No Privacy

My mother moved in with my husband and I several years ago. We have a small home and she is always with us.


we have to go outside to discuss private issues and sometimes she follows us outside. we also cared for his mother and grandmother. they have passed.

I have a brother and sister, plus nieces and nephews, but no one has even asked to come take her for just a day. I have no life, it's all centered around her. I have to do all.

she has macular and can't see well, but she can hear well and her mind is sharp. I have to include her in all our conversations.., as she is always in the living room. She has her own bedroom. Just tired and would love to just once have the house to myself.

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Imprisoned
by: Anonymous

I could have written all of this except that we have a small dog that mom has taken over and she talks to him 24/7. We downsized and moved to Florida she came and has not left.

I am an only child 70 years OLD though I had felt young. Like a leach she is sucking the life from me and my husband.

I don't know why he stays. She talks constantly and I feel I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I have lost two sons in the last 7 years and my nerves are frayed anyway.

She cries if I mention her watching TV in her room saying "so you want me to not be allowed in the room with you two"?

Shes always been controlling but to be with her all of the time is destroying us. She would say she came her to end her last days with me but she really came to live, not to die.

She has dementia and cannot be alone all of the time and is very needy. She is drowning all of us. I feel bad that I feel this way and beat myself up for it. Others say. OH HOW WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOUR MOM WITH YOU!!
RIGHT!!
God help us all.

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No Privacy
by: Anonymous

This sounds like something I could have written.
My mom is with us all day, day after day.

She has a nice room with a big TV and all of her books, but she rarely spends time in there.
I am not expecting her to just stay in her room all day, but an hour or two would be wonderful.

My husband and I try to go out on Saturday nights for a couple of hours so we can have alone time.

I selfishly do not want her living here with us and hope to arrange assisted living at some point.I'm sorry, I just can't seem to help how I feel. This isn't easy.

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Boundaries
by: Anonymous

You and your husband both sound like true martyrs who have been used to bearing the same heavy cross before.

I presume that by this posting you are really seeking input on what you should do, since you're inviting the opinions of people who don't know you? So...

If your house is too small, and you can't get a larger one,(or a guest home for her) then you have a problem that really can't be rectified to allow for more privacy.

However, you say that the old woman is very nosey about everything anyway, so having a larger house might not be much help except to give you a "sense" of elbow room, which feeling would probably be dispelled by her interference once you had it. However...

You need to tell the old lady that certain "aspects" (ahem, I'm using an euphemism) of your privacy with your husband come first, not her inquisitive, out of place curiosity.

And since you are caring for her like an adult who is raising a child, boundaries NEED to be observed by her. If she doesn't conform to this reasonable parameter, then tell her she'll have to go stay with some other relative (if there is one) since you need to have the semblance of a life, too.

This may sound harsh, but since you and husband are devoting your lives to her, she can at least learn to have consideration for others' privacy, and not have to be included in every conversation, in that you need to skulk from her.

Ye gods! She may be needy, but she oughtn't be allowed to become controlling over you.

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I know your pain
by: Sharon

My mother has been with me almost 11 years and they have been the most miserable years of my life. I can't do anything or go anywhere that she doesn't have to know what's going on. She even wants to know who calls me.

She asks about my mail too. I have to sneak around like a teenager at the age of 60. It's ridiculous. She's 92 and as healthy as a horse, just poor hearing.

My 3 brothers are useless as is my daughter. No one comes to visit her or take her for a day. I'm trapped with her until she dies. And I have a feeling I'll go first.
Hang in there honey, you're not alone.

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I understand
by: Anonymous

I have a similar problem with my mother. She sits and sleeps in the living room. The TV is on 24/7 and it is driving me crazy.

No matter what I do she is in the middle of it, and always asking me 20 questions about what I am doing, where am I going, etc.She will not go anywhere. Some days I just want to be alone with no noise.

I understand what you are saying. Some days I don't even want to go home. So when I feel stressed I do something to pamper, just me. I lock my bedroom door and take a bath, or I play the piano, or watch a movie in my room.

It really helps to take me away and put my mind somewhere else before reality sets back in. Good thoughts to you.

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Just Breathe
by: Anonymous

I too have been where you are. It will be over before you know it. The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do.

Unfortunately your family members are not doing the right thing and that is causing you to burnout and to allow things to annoy you more than you would if you could get away from it sometimes.

I pray you can get at least one family member on board to keep your Mom for at least one day or weekend a week. Or month even.

I will be praying for you to find someone to give you and your husband a break.

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