My Mother is Tearing up my Family and Everyone Wants Me to Fix it Help!

by Angie
(Ohio)

We moved My 90 year old mother with partial dementia in our home 1 1/2 years ago and she is tearing my family apart. Everyone looks to me cause "SHE IS YOUR MOTHER" you fix this. My siblings won't help. My husband and her NEVER got along. My mother says God awful things to my husband and yet he has to take care of her when I am at work.


My daughter can't stand her. She has worn out my grandsons, treats them like their 3 and stupid, which their 15 (twins)and brilliant and also live with me. When they said they want to go to MIT she says to them you'll never get there! That's what I deal with.

She uses the dementia as an excuse when it benefits her. She has showed us when talking to one of my siblings (which won't take her and both of them are retired and live alone but say they can't deal with her even though I'm the only one working and my husband is disabled and my daughter lost her home and moved in with me with her son's) that she does know what's going on but a minute later pretends she doesn't cause she's not getting her own way on something.

She has always been a negative and criticism was her tool when I grew up. My grandmother actually raised me. My mother was never there physically or mentally other than to criticize. At 21 I left my grandparents and after my step father died she has followed me from state to state.

Long story short, after breaking her hip for the second time (i took care of her )ended up at my home and has caused so many problems especially in my marriage. She always played the poor me card and expected me to entertain her cause she wouldn't make friends and everyone to her was awful people.

We don't have money either does she to put her in a decent nursing home. We tried when she broke her hip and was trying to get her on medicaid and because a couple of years ago she had some money which spent on things that were on sale and never used or word (because of her shopping addiction) and was her way of caring by buying you something. they said she can't have anything for 5 years.

They could have sent her to a place and wait to see but we still had to pay if it didn't go through. Again we don't have the money.

And in spite of it all she's still my mother and would not leave her in the horrible places that would except her. I love her but she has taken so much of my life (60 yrs) and now my families.

I know it's my fault for allowing her to manipulating me especially the past 20 years when she followed me to my home of 28 years. I did have 8 years of freedom before she followed me again.

My husband resents me for spending too much time with her and so does my daughter.

Any advice?

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FIND A WAY SOMEHOW
by: Anonymous

You must find a way to do something about your situation if it's as horrible as you make it out to be. You NEED to talk to your husband, and your children, and come to a consensus on how to manage the old lady before someone knocks her off out of anger.

This part is up to you.

But remember, people who have dementia are not responsible for their absurd behaviors, because they are INSANE! Remember, INSANE, INSANE, INSANE. Let's reiterate: THEY ARE I-n-s-a-n-e. If your mom is this bad off, then you should try to have the state step in to do something or get her placed in some sort of facility.

It's your choice whether you want to put up with her or try to do something to restore sanity to your life. And don't be doing any praying that she'll die and it will be all over with. Don't fool yourself that way!

Praying for someone to die when they would be better off dead doesn't seem to do jack shit, especially if they are a tyrant and narcissist. My grandma is almost 90 and has had dementia for years and shows no sign of giving up the ghost yet, though she should have years ago.

She was an abuser and always had an unkind thing to say about anyone, yet these are the people who will live on and on and drag you down with them as they waste away.

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Your Mom
by: Anonymous

If your mom is 90 with partial dementia she is worse off than you know. My mom's neuro called it "walking the line." One minute they can be on the left normal side of the line and the next go far to the right.

What you are describing and misinterpreting as intentional, likely is not at all. That's what happens. They do or say one thing and then five minutes later it's different because they just don't remember.

It's truly not her fault and maybe looking at her in a different light will help you in dealing with this. She is not the person you knew. By 90, the brain has shrunk. There are holes in her brain now that look like swiss cheese (I've seen my mom's MRI) and those holes cause disconnects. My mom can no longer use a tv remote.

It's too complicated. She rummages through drawers several times a day forgetting she did it five minutes earlier. I also thought much of her "manipulation" was intentional, but after having her here so long now I realize it's not that at all.

I had tremendous anger towards my mom the first months she lived with me until I saw that MRI of her brain. My motto now is "it is what it is." That's the only way I can look at it because with aging it's not going to get any better. The only way it's gotten somewhat better for me is to change MY thinking and accept that she is very mentally deficient.

When they first fall into this before it gets bad and you realize it's bad, it is very deceiving and easy to put the blame on the person instead of what is happening to them. My mom is mean at times, crude with burping and farting and other disgusting acts she would have never done before in her life. She knows no better now. I hate it.

I hate every minute of it, but I have to also reach for compassion when I can. Having a normal person move into your space is hard enough, but to care for an adult like a child is often unbearable.

Perhaps what you need to do is become the adult and view her as the child to give yourself some control. There is a book called The 36 Hour Day I found very helpful in understanding this situation.

I was never close to my mother, either, so I understand your anger and don't feel guilty about that. Caring for a parent in this condition is not normal and there is great resentment at the time slipping away in your own life. That is a human and natural reaction. Post again, you need to vent. Take care.

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