Narcissistic Mother with Dementia

by Ann
(Houma, la.)

My mother was diagnosed with dementia two years ago. She can no longer walk or care for herself in any way. I retired early and moved to a house in her home town and moved her in with me and my boyfriend. I have one brother and one sister who do nothing for her or help me in any kind of way.

She has always treated me worse than my brother and sister despite the fact that I have been the only one there for her forever. Now she is treating me even worse than before.

She says mean ugly things to me like she hates me and she wishes I would die. But on the rare occasion that she sees my brother or sister she is very sweet to them and tells them she loves them.

Additionally, anyone who comes to my home she is as sweet as can be to them and is very cooperative.

Physically I am much smaller than her and basically she will not help me in anyway when trying to move her from one place to another (from the chair to the bed, from the chair to the toilet, etc.) However, she cooperates when other people try to physically assist her in moving.

I am at my wits end! She has been ruining my life for a very long time now and I can't take anymore. The more she upsets me the happier she seems.

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my mom is the same way!
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry about your situation. My mom is EXACTLY the same way. In public she will tell people how wonderful I am, how good I am to her, how helpful I am, but in private she rips me to shreds and tells me how absolutely awful I am.

I was her caregiver for about 3 years and finally had to literally quit. We had a huge falling out, but she was/is stuck with me because she's legally blind and cannot see to handle her affairs.

She didn't speak to me for six months and ended up breaking that semi-silence because she had a major health issue and figured out she had to deal with me because my siblings left 30+ years ago.

If you have any way to only visit a few days a week then do so. Read Dr. Karyl McBride's writing about daughters healing from the abuse of narcissistic mothers. That has helped me immensely.

I've also found it just doesn't help to argue. Arguing with a person with dementia doesn't work anyway, and one with narcissistic personality just makes it worse. I know it's not much, but try to take some kind of comfort in knowing you're not alone - many of us have mothers that are this way.

Try to find ways to take care of yourself mentally and physically - that's important. If your siblings won't help then just let things go. You have to. I know you love your mom in spite of how she abuses you. I'm the same way.

My sweet husband tells me I'm a battered child (at 60 years old!) and he's right. I desperately want my mom's love and approval but I now realize - and it took until I was 58 to finally get it - that I will never have it, nothing I do is good enough, and I'll ALWAYS do things wrong. (I use to wonder what I did wrong even when I did things EXACTLY the way she told me, but I finally understand it's not me, it's HER!)

Hugs and prayers for you. You deserve happiness, but don't look for it from her - she's not going to give it to you. Find it for yourself and most importantly DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!!!!

been there and feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I cared for my mother with Alzheimer's and dementia and I know firsthand how difficult it is. Dementia is a monster that robs life from everyone involved.

Please consider enlisting outside help to bring a qualified caregiver into the home. Check with your local county office for availability and financial assistance to help pay for these invaluable services.

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