Miserable Mother

by Bittersweet
(Massachusetts)

My 91 year old mother lives with me. It's just the 2 of us as I am divorced but I do have a boyfriend and he comes over on the weekends.


Lord knows I do what I can to make my mother happy and comfortable. I just bought a new home and she has her own bedroom, bathroom and den.

She still drives and has a car that is parked in a nice garage. What more could anyone ask for? I work all day, come home and am home most evenings. She and I go out for supper every Tuesday night and every few weeks I take her to visit the cemetery where Dad is buried.

Sounds like a pretty good deal for her, right?

You would think so but it's not. She's never happy. She complains about how far we live from everything now (6 miles) and how she doesn't have any room for all her things.(Mostly junk)

This past weekend was the worst I've ever had. Starting Thursday night she was in a pissy mood and it only got worse. I try talking to her and I get these one word answers with a miserable tone to her voice.

I have no idea why she's in this mood. I keep thinking back if there was something I said or did but I'm coming up empty.

I'm trying to ignore this miserable mood she's in and hope it blows over soon. I refuse to ask her what's wrong because I will only get my head bitten off. I have to take refuge in my bedroom and be a prisoner in my own home.

Man, this sucks. I wish she was dead.
BTW, I have 3 brothers who we never see or hear from.

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Update
by: Bittersweet

Hello everyone. Me again, 3+ years later. I thought I'd update you on what's been going on.
Back in Sept. of 2017 my mother had a left MCA stroke. She was hospitalized for about 5 days and was placed in a NH for rehab.

After a few weeks the therapists had her come home to see how she would do on her own. It was deemed she was not capable to be home alone all day. So I had to get the ball rolling to get her on Mass Health.

Keep in mind, I have zero help. Getting her on Mass Health was a mini nightmare but I must say, the NH was most helpful to me. They did so much! I just had to get the needed paperwork such as bank accounts, etc.

I also had to sell her car b/c it's considered an asset. After about 4 long months, she was approved for MA Health. But my work was not done. I still went to visit EVERY night and she wanted ME to get her ready for bed.

I do her laundry and take her to appointments. She can still walk, toilet, and feed herself, so on Saturday and Sunday I pick her up for an outing. I usually bring her home for lunch and she enjoys visiting her plants and just "being home".

I have cut back on my visits though. I went from 7 days to 6, to 4 and now I'm on a 3 times a week schedule. She has gotten used to many of the CNA's and there is one in particular she just loves and it is Maria that gets her ready for bed most nights.

I find the time I spend with her now is much more enjoyable. She still has a meltdown every so often, but for the most part she more pleasant now than she's ever been in her life!

The stroke has damaged the speaking part of her brain and most of her conversation is jumbled and made up words. But I know how to understand (most of the time) what she's trying to tell me. Sometimes she'll say: "What did I just say?" And I'll say; "I don't know, MA." And we both laugh.

She also has a tough time with comprehension and I must repeat something a few times over and restructure the sentence so she'll understand. There is still a part of me that wishes this time of my life was over.

But when it is, I'll have no regrets. And I can't lie, I LOVE not having her living with me anymore. I've more than paid my dues.
Thank you for your comments and encouragement on my post. It's so wonderful to have you all, sons and daughters that are caring for elderly parents that truly understand.

We deserve a lot more gratitude than we get.
Blessing to all of you!

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miserable mothers
by: dawn infinity

Hello everyone, i know what you guys mean, they can act miserable , i know when my mother has her bad days &good days , i guess it apart of getting older , i know it can be hard dealing with it esp if they hav everything that want &need ¬hing pleases them ,

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes they want something to fuss or grip about , i think it fires them up , or maybe its just a habit they get into i read on another forum site a nurse once told someone that if they ever had been like even before they got elderly that it gets worse with age. ,

my mother used to always fuss about something even when she was my age i remember like i say she has her bad days &good days ,i try &let it go in one ear &out the other. i don't let her gaslight me ,i just walk out of the room until she calms down , don't take it personal , like i say it can come with age i try &be understanding toward her in pther words handle her with kid gloves.remember we can only do the best we can do on this earth we are not seraphim angels yet ,until god takes us home. hugs everyone. Dawn

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Is it selfish to want our own life?
by: Anonymous

I have been having similar feelings and my mother is nice and easy going for the most part. I just sometimes hate feeling so tied down.

I raised a kid and was stuck now I have my mother, dogs, and am stuck. Can't go anywhere. Can't leave her alone.I don't want to be killed off by taking care of everybody but myself. Not fair.

And I put myself through law school and made all the money in the family. What a drag.

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So disheartening
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain and my mom doesn't live with me and recently cut me off for three months now if no communication because she went off on me when we were out in public and I just covered for her and downplayed it but just asked her why she got so upset.

My dad is living a hellish nightmare and continues to cover for her. I keep in close tabs with my dad who's an absolute Saint. After many tears and heartache I realize it's her unhappiness and my hands are tied.

This behavior is an extreme change as I've always been the close one to her. Make sure you take care of yourself as it really took its toll on me at a distance. Best wishes!

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Probably needs some meds
by: Anonymous

How nice of you to bring your mom to live with you. I did it too. After a couple of years she was so nasty and demented that I realized it was an unhealthy situation for both of us.

I moved her into an assisted living place near me. They immediately had to have her sent to a hospital ward for elderly behavior problems where they determined the smallest dose of medication to keep her from being so nasty. She also had a chronic UTI, very common, which makes the old ladies nasty.

She has slowly calmed down and adjusted. I still have to be involved with daily visits, etc. and I am the one who helps her shower, she doesn't want the nurses aides, but it is an improvement for me -- and for her.

She has people to talk to all day. Nothing is perfect, but I comfort myself by remembering it wasn't good when she was at home either.

I used to think medications were bad, but now I think it is the only way to get through a very difficult situation. There are low doses that seem to just take the edge off.

Good luck.

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Tough situation
by: Christine

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I take care of my 93 year old mother-in-law; my husband died three years ago.

I don't know if I can really help, but I have been going to counseling myself, and one of the things that I have learned is that any of the little things she does or says that annoys or upsets me is about her, not about me.

Try not to take her criticisms personally, although I know it is easier said than done. If you are not already, you may consider going to counseling to help you deal with the stress.

Also check with the local Senior Center or agency to see if there is any respite available. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with everything.

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