Mom is Draining Me

by Sandy

I have always been close to my Mom. She has had a history of mental illness. She had a rough life with Dad, he had Tourette syndrome and other things going on. Wasn't the best husband or father but has been dead for 32 years.

She has a mental problem and basically thanks to the Doctor's from way back then she is hooked on medications. She has dementia and had a few mental episodes 2 1/2 years ago. My sister took her in and after a few months they knew it wasn't good.

I signed her up to go back to her Senior living situation and about one year later she went back.

Shortly after that she started showing signs of the dementia. Ended up in a psych ward and the hospital. She asked me "what is going to happen to me?". Out of guilt(and love), I took her in.

My husband and I just bought a home in July, she moved in December(two years ago). I know I am bouncing around but that is how my head is right about now. She is healthier than an ox, physically. Nothing wrong. Dr. told her unless she breaks bones or whatever, he didn't need to see her again.

You think that at 85 that would bring a sense of relief or happiness? Not with my Mom. Her nick name should be doom and gloom. Her mental illness/and dementia makes her impossible to reason with. I spend most of my day trying to tell her how lucky she is that she can walk, and doesn't have to go for treatments for
cancer or whatever, and she can still take her own showers and she lived to see her great grandchildren.

But let her have a "panic" attack and you would think the world is coming to an end. All I hear is how this "feeling" is so horrible. I just watched one of my best friends be eaten away from cancer. To include his face. It is hard for me to feel sorry for her.

If I bring up anything like this she tells me her feeling is the worst. I am so tired, no actually I am exhausted. I have always been active. Worked til five years ago, retired in hopes of my husband and I could do our thing. Well no chance. I don't want to put her in a home but I feel like mentally I am really going downhill, physically I look older than she does, in fact at the store the other day someone thought we were sisters.

My brothers and sister watch her when I have something planned which at this point is about 3 days a month. This is so not how I planned my retirement. She is really taking me down so low I don't know if I can continue! I am rambling., so tired!!!

For people to criticize and tell us, well they took care of you! I say, she had me, and that was her job. Just like I had my son and took care of him. I don't remind him that in a few years he owes me??? What the hell is that?? Good luck to all...we need it!

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I don't Owe You This
by: Anonymous

My mother is old and has dementia, too.And she is failing physically. She can barely walk and needs assistance with that and to take a show, etc.

I can not take this anymore. She lives in my house and most nights she is up screaming for someone to help her. Just to scream, there is nothing wrong. I don't feel like I owe her this, maybe for awhile but it's been too long and she is sucking the life out of me.

I am tried and depressed, and she needs to go into a hospital where she can be monitored and they can take care of her. I cannot live seeing her suffer like this anymore. Does that make me a bad person?

For any parent to put their child through a living Hell like this is WRONG. Sorry, but that is what I have come to think.So, you are not alone. I hope you get rid of the guilt and find some happiness. That is what I am working on.

You don't owe her Anything
by: Anonymous

I know people say that all the time, they took care of you and now it's your turn to take care of them. Well when they took care of us, I don't remember fighting over everything, we listed to what they told us to do.

Now it's like I'm the parent and she wants to argue over everything we tell her is good. My mother has all of your facilities but her health is frail with Pulmonary Fibrosis.

I guess if I could say one thing, I would wish for my mother not to know what is happening to her mentally.

I know that probably doesn't sound good on my part, don't get me wrong I love my mother but she makes life difficult for everyone around her.

At some point you have to transfer her somewhere when she becomes too hard to handle. If your not in a good mental place you aren't going to be able to help her either.

I told my brother that if he doesn't step up to the plate I can't help mom either and we would have to pay for someone to care for her full time. He finally realized that he doesn't want that yet.

Good luck!

Here is some advice - call the agency on aging, they may be able to help if your mother is low income and they provide a personal assistant. You can also check into an adult day care, you drop them off for a couple hours to get some peace for yourself.

Good luck...
There are many programs from the state, please check into them.

by: Anonymous

Hi Sandy. I can totally identify with your words. Do you belong to a church, where folks might come and sit with her for a few hours a couple times per week?

I am learning that caring for my mother is aging me, and isolating me to the point that I am depressed. I don't know how to really even communicate with folks anymore. I began seeing a counselor, and I think that might help you as well.

We all need someone to listen, to give suggestions. I began meditation, which is on the internet for free, and it seems to have lessened some of my anxiety.

You have to take care of yourself. I know your mom is important, but YOU have a whole life ahead of you, and if you don't take care, it may happen that you have nothing left when she's gone.
Resentment is totally normal, and for those folks who say it's our responsibility, I say YOU do it...and see if your mind is still thinking that.

If you ever need to talk, I am here. Just let me know.
You are in my prayers.

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