Never Enough!

by Nicola
(Altadena, CA)

My 83 year old mother is very demanding although she's doesn't think she is. My dad past away 5 years ago from dementia. During the last 2 years of his life, she in my eyes, was selfish. My parents were fortunate to have a nice house, money in the bank for retirement, 5 children, myself & my sister don't work.

My other sister lived only a few blocks away and worked from home so we've always been close. Because of my mother, my dad had to spend 1/2 of 2011 and half of 2012 in a hellish VA nursing home 30 minutes from where we lived.

I begged her not to put him there and he knew that is not where he lived. During his 11 months there he went down hill and was abused so she finally agreed to take him home.

He lived the last year of his life in his home around his children and her, and past away at home. It was no problem once he was home because like I said, they had money for home help and the VA supplied the bed, geri chair a lift, diapers, etc.

Anyway, I remember her saying she was jealous during this time because we would be over there in shifts to help with his feeding and changing but SHE wasn't getting attention. Well now that he's past she worse then ever.

She had to stop driving a couple of years ago but doesn't seem to want to slow down on her extra
curricular activities. I'm glad she's still mobile but she expects my sister and I to be at her beck and call. We both have husbands, households, our own lives and that's not the way it works.

I willing to help her but she thinks it should be on her terms! She's driving me crazy with her ugliness after I do all kind of stuff for her! She's lucid. This is not onset of dementia. To me it's plain selfishness. She's not the Queen Bee!

I'm 58, my sister is 56. My other sister moved about 30 minutes away so she's pretty much out of the loop although my mother can guilt her into coming and taking her places once in awhile. My mother goes to every freaking kind of doctor like every month.

My poor dad didn't get this care and he always worked!! My mother never worked. I have grown children but one is still at home and in school. My husband works all week and wants me to be with him on weekends.

Then my mother gets an attitude because she doesn't have someone there paying attention to her all weekend long! Yet when my dad was healthy and retired, they did what they wanted whenever they wanted and I'm glad they had the chance but we're afraid to let her know we're doing anything to enjoy ourselves because sometimes we'll get a jealous comment about it!

If she was more pleasant, maybe I wouldn't have this resentment and WANT to be around her more!

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Practical suggestions
by: Gina Eaton

Hello Nicola, when my 2 elderly Aunties stopped driving I convinced them to hire a Visiting Angels caregiver to provide a companion that plays cards with them, drives them wherever they wanted, and do some light housekeeping. They love their Angel.

But it wasn't easy to convince them to do it -- they were very resistant at the idea. You can suggest it and let her think on it for a while. It sounds like your mom has the means to pay for it.

You need to be respectful but firm that you can't do this or that with your mom but maybe take her out for dinner once a month and have your siblings do the same.

You are not her entertainment committee nor are you responsible for her happiness. I have come to rest in the philosophy that adults have had their whole lives to prepare both financially, mentally and emotionally for the inevitable, so I don't feel guilty about insisting that they are realistic about life. Wishing you well!

Angry whenever I say no
by: Anonymous

My mom is 83 and is usually a pleasant enough person ... until I have to tell her no. She will make appts or plan events and if I am unable or unwilling to do it on the day or at the time she says and suggest another day or time she goes into a screaming rage and then wages war with nasty comments and bad behavior.

This happens over and over again and she refuses to compromise even though I am the only one of my siblings in the same state. She is in assisted living so there is a mechanism for her to get to where she wants to go but no matter. I am always the bad daughter if I don’t do what she wants when she wants.

I love my mom but am so frustrated with the rage and attacks. I just tell her that either she must work with my schedule or use the facility’s services. This just makes her more angry and here we go again.

never enough
by: dawn infinity

Hello nicola , i read what's goin on about its never enough for your mom , my mom can be the same way of coarse we luve together , she thinks or demands things i try &do the best i can. , sometimes i think its never good enough for her what ever i do she gets agitated frustration sets in ,i hav to take a breather every now than , maybe if u set.

Limits on her demands put your foot down you have a family a husband so its natural you want to spend time with your husband if you have children you hav to spend time for them. sometimes its hard to get them to understand that but if ur firm about it she will get the message tell her you love her &you will be there for her , maybe if she gets envolved in other activities to pass her time maybe that will fill in the void that she thinks you need to be around her 24/7.

Hope everything works out remember we can only do so much we are not seraphim angel yet until god takes us home. hugs dawn

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