Not Resentful, just Saddened

by Phil
(Indianapolis, In)

Without all the boring details, I am a 47 year old man. My teen years, through my late 20's, I was a great son. Finished school, joined the Marines, did well there, got out and moved to California to sample life, came home, went to school, did just fine.

Then, in my late 20's, I accepted offerings of drugs through my "friends" and became a pretty heavy drug user. I jumped around from state to state, like a gypsy.

My Father and Mother, although not in agreement with my drug use, were always there to help me when I failed to pay rent, vehicles, etc. (Long sad story, you probably heard it before.)

I got off the drugs, stayed clean and worked consistently over the past several years. After a relationship break up, I moved back to my hometown, moved in with Ma and Dad. Got a good job, did the right things, then it happened.

The man who was my "Pillar of strength," a Superman in my eyes, who I shared everything with, good or bad, got sick, His weight faded, hearing faded, hair got thinner and he was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. Dad was leaving and I knew it!

I stayed with him night and day. The family figured, since I was the one experienced with drugs, I would be the one to administer his medications. (They didn't understand the measurements, doses and effects of each drug.

Sounds almost like a ridiculous decision I agree, but they knew I was clean, Ma trusted her husbands, my Fathers life with me and I was vigilant...I am clean, I love my Dad and family, and would die myself before letting them down ever again.

Dad died 7 days after diagnosis. Saddest day of my entire life. I have tears right now just from typing this! Although I had used drugs for many years, Dad and I shared things that he never told my Brothers, Mother, Uncles, etc. Like a best friend. I found out later from Ma, that Dad knew I had been clean a long time, and was very pleased. Feelings are something we didn't share!

With Dad gone, a Brother living far away, another Brother living close by but having childhood issue's with my parents, and not speaking to the immediate family for nearly 2 1/2 yrs, and a deceased brother, I find myself alone, at my parents home, working, trying to emotionally support my Mother with her grief, her supporting me with mine.

Trying to hold down the fort, I started an entirely new career that I enjoy. I still live at home now, which I realize is ridiculous. I had lived away for several years, moved back and forth at times, but now found myself wanting to make sure that no matter what, I would be there for my Mother.

I looked at it as...They NEVER turned on me. Even in bad times. Ma is in her 70's, she is very active, loves shopping, conversation, visiting with friends, everything I would hope for her.

But, she is slowing a bit. Memory not as sharp, but definitely still in the game. The issue now is, I am a grown man, 47 yrs old, making a nice earning, yet I am single for obvious reasons.

I work, come home, do things on the house when I can. I feel like my life is just passing me by. I wish I had a life, a place of my own, a female companion to share life with, all of the normal things in life.

But, I picture my Mother being left at home alone, solo dinners, noone to watch TV with, quiet house and just getting old, alone. Plus, I made a spiritual promise to my Dad, that I would always watch over her. Make sure she's okay, be there if she needed me.

All the things they did for their fully grown drug addicted son when I wouldn't help myself.

It's a tough situation as I would LOVE to be in a warm climate, living life as an adult, but they gave so much to me, I feel it's the least I can do to give back!

Even having my own place nearby is an option, but I'm just afraid my Mother will grow older alone (which she will grow old regardless.) This is a tough decision. Probably because of being so codependent many years. I know how to live alone.

I enjoy it, do well, handle my business, but once I lost my Father, I realized...once they're gone, they're gone! That's it! Nothing can be taken back, time is gone, can't change anything.

I also lost many good years with them while getting high and roaming the U.S., I feel inside...Enjoy it now, because they go quick. To quick. I find myself getting angry when a sibling doesn't visit often, the other doesn't visit at all!

Sorry for rambling, but I must add that a favorite relative, a man I really enjoyed talking with died just prior to Dad. Another close male friend, that I knew for 25 yrs died a year after Dad. Most of my friends are married, with kids and doing their own thing.

Thanks for taking time to read. It's a messed up situation, brought on by myself. I take responsibility for my actions, understand this is not normal and I am not proud of how things went. But, I can't turn my back!

My resentments are with myself, and maybe my immediate family (siblings) for not coming around more often. But, they're grown men too. With their own lives!

Wow, feels a slight weight off for putting this into words!

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