the stories in this forum, I am thinking that is not the best plan for my marriage. My husband is a Saint but can I do that to him?

Caring for my Mom 24/7 while his hopes and dreams go out the window? It's not fair to him either.

This forum gave me a lot of education. Good kind hearted people who wanted to spend their retirement traveling and spending time with Grand kids are now stuck taking care of their non appreciative parents and their lives are now put on hold indefinitely.

I can't put my Mom in an old people's home, she's only 70. Yet can I spend the next 5 plus years like many of you waiting on her hand and foot while my life goes down the toilet? The guilt consumes me, I am so thankful to have found this forum and I would greatly appreciate any advice given.

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oh the guilt
by: Anonymous

Don't let your mom ruin your marriage u have a right to your own happiness don't let anyone including your mom to take that from you u have a right to be happy. u are a married woman with a husband now. tell your mom that u love her but is married when a husband & that's that. be strong. hugs

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