Miserable, Angry and Full of Resentment

by Jill
(Coconut Creek, FL)

I didn't want this responsibility - it fell into my lap. My other siblings are inconsiderate, uninvolved and enjoying their lives and freedom.


My freedoms are gone. I want my Mother to live, and I want someone else to have the responsibility of her care. My curfew of 7:30 pm every night infuriates me. I can't believe I got myself into this mess. Besides, my attitude sucks and I'm very angry with God.

I hate care giving. I have no interest in it at all. I have no nursing skills or desires to be a nurse. I'm still young enough to have a social life of sorts. But I'll pitifully dry up taking care of my Mother. I think I'll tell my sister I'm done - it's her turn. I'm not retired - she is. That's it, I'm done. Jill

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Reply
by: Anonymous

Just relax for some time and think. There is always something that can make us happy. Be happy that your siblings are happy because of you. You have just taken their burden and sacrificed your joy for them. Now that is greatness.

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And More
by: Anonymous

It doesn't stop just there either. You lose your friends because youare seen as always busy & a bit of a bore.

Nobody wants to date someone who is busy looking after Mum. Jill your family should help & you need to stand your ground.

Your worth ten of them & you let them know that

Good Luck

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Call Them All Out
by: Lorraine In New Jersey

Jill,

You need to call all of your siblings out for their omission to act. If nothing else is accomplished, you'll let them know that at the very least, they're being held to account by YOU for allowing the caregiving burden to rest squarely on your shoulders. At he very MOST, they will also be held accountable by GOD.

Your sister is retired and YOU are the primary caregiver? I'll say to you what a co-worker just said to me today about my sister: She has one HELL of a nerve and should be ASHAMED of herself!

It's very sad when co-workers and neighbors can see the toll that primary caregiving takes on the person doing the overwhelming majority of it, while the family members who should see it either aren't seeing it, or are but won't acknowledge it.

I think you should tell your sister that it's long past time that SHE step up to the plate, come out of retirement and begin a NEW career - as a DECENT daughter and elder caregiver!!

SHAME ON HER, and SHAME ON THE REST OF THEM.

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Guilt
by: Anonymous

If you cannot carry the burden because it is crushing - you may end up with another burden equally crushing - the guilt of abandoning a loved one in their time of greatest need.

It will be a life long heaviness you will take with you to the grave. Weigh the two burdens in your mind. Is there another way out? Resources - assistance, live-in caregivers?

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Did I Write This?
by: Anonymous

Sing it sister!

It seems that once one sibling begins, by default, or some sort of misinterpretation or expectation of shared filial responsibility on the part of all siblings, to take care of a parent or parents, all the others feel that they are permanently off the hook.

While you do the daily work of caring for your loved ones, as well as go to work and try to have some sort of life, they go on as if they no longer have any responsibility for your parent(s) at all. Why? Because they have all decided that you are the family servant. Are you, by any chance, single, widowed, or divorced? Do you rent instead of own your home? Is your income less than theirs (combined)? Here's the most important question: Did you give up your own home to move in with your mother to help her?

This seems to be one of the biggest traps I've read about. "It's easier to stay out than to get out," I believe Mark Twain said. So if you haven't, Don't!

These seem to be some of the deciding factors in that decision making process. I will tell you this much, they will never willingly give up their freedom, and you will have to simply take your life back, one step at a time. Tell them that they need to sit down with you because you have put in your x number of months for the year, and now it's someone else's turn. I figure that 4 siblings = 3 months per year each. My cousins used to have their mother do that and it worked very well for all of them, including their mother.

I don't know your exact situation, but good luck. I'm the primary on call caregiver for two parents and a sibling while 3 other siblings have pretty much gone on with their lives for close to 6 years. Luckily my parents are pretty independent but are getting less so with each passing year.

We are using more outside services and more delivery services (groceries/medical supplies, etc.) and home health aides. Every day is a challenge. Good luck getting your siblings to help. I have found that "I just can't" are the easiest words to say in the English language.

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Sympathy!
by: Anonymous

If you are doing this against your will, then you will be doing it badly, and the chances are that your mother will be as unhappy as you are. You have every right to expect a life of your own and if your family members haven't recognized this, they must be told, not in anger, but calmly, logically and decisively.

Once you get over the anger and guilt you will begin to see the solutions. Good luck!

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Same Boat
by: Anonymous

Oh Jill,
Your words ring true with many of us I'm sure. I hear you loud and clear and I have no judgement at all about how you feel!

For me, it's so hard to be a "caregiver" instead of a daughter; at times it feels impossible to be both. My hope for you is that writing on this page at least makes you feel better by letting off some steam!!

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