Mom

by Sandy
(Oklahoma)

My mother got ill six moths ago, upon which time, I drove from Tulsa to Ohio. I found her in her low income apartment, in totally deplorable conditions. If any social service worker had come into her home, she would obviously been taken out.

I have family there, and one sibling who had been running errands, but turned a blind eye to the filthy, urine filled clothing, spoiled food, and lack of any hygienic conditions.

I proceeded to schedule Doctor Appointments, wash bags filled with fecal matter and urine, over 25 loads in the laundry room, scrub walls, empty cabinets, etc., after gall bladder surgery, I brought her to my home to have back surgery.

This process took months, during which, she could not walk on her own, bathe herself, cook, or do any basic tasks.

Three visits to the hospital ER room, many stays in the hospital, and the surgery was performed, with good prognosis, however, she then had an adverse reaction to new medications she was put on, and spent six days in the hospital with delirium, where she thought we were trying to kill her and she needed to "save heaven for everyone in the future".

After this hospitalization, she now is having a bout with diverticulitis. I have spent so much time and effort on and with her. She has not been allowed food or drink for 48 hours, to allow her bowels to rest. She calls me frequently to tell that they're not caring for her.

Tonight was the final straw.

She called, stating that she was not being cared for, and I called the nurse to verify the Doctor's orders. He said nothing by mouth, in case surgery was necessary. The nurse explained that I had told her mom's complaints, and mom called me, angry, stating that she did not want me talking to them because I had stated to the nurse that mom didn't feel she was being cared for.

She will have to return to my home, however, my whole life has been turned into a giant mess by this, and my mother is angry with me.

I want to care for her, even though she was not an attentive mother when I grew up, but I am getting resentful.
What do I do?

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DebinOH
by: Anonymous

My 88 year old mother is so nasty to me and accusing me of hiding her paperwork, things I know nothing about.

This morning, she told me that my recently deceased brother was the only one she could trust. It was everything I could do to keep my mouth shut, since he wanted to put her in a nursing home and I was the only person in favor of keeping her at home.

I feel like my life is just passing me by, since there is no one but me in her corner.

I realize it is normal for her to lash out at me, the caregiver, but how do I maintain my sanity? I tried to research her suspicious behavior to no avail...is it normal?

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Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments. Hahaha. There are two dogs here and I will take care of them.

Mom is out of the hospital, and in as much pain as before. She's going off of home health to get in water therapy twice per week. Hopefully this will strengthen her. Lately, all she talks about is her various aches and all the horrible things from the past and I have to just block it out. She forgets her part in things, and it would only hurt her to hear me say anything.

My husband said last week, that he can't take it anymore. He's very angry most of the time, and wants us to do hugs for US, but we simply can't get away from it right now. He told me he wanted a divorce....then he next day said we need counseling. I pray we will be strong enough to make it through until mom goes home.

It's upsetting that he had no problem with me being here non stop with his daughter and his mom...then his dad, even for almost a year, alone, while his da was dying and he was at war, but now it's my mom and he doesn't like it. I love him, and I agree we need time to be a couple. Geez....five yrs and we've never been on a trip other than once, and had to come home for his dad. I feel the same way he does. Something's gotta give.

Boundaries? Hahaha. I have a boundary set, but it's made by a fence...and in my yard. Now that I think of it, things still cross even that boundary, hahaha! I found a fox by my koi pond the other night.

Thanks again!

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Honey, You Can't Save the World
by: Anonymous

You have to back off, slow down, pick your battles, quit trying to do everything for everyone.

I'm surprised you are still functioning. You must be an amazing person.

Sounds like there is just Mom left to take care of. You've done the teen-age daughter, your Dad, the father-in-law, now your Mom, I'm sure you do for your husband the same way...is there anymore? I've lost count.

Probably the brothers and sisters, the neighbors, total strangers, and the dog. Well, do take care of the dog!

When Mom gets out of the hospital, just do the best you can for her, draw some boundaries, and let go. After Mom is gone, take a vacation. There's only so much a person can do. Take care of yourself now.

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More from Sandy
by: Sandy

I wrote these words the other night, and in retrospect, this all began five years ago, when I was newly married, and my husbands teenage daughter moved in.

I spent the first year helping her get on track in school and off drugs. She moved out, and we drove to California to move my elderly father in law to our home. He was a great man, and had congestive heart failure.

My husband was deployed to Afghanistan, and while there, his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I cared for her as well.

His father got news that he had less than a week to live, and my hubby got home just in time to spend one day with his unconscious father. His sisters came to town and said they would give me a break from sitting with their dad, but would not give his mess and he would suffer.

Therefore, I stayed in the living room and gave all mess. When he passed, funeral arrangements had already been made by me, along with heir father.

They wanted to change everything, but it was their fathers wishes they were changing. They said I had no right being involved in ghee funeral. I gathered pictures, put hem up, etc because they didn't even show up to do it when they said.

It caused a lot of hurt for me, and I have never been able to talk with them about it.
Now mom is here. I don't know how to continue without losing the little of me left

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