Mom, Me, Family. Which one do I choose

by Lesley
(Toronto Ontario Canada)

I can totally relate with you. My Mom has had severe depression + anxiety problems since I was 15 years old. I am 47 years old now.

My Mom has also had dementia for at least 12+ years, very slow progressing dementia. I was married 11 years ago and now have 2 kids, ages 10 & 7.

My life is trapped in my house and has been for 3 years now, see with my mom;s depression, she does not want to go out, read or should I say now cant understand anything and doesnt want to ever go outside. I mean trapped. I can't go out for me time, I snap at my kids, thank god my husband works afternoons or I would probably kill him with my mood.

I am on the maximum of anti-depressants and I still cry everyday. My family goes up to the trailer and I get to take care of my mom. Can't take it anymore. The care is always on my mom.

My family is always paying the price and I do not think its fair. I am really thinking of applying to put her in a nursing home. She is incontinent, she cannot walk by herself, she cannot get out of bed by herself.

All of the activities of daily living is not possible for her to do, however I feel sooooo guilty. What am I suppose to do? HELP!!!

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Stop the Guilt
by: Anonymous

I feel for you. You must make the choice to have your mom taken care of in a facility. Nothing's going to change until you make the move.

Believe me when I tell you, it gets easier once you've made the descion. You must take care of yourself and your family. She will not get any better or will she be any happier.

God Bless you and I hope you will realize that you have nothing to feel guilty for. I'm sure you will be better able to care for her needs, let her know you're still there for her, while she's assisted by the professionals and it won't be at the cost of you losing your mind, your health and your own family.

Why aren't you getting help?
by: Anonymous

Hi. My heart goes out to you, but you are killing yourself. Get off the depressants, and spend your time, not crying but being resourceful and have faith you can find others to do this work while YOU take care of yourself.

Use the internet and phone and while you are inside you find some help. Why are you doing this alone and taking it all on yourself? Why don't you find some helpers? Of course you can.

If you believe in God, chant God loves me and He provides. His will is my will. I know he will help me. I am in need.

Choose life for yourself and you will have something to give to others. Please stop killing yourself while there are so many resources around you.

Very tough decision ~
by: Anonymous

I can relate to your feeling trapped. I think it is important to remember that your Mom's condition is for a season....although it feels like forever. It's kinda like when kids are little....and all of the sudden, they are 18 and gone. It happens quicker than you think. But while you are in it, is feels like time stands still.

I think you need some relief. You have so much on your plate. There must be someone willing to give you relief time. Someone to come and stay with MOM while you are out to do whatever you want or need to do, even if it is just sleeping. Also, check with your Dr about your antidepressant.

Sometimes the side effect can be anger. I was on one that caused me to be extra angry all the time....had to get off them. And I would suggest that you talk to other family members of your MOM....surely someone is willing to come sit with her, care for her, in order to keep her at home for as long as possible.

I am not sure how much time she has left, but it would be great for her to have loved ones care for her instead of underpaid, crabby nurses.

That's how my Grandmother lived her last years...and I witnessed the nurse's aides, treated her and many of the other patients, so cruelly. We reported. She was moved finally to the better one, as she was on a waiting list...but she didn't stay there long til she died.

I think you are certainly entitled to put your MOM in a nursing care facility if you have no strength left to give, and if she is no longer able to receive proper care by just you.
I think it's admirable what you have been is not easy. Give yourself a lot of credit for even trying it!

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