Mom in Nursing Home still High Maintenance for Me

by Steve O
(Canada)

I'm burned out with worry and frustration. Mom 94 wants me visiting every day. She stopped walking 2 months ago. Now a 2 person transfer. Cries every day I come in. She demands I take her out. She hates it there. She is nasty to staff and dinner table ladies. She is rude and insults them. Tells me I am like my father that she divorced. Tells me I will get mine (suffering) one day! I'm 62.


My wife is fed up. We haven't had a day away in 17 months. Where other retirees are in Florida for winter, i have to visit Mom, on average, 5 days a week. Its 3-4 hours each visit door to door, with lots to do at the nursing home.

Countless reviews with staff on Moms nasty behaviour. Issues on her swallowing and choking. Fluids that are too thick to drink, her serious constipation issues, now on daily Lactulose. How can that be healthy.

I feel i have to come in and feed her normal fluids or she will die. She coughs and gags every meal. I get her out of the dining room to eat alone with me. All of her past 40 years she ate mostly alone in her home.

Now she is forced to sit with 3 ladies, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. She is frustrated! So the best thing I can do for her now is get her the hell out of the dining room.

Most PSWs don't speak to me anymore because of the complaints i have made about their lack of care at times. Mom is dying one little moment at a time that may take months. Each day gets worse for her.

I fear she will suffer terribly in the last days, hours, minutes and seconds and I will have to watch every bit of it and no help from doctors. Have you ever had to find the doctor? He comes in one morning a week.

I have asked for him for 2 months now and he
is always busy with new patient admissions. Who will be there to help Mom in the worst moments. Dear God, when will you end this hell for me and
Mom.

She drove her car for almost 5 years without a license. Half blind, poor skills, using a walker. What a fighter she was. Her 900 sq foot bungalow falling apart, roof and basement leaking, raccoons in attic. I had to constantly keep checking the house.. Her attitude was, what else do I have to do with my time.

I had to get groceries, do the banking, taxes, medical appointments. Her body just keeps fighting. She doesn't want to go. Dementia is bad but she still understands. Short term memory is bad. She cannot work the TV or push a speed dial button anymore to work the phone.

Id say nursing home is okay if you can still walk or get yourself around in a wheelchair. Mom cannot do either. People say well your Mom out up with me raising me. Was it truly that difficult to raise a child? Did it stop me as a parent from vacations? No. Was I younger healthier stronger, yes.

Its a stupid comparison. My Mom’s parents died when she was 37 and 40. She spent a few weekends near their bedsides. Lots of other family to help.

She worked and lived 250 miles away. I have all her memorabilia strewn across my finished basement. I had to empty her house and sell it. It exhausted me and my wife. My wife is very resentful and may leave me to get away from the insanity.

Mom has been a burden on us emotionally all of our marriage. Yet i stand by her. She had a tough life, she fought hard. Succeeded. Outlived almost all friends. Last one standing.

Alienated by almost all nieces and nephews for her nastiness. All but one gives a dam about her or me. Not one has called her or visited her in 10 years. Why bother with a funeral. Most wont come. Nobody cares.

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You need a break
by: Anonymous

I agree with the comment before mine, you need to take a break.
You can visit your mom a few times a week, that should be more than enough.
She will need to learn to deal with that.
Your marriage cannot survive much longer like this.
Your spouse comes first and then your mom.

Your mom will adjust to the new schedule. She may fuss and carry on for awhile but when she sees you mean business she'll live with it.
It's not as if you are abandoning her.
What is it with elderly people?
They are so selfish and demanding giving no thought to the fact that others are entitled to have lives of their own.

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I get it
by: Bittersweet

Steve, I hear you loud and clear. My mother lived with me for 12 years before a stroke put her in a NH. Frankly, I'm glad to have her out of my house.

She is a miserable person. And you can't compare a parent caring for a child to a child caring for a parent. It just is not the same!

I too visit often and lucky for her, she still walks and I take her out EVERY weekend. I have no weekend life except for Friday and Saturday night.
Every Sunday I make dinner and we sit and spend the afternoon watching something SHE likes.

Luckily I have an understanding BF. I have taken a few vacations because I refuse to let what's left of any good years I have be lost. I'm 63, Mom is 94 and has outlived EVERYONE!

Steve, I agree with the other commenter, you need to take a step back. Stop going every day..as I did..and start going every other day. You can't go on like this. You are entitled to have a life. It's an obvious strain or your marriage and your well being. You can only do so much.

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I understand
by: Anonymous

I have had some of the same experiences with a rude combative mom and frustrating institutional care.

I would suggest that you step back a bit, visit fewer times each week. Take your wife away on a short getaway.

Your mom will have to deal with the staff and other residents. The staff is paid to do this.

You have to save yourself too

And I have to do the same.

It is horrible for everybody, but we have to try to carry on.

Im sorry for all of us dealing with all these problems. Best of luck

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