Mom is Just Another Person

It's been almost two years since moving back home to help Mom out and it's been a terrible roller coaster ride. Everything that was never resolved before, has reared it's ugly head.

I've had to totally relive my childhood and teen years, with all the accompanying tumultuous emotions that our mother-daughter relationship entailed. Since I've lived here, she has resumed that dominant, all-knowing, controlling, demanding, critical parent role that prompted me to move out pronto upon reaching age 18.

She has put me through the wringer in her continuance to keep me in that child role. I have tried so hard to please her, in so many ways, since I've been here, trying, I suppose, to be that perfect child she always wanted.

After having contracted some serious stress-related conditions, I have come to stand my ground, and I no longer let her put me in that position. It's too bad that it had to take me to these health consequences, but I guess that was my wake-up call.

I realize she is still my mother, but I relate to her now as just another person. I notice how she speaks to me, the things she says, the demands she makes, the manipulations she puts upon me, and I don't take them in, I leave them with her.

How she treats me and speaks to me, is not who I am, it is a reflection of who she is. I'm not lame because she tells me to wash my hands, or pay a bill, or put on deodorant (yes! she tells me these things). She is lame for telling me.

These may seem like silly, inconsequential things, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. She would never take these liberties with any other family member or friend but she feels justified in taking them with me.

I moved home to get closer to Mom, to come to an understanding and love, but instead I've had to spend the entire time defending and protecting myself and it took me down. But it's brought me to this point, so I guess it all had a purpose.

Because I can let go now, there is no unfinished business, it is what it is, what it is. And I'm done with it.

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Oh yeah and..
by: Anonymous

I moved back to be near my parents earlier this year. My dad died in August. I have two brothers, but I was the one who was silently elected to be the one who stayed with him in hospitals until he died (with only me at his side).

Since then, though, my mother, 90, has turned on me. She's always been mean but also always regretted it later. Now, even though I try to take her places and do whatever she wants, she is clearly angry with me--if she even thinks of me--and I have no idea why.

On the other hand, my brother who did nothing for Daddy, walks on water. She cooks meals for him (to which I'm not invited even though I live alone and only about nine houses away), changes plans she had with me if my brother calls, and laughs about it.

In short, they seem to have paired up. I never hear from my brother, and although I call or go see my mom daily, she acts like she's not sure why. This is new and I don't know what I've done.

She won't talk about it--family "rules" prohibit such stuff, and when I've tried, I'm accused of being a trouble maker. When I lived far away I mostly only saw good mom. Now I too remember why I left. I didn't realize how much Dad protected me from her until now either.

I am grieving the loss of both parents, but as horrible as my grief over Dad is, I know he didn't want to leave. My mom is choosing it and hurts me every day. This is worse, and I'm trying very hard to let her go.

It seems the nicer I am,the worse she is to me. I guess I'll try taking time away and see if I can find peace there.

I Took This One Step Further...
by: Anonymous

I, too, went through similar trials and tribulations with my Mom in taking care of her. And I had a lot of anger and resentment.

When I finished reading your entry, it seemed like you were done, but it had a tone of anger. You're not really done, when there is still bad feelings. When there is a feeling of peace and understanding, then you are done.

In my situation, I took it one step further and turned it over to God for help. What I came to understand in my own personal belief, is that we are all family, all of us on earth, all equal in God's eyes, and all souls here to learn our lessons. In that, I agree with you, that Mom is just another person.

You are both equal souls on your own separate journeys. You are in each others lives, because it is from the people in our lives that we learn our lessons. They are there because our souls need to learn something through our interactions with them. And they in turn, are learning from us.

When you can make that separation from your Mom from a spiritual perspective, you will have the peace you desire. You will be done with the struggle with your Mom, but you will be able to continue on the journey with her to the end of your time together, here on earth, with love.

I Can Relate!!
by: Getting along with overbearing mom

Whew! Thanks for sharing those realizations. I too realize how hard it is to not take in the demeaning things Mom does.

I don't even think she realizes what she does, why she does it, or any of it at all. She has created a behavior towards me and gives herself permission to say whatever she wants. Being defensive doesn't work. Can't even get out two words to say anything.

So all I do is smile within, and try to not let it get to me. I realize it is all about her, not me. The kindest thing I can do is let her rant, talk, do whatever she does. I couldn't change her as a kid, and I can't do it now, she is 92.

We have times that we can laugh and enjoy things she likes so we do those things. When I have enough of her I tell her I have important work to do and take a day or so off from her. Thank God she is healthy to live alone and take care of herself!

We are grateful for having each other and have adjusted to our situations. The first two years were very hard on both of us, but now I have set boundaries in other ways that she understands.

Yes, we can find ways to thrive and still be care takers. I am very grateful she doesn't live WITH me. We have separate apartments but nearby. This works out well. love to you all.

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