Observer

My father is more controlling and abusive than ever. He tries to control me but I won't allow it. I need to live my own life. I am not his care giver. He just like to have the upper hand and have other people be his puppets. He has my mother confined to the house.


He won't let her have any social life and she won't stand up for herself. He is getting worse as he ages to the point where I simply don't enjoy his company.

I really don't want to spend time with my parents. They seem to dump all there negativity on me. If I try to explain how I feel or get them involved in any new activity it does not work. Has anyone experienced this.

Comments for Observer

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Boundaries and sanity
by: Gina

I agree with the other commenter suggesting that he may be in cognitive decline and realizes his life is changing for the worse and he is very unnerved by it. The question is: what do you want to happen going forward? I ask this because it will determine how you react (or are proactive) to whatever they do and future decisions that you have to make surrounding your care of and relationship with them.

None of us are obligated to meet our parent's expectations if we haven't agreed to them in advance. Your parents have had all their lives to prepare for the inevitable.

It may be that your mom realizes what's happening to your dad and she doesn't want to abandon him. Or the thought of a big change (even for the better) is just too scary for either of them. Spend less time in person and more time on the phone, where you can hang up if he gets verbally abusive.

In a calm moment with both of them, you can explain that you care about them and are willing to help if they agree to make it easy for you and productive(and realistic) for them.

Other than that, you will have to watch from a distance and if anything happens that is concerning, you should call social services. SS can assess them for in-home services if they qualify.

It may turn out that they will need to go on Medicaid, and they could become a ward of the state if they don't appoint a Power of Attorney and aren't cooperative and are a danger to themselves, in which case they will be classified as vulnerable adults and SS will take control of the situation.

This reality means that your parents will have no ability to choose where they go and what they do. When I had to argue with my in-laws about this same stuff I pointed out that it is better for them (parents) to make choices now that are their own rather than giving it over to the county and losing all control (and you won't even be able to intervene on their behalf).

I have a very elderly aunt who was married her whole life to an abusive man. Her own sons could not get her to leave. Eventually when the husband at 90 had a medical incident, they swooped in to get her out under the pretense of caring for her while he was in the hospital.

She liked her new life and wouldn't go back. It drove her ex crazy and he died soon after going back home. I hope your situation has a happier ending, but don't put any expectations on how things will go so that you're not disappointed. Be patient and work on making small progress every day. This is a going to be a marathon so pace yourself and do a lot of self-care. Wishing you well!

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
sorry
by: Anonymous

me too. look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if it fits.

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Has he always been a control freak?
by: Anonymous

Has he always been a control freak? This tendency only worsens with age. He likely thinks that he is losing the upper hand as he gets older, so he is upping the ante. If he becomes physically violent towards your mother, outside intervention must take place.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Elder Care Anger and Resentment.


Home | Site Map | About | Contact | Privacy Policy | Disclosure

© Copyright evSky Incorporated 2008-2019 | All Rights Reserved


Eldercare for

Aging Parents

Are you having a difficult time with being the "Caregiver" for Mom and Dad?

Click Here to Read What Others are Saying and Leave a Comment About Your Own Experiences....

Or Start your Own Discussion Page!

Recent Articles

  1. I am "mean to Mommy"

    Nov 12, 19 11:33 AM

    Just purely frustrated. My mother is all sweet to the world but the minute no one can hear the conversation I'm the devil. My mother is 93, I'm 56. She

    Read More

  2. Siblings? Ha!

    Nov 12, 19 11:26 AM

    Well, if you've got siblings, at least you have someone else to be angry at. I'm an only child of divorced parents. Dad is 95 and gentle as a lamb.

    Read More

  3. I was 'volunteered' by my by sibling to care from my parents

    Oct 28, 19 10:23 AM

    My parents are steadily declining in health, and I've been designated as the person to lead the caregiving responsibilities. I feel like I've been blindsided.

    Read More