ms victoria clifton

by Victoria clifton
(united kingdom)

I have recently retired myself after years of

hard work. My 83 year mother had a heart attack
in September 2011 since then I have had to take on
her shopping, washing, cleaning, banking, medication, organization....everything.

I wanted to move away to a home by the sea. I suffer from migraine hypertension myself and this is all getting far too much. She keeps
throwing her medication away and she is drinking alcohol everyday to excess although she will not admit this.
I get no help from anybody and I am exhausted...

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Frustrating.
by: Anonymous

There is nothing more maddening or frustrating than to bend over backward to help someone who refuses to help themselves. Her drinking would make her care so much harder. I know, I was there once.

Tossing the medications is another way they will make themselves worse...all for you to deal with. Some people become so dependent that they even think their health and well-being is up to the child who gets stuck looking after them.

You said you wanted to move to the sea and that you are getting sick as well. Your mom may be 88 years old, but she may well live to see 98. Are you prepared to look after her for another 10 years? What if she starts falling due to the drinking? Are you going to watch her 24-7? Is she safe at home? You can give her choices and you are free to make choices as well. She is an adult. Treat her like one.

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Mom is Sick & Unhappy.
by: Renata

I humbly recommend 'being honest'. No I mean be honest with your Mom about your personal concerns in such a way that you include her and even address her as one who has high priority in your life.

Your mom might be scared, she's never been 'here' before. Let her know that 'You got this' for her but you can't get it right without her help.

She could be resenting her lost youth - which you have more of, so be careful that you don't resent her old age - which poses as a future before you.

See this as your opportunity to find the secret to your future happiness in old age. If she's nice, take the good from it. If she's being bad seek to alleviate her fears by reminding her of wonderful things you remember about her and encouraging her as best you can.

Focus on re-directing her thoughts onto positive things about herself -past and current -emphasize those things which her life has made a difference.

For example, consider well what you would say and do for her if she dies in the morning, say and do that for her now - apart from the errands. Try to get her errands in sync with your own - this can happen over time. Give her some slack - she deserves it. Don't care too much about what other people think. Live your life and care for your mother as best you can.

Most important: Eat Healthy, exercise lightly, Ask God for his help, pace yourself and remember to laugh... as often as you can.

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I Understand
by: Anonymous

Dear Ms Clifton, is there a place you can take your Mother so you can have your well deserved life? I totally understand what it's like to take care of an elderly parent, I too have my own physical and mental issues and I tried to take care of an elderly couple for 6 months, I was taking care of a gentleman who was married to an alcoholic and it was one of the most difficult times in my life.

I had to leave it to the rest of the family to deal with her issues. Your mother is more than a handful for you to deal with. I live in the U.S.and there are treatment facilities for people with addictions. Do you have insurance to put her in a facility to treat elderly people with addictions? your Mother I'm afraid is only going to get worse from drinking and throwing her medication away.

Here people have a right not to take their medications and drink if they wish to. There is no way your Mother is going to change her ways and it is far too much of a burden for you to handle, especially alone.

I wish you good luck in finding a place for your Mother!

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