My 87 Year Old Abusive Mother Is Still Abusing Me

by Irene
(New York)

Thanks for reading this. My mother lives with me. She is now 87 years old, very well read, is up on current affairs, has all her faculties intact and is as strong as a bull. I compare her to the embodiment of all the gangs in the US. Because that is the person who raised me and she has not changed.

Growing up she always treated me like a disease, I was blamed for anything that went wrong in the home. I was never appreciated, nor valued. She kept telling me since age 9 that "the biggest mistake of my life was to have children, you, you see all you, you are good for nothing, worthless"

Now that she has been living with me for almost 2 decades, her hatred for me has intensified. She constantly criticizes my choices in my past and present life. She complains about my socioeconomic status, and condemns me to hell. I hear this from her on a daily basis.

Over the years she has turned my home into a 'refuse dump'. Just last year January she hit me in my face with a bucket. I cannot sleep peacefully, I fear that she will deliberately and permanently maim me in my sleep.

I feel threatened, emotionally and mentally incapacitated when she is in the apartment with me. Her constant quarreling in my face caused me such distraction that I lost my phone on my way home from work. My ability to concentrate at work has been affected also.

I am slow, forgetful and easily intimidated, especially by other women.
I need to find a place for her where she can no longer verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me.

Where do I turn, please.

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Where, how to start change for better
by: Gina

Hi Irene, I'm so sorry to read about your extremely stressful situation. I do agree with the other commenters that you must stop living with her. Here is some info that might be helpful:

- you legally cannot "kick her out" or "dump her at the curb" because she is a resident of your apartment for many years and the police can force you to take her back in.

You will need to evict her (a 30-day legal process), but if you are in an apartment I'm not sure if the landlord needs to be the one to remove her. Does she pay rent?

Who's name is on the lease? If not yours, then I don't think you can get her out no matter what. Plus, i think forcing her out is a way more difficult path. It's much easier for you to leave.

- Do you have a financial attachment with your mother? Does she hold this over your head and now you are dependent on it? Or, maybe the bait of an inheritance?

You will need to give all this up in order to be truly free or she will ALWAYS control you. Are you retired and on Social security? Maybe you will need to get a part-time job to build up some cash to make your move.

- I realize housing in NY is very expensive. Can you look into Section 8 housing? Can you couch surf at the home of a relative or friend until you can figure out housing? Look for a roommate situation? Do not let your mom know anything about that you are doing...she will just cruelly manipulate you to pieces if she finds out.

This has to be done in secret and if you have siblings, don't tell them unless you absolutely must (like to seek temp housing). You may even qualify to stay at a battery women's shelter. May be worth checking out.

Sometimes churches offer sliding scale fee counseling services (or free). You don't need to be a member or attender. Just start calling places. Also look into a local co-dependency support group for immediate help. Start googling to find information.

- If your mother gets physical with you again and hits you and leaves a mark, take your purse and phone and leave the apartment and call the police immediately and report it.

I think the state becomes the prosecutor so that you aren't "the bad guy". They do this because the abused often change their mind about pressing charges because of intimidation so the state does it instead. Don't hesitate to do this if she touches you. Call 911 immediately. Don't feel sorry for her.

- if you do move out make sure you know what possessions are yours. If there is any doubt, don't take it and give your mom any reason to stir up trouble. Again, don't tell her what you're doing or where you are going or who you are seeing. It just gives her ammo against you. Better it be a total surprise. Don't worry if she can't make the rent payment by herself. This is part of the consequences of being abusive.

This is plenty for you to consider for now. It's not too late to change for the better. There can be light at the end of the tunnel. Are you a person of faith? Pour your heart out to God through prayer and ask Him to work in your situation. Wishing you success!

It’s been too long ...
by: Anonymous

You seriously should remove yourself from her reach. That may look like getting to therapy and maybe getting help for yourself to recognize that this is abuse.

Maybe she has grown worse as she has aged and you are so close it is hard for you to recognize the ways in which she has grown worse. Sounds like she has become less conscious of her anger fits and is now allowing her physical expressions to be harmfully directed at you, thus you being hit by flying objects.

Maybe she was not like that before and this is a sign of digression in faculty. Your submissive role in the relationship is similar to that of an abused wife to an anger driven husband. Neither is healthy however her age means she may get worse fast and you may be in danger.

Under those circumstances and after seeking her doctors advise and therapy ( she needs anger management classes at minimum... which are usually free through county resources), by using her doctor and bringing in a therapist you may be able to deem her unsafe to herself and others.

Either way you cannot and should not continue down the current path. You have formed bad relationship habits by submitting to her but after all this time you should not try to confront her.

After her fit where she hit you she may become violent. You don’t need to live with having to fight back or defend yourself and hurting her. Then you will be in trouble.

Keeping your mouth shut to appease her is not the correct thing to do but getting outside assistance is the correct thing to do. Approach her doctor for a therapist referral. If she attacks you again you must either have her removed or remove yourself.

I personally would not sleep in the same house with her.

I am speaking from personal experience.

Run as fast as you can -- away from her
by: Anonymous

I would agree. Drop her off at the curb and drive away, never look back.

Get HER Out
by: Anonymous

Unless you are a masochist and subconsciously feel that you deserve sadistic treatment from your mom, get her the hell away from you before it's too late! Are you her prisoner and her slave?

Dump her off at the mental institution and walk away before she hurts you, which is probably what she would like to do because she sounds demented to me. You don't have to be dehumanized just because she is your mother.

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