My Mom Cannot Stop Complaining but will not Accept any Help or Suggestions

Once again I have been called abusive and told to "go to hell" and had to leave. My 91 year old mother is so manipulative around me. Earlier in the day she was on cloud 9 because her friend stopped in and my son came by to do some chores for her. She was cheery, lovely to talk to and did not complain once.

Just some background my mother lives in her home and has refused to downsize. My father left a large sum of money for her much of which she refuses to spend even though she would benefit with the extra help.

After they left, I was left with a woman who couldn't stop complaining and went on and on about everything wrong with the neighbors and her life. How many times do I have to hear about the same issues which she doesn't want resolved?

And the money; Dad left plenty for her but she would rather complain than have the problems fixed. Then the issue with how she never wants to go to a nursing home.

My brother and I have said we will help her bring folks in to help her but "that costs money". Then what will we do is she uses all her money "fat chance" She only brings this up when I am there sitting with her.

This is a scenario which repeats itself so frequently. I suggested that when I visit we go out to lunch or for a drive to take her mind off of things. When we are away from the house, this scenario doesn't happen.

I suggested that today and commented on the fact that I cannot listen to the same complaints if she will not allow me to help her fix them. That is when I was called abusive and she suggested that she should talk to the doctor about me.

Once again I was sucked back into my nightmare and left crying and was told her friends love me more that I do. You have to understand that I love this woman because I know that the other side of her before my father had passed six years ago.

Since then, grief has torn her apart and she is not the same. She also had a childhood of abuse and alcoholism which I know is haunting her. The question is "how do I protect myself?"

I want to avoid her but I feel guilty as my sibling does not come around much. She has very few friends and is always lonely. Is it right to stay away for my own sanity?

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by: Leasa

Your very elderly mother could be suffering from a form of dementia. If she as previously a very nice person before your father died, her change in behavior even directed to one person (you) can be a signal that things aren't right.

Perhaps all that confuses her or upsets her is being told to only you. Dementia is a very strange thing to deal with and has so many levels.

As with the money, did your parents spend what they needed before your dad died? If they did, it could be your mother has no concept of how much is 'much'. She could be truly worried about running out.

Perhaps instead of throwing numbers at her, say things like; 'you know Mom, you could have someone come in to make things nice every afternoon for the next 40 years and still have money left over.' Give her a concept of her money without using numbers.

Yes, if she is starting to use words like 'abuse', make an appointment with mom's doctor and tell him or her exactly what is going on. You do need to be able to cover yourself in case mom goes over the top someday and actually accuses you to someone else.

Again, dementia can and will do that. An angry demented person often target one person to lay it all on. You'd be shocked to know some of the things my mom said to me while she was sick before she died.

You can't control how others act, but can control your reaction.


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