Nobody asked Me if She could Live with Us.

by J
(Pa.)

Everyone just assumed that I would take on the job of caregiver to my 81 year old mother-in-law.


I feel like some of us are just not meant to be caregivers. I've heard people talking about their experiences. They use words like: fulfilling, rewarding, and satisfying.

I use words like: restrictive, intrusive, manipulating, lazy, coercive, dirty, disgusting....
I could go on and on.

I feel like I've lost my whole life, including my home and privacy. I hear the same story or complaint 500 times a day. If she doesn't tell me personally; I hear it while she's relating it to visitors or people on the phone.

She is totally uninterested in anything that isn't related to her health or comfort. A conversation about anything else isn't worth having.

I can hardly stand to look at her. Her medications are tremendous and she keeps wanting more. The latest is better pain meds. She claims she hasn't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. Please, the woman sleeps all day and then moans about being unable to sleep at night. I mentioned to her that gentle exercise could help to alleviate some of her pain. Big mistake. If I say anything that she doesn't like, she "tells" on me to family members.

I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for her to die so I can have a life again.

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I see Myself in Your Shoes if I Would Let it Happen...
by: Anonymous

If I have to hear one more relative or so-called friend say to me, "It's so good that you don't work! That way you'll be able to "help out" when the time comes...", I think I will scream!

I will "help out" when it's needed, but I simply CAN NOT move in to live with my in-laws, or have them move in with me-- even if I am the only one who "doesn't work" as my two sister-in-laws do have jobs.

I have very, very little in common with my in-laws-- and having to spend extended time with them is almost enough to push me over the edge. It's just the little things that pile up -- like the straw that broke the camel's back..

They're not bad people- but they're just SO entirely different from me, and when I have to be around them for very long, my stress level goes up and up to the point that I want pull my hair out... It's the repeated telling of the same annoying stories over and over and over; or her "Holier Than Thou" attitude' or the way that the instant someone calls or comes to visit, her loud and clear voice suddenly becomes frail and faint as though she can barely whisper; or her constant craving for pity and attention.

Her health has, over the last year, really run down, and we are looking at the future.. what will become of her and who will do the care taking. I am so afraid that the two sisters-in-law will automatically think that I can become the "one". And, I'm sorry if it's selfish of me (in their eyes), but I will not do it. They are not my parents, they did not raise me, and as much as I do love my husband, I cannot take that on-- it would probably be the end of our marriage...

As I see it, the three of them can work it out. If the two son-in-laws aren't called on to come and personally care take, then why is it just assumed the the daughter-in-law will?!? NOT RIGHT! NOT FAIR!

If I have to be labeled "Ugly", "Mean", "Selfish", etc by family and others, then I guess that is what will just have to happen, because I will not take on a calling that I don't feel led to take... It's just frustrating that so many people don't understand or care to even try to understand...

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This Hurts
by: Anonymous

You've just struck a nerve as this sounds so much like me. On one hand I love my M-I-L, but on the other I don't want to be home because of the demands & misery. All I hear are complaints too. She's tired, she's hurting, she's hot, it's her world & we are all subjected to living miserable in her world.

I guess venting helps us to get it off our chest & feel better, at least I hope so. I'm desperate for some sort of relief. I'm not sleeping well. I look like I've aged 10 years in 4 months. My husband & I have no relationship anymore. I'm looking for a counseling, support group locally, but no luck yet.

I'll keep you in my prayers as so many of us are in new territory & don't know how to handle. My God will not give me anything I cannot handle, but I just don't think I'm as strong as He thinks I am! :) Best wishes.

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know well how you feel
by: Anonymous

I AM a nurse and hate having to care for my MOM for the very reasons you just listed.I just want to run away & never return..would that I could.

It is bad enough having to care for my mom when feeling this way...I cannot even imagine what it would be like caring for my mother in law! My husband is great to my mom but it is taking its toll on him. I told him I know he has been so super patient with my being caregiver for my mom but honestly I know I could not do this for his mom...nor would I even agree to try.

I made the mistake of taking my mom in rather than placing her in a facility....I will NOT make that mistake again. I am just glad to find someone who uses the same words I do to explain this situation...people think I am awful...I thought I was awful until I found this site and found others who feel the same way I do...
for what its worth,

Thank you for sharing.

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Well Said
by: Anonymous

I am in a similar situation and agree 100% with you
If I wanted to be a nurse I would have become one.

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Nobody asked Me if She could Live with Us.
by: Sandra

Hello!

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? Do you have siblings? Are you married? Do you work outside the home?

I have siblings - sister lives nearby and helps me
Brother in S.C. - helps me too
I am not married but will be soon...

I gladly moved into the house I grew up in - mom's house (after daddy passed on in 2004)
Mom is and was born a Narcissist. She can't help it and won't admit or get help.... so she is going to die that way. I have had therapy so I know when she pushes buttons, I WALK AWAY. Period.

I live downstairs in our house - a beautiful space with a full bathroom too, oh and a door that locks between our Mini apartments!
Sandra

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