Mother-in-Law 55 with Dementia

by Celeste
(Stoughton, MA USA)

It's awful.Going on three years..We live in her house..she took an eight year vacation after her husband passed away in his forties..She slept all day. Smoked like a chimney and spent his life insurance and blew everything before she went to work. She would fall asleep watching my children.

She always yells when she talks, belches out loud. She's diabetic, smokes and talks in a nasally high pitched voice. She put herself in debt and she is short and obese and talks like a baby and she is only fifty-five. My husband and I are struggling very hard working all day and he is in school, just to put food on the table.

We ran out of groceries and she bitches if there's no food. She gets her husband's pension and watches TV twenty-four hours a day. Her other son who only lives a couple of towns away, never visits and rarely calls and when he lived with her he bought his own food, never shoveled her out..She brags about him but my husband and I cook her dinners, pay all the bills and buy all the food and she has the nerve to say that she is in debt because of us..She did it to herself..She makes a mess if she doesn't take her anti-diarrhea pills and I clean it....

At fifty-three she had a stroke and when she came back, she is supposed to eat right,exercise and stop smoking..She stopped paying her car insurance so she will drive herself to the store and not say thanks at times..Whether she knows it or not,she takes advantage of us and we think because of the stroke she is getting dementia but she talks like a baby with poor manners and won't even let us help her cause she has no self-discipline.

I think she expects us to wait on her hand and foot and cook for her while she sits on her obese ass and watch TV all day. She goes days without showers and wears the same stupid flowery tank top for days on end. What is wrong with this poor excuse of a woman. My mom has had it really tough and is three years older, independent, raised my brother and I and is just getting sober while doing it all. I hate to say it but with her sleep apnea, diabetes, smoker after stroke and obesity and sedentary life style.

My husband says how is she still alive?? I would rather die in a cave alone than to burden my children....The sad thing is, is that she is too dumb to realize that we take care of her and she thinks she's independent...grrr

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by: Anonymous

First I'd like to say that I'm a senior in a nursing home.
Start making some intelligent decisions and stop being a victim. They don't give out medals for martyrs anymore.

First know the law.
Children are not legally responsible for their parents. Your mother-in-law could live another 40 years....Tell her doctor,social service,who ever will know what to legally to do with her. She is not your responsibility. You put that job on yourself. You should question your own thinking and martyr mentality.
I wonder why you have not walked away and moved out. You say you clean-up her diarrhea but she smokes and drives. She is what she is and belongs in a facility. Do yourself and her a favor and have a doctor and (legal aide) lawyer place her there.

I see other residents here very similar to your mother in law who love to lay all kinds of guilt on their children when they visit.
BELIEVE ME---It's all an ACT.. When they are not around they are having a great time. The nurses and aids know exactly how to humor them.

If your husband does not step-up to the plate and do what is necessary hi loves being a martyr also and has no respect for you. It's time for you to grow-up and do what is the intelligent thing to do.

Time to get Someone Else Involved
by: Anonymous

You have to move out, seriously. Unless you're facing a financial situation that won't allow you to do so, you need to put some space between you and "Mom."

I have to be honest, I'm taking your comments with a grain of salt because none of it makes sense. You all sound like a collective dysfunctional family and thus far have not been all that great at finding solutions on your own. There's help out there, and your family needs that help. All of you need it, not just Mom.

I'm frightened by your comments because I really don't think you're looking at the big picture. I've been doing the caretaking thing for a very long time - longer than any of us ever thought we would have - and yet it all still continues. And I'm an only child. It's scary as hell if you truly love the "patient" and a different kind of scary if you don't.

I needed professional help to put my mind on track and to recognize my own priorities. Everything else results in disaster. Please be strong, but more than that please find a psychologist or support group where you can put your stuff on the table. There's a ton of support our there, but I'm frightened for you. You're teetering on the edge, and I so deeply hope that your situation is not about money.

Go with peace.

Your comment sounds like you believe you are in the right, but in any situation multiple views are present. Very seldom is only one person correct.

If "Mom" needs care that you can not give her it is in her best interest, and also in yours) to find her a home that meets her needs. That's not you, not with all the hair up on your back over this.

Move Out
by: Anonymous

Seriously, if you and your husband both work, you can figure out a way to make it on your own. Even if you live in a smaller home, your family will be happier and more independent if you are on your own. There will be no question as to your independence (or her dependence upon you).

I'm sure it's not easy on your husband because he's caught in the middle because she's his mom. Everyone will be happier and mentally healthier if you have your own home. You are adults with your own family. Do whatever it takes to move out and get on with your own lives.

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