Mind Monsters

My mother is 86, she had a mild stroke a year after having abdominal aneurysm. I decided it was time she had someone close by to live with her.

I asked her 3 times before I moved, my 6 siblings were in agreement. When I made the move, it was not the warm fuzzy welcome. Years prior, she turned her spare bedroom into a walk-in closet, it eventually became a junk room with clothes she had not warn in 15 years.

She was aware I would have to flip this closet back into a bedroom as she did begin the process before I arrived. As I began the slow process (for her sake) of flipping.... it seemed she "flipped". I have been here for 2 years now and she has always resented me for this.

I believe my mother resents me because she is somewhat dependent on me, I have taken charge of her medication, doctor appointments, cleaning of "her house" (as she puts it), keeping her safe, picking her up when she falls, keep track of her medical/hospital stays, and I keep my siblings updated as to her overall health, etc.

My mother was diagnosed with dementia as well as had four major hospital stays in the last 18 months. I have come to realize she lashes out at me because she is not a happy person and really never was, and my mother just cannot take responsibility for her mistakes (it's secret), and she knows I am smarter all the while for it - as I took responsibility for my mental and emotional state for all the abuses I incurred while growing up.

I have come to realize my mother does not like a "woman" who is in control because my mother is and always has been very controlling and needs to be the center of attention.

The problem my mother has is the fact that she can control some of my movements around "her" house, what she cannot control is my thought process - the way I think and feel, but she does try!

My mother cannot go but a few days with all going well, she cannot give me that benefit, so she stirs something up so I will now be the focus of her "mind monsters" instead of her own.

So, it is a challenge, but I am fortunate to have siblings who support me - if nothing else to vent.

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So sorry for your situation
by: Anonymous

These letters break my heart and scare me to death. I am seriously considering moving in with my mother. This means leaving another state and moving from a large city in Florida to a small rural town in the mountains.

My mom is 89 and quite healthy but cannot walk without a walker and is quite physically disabled. I am visiting now for 3 weeks and see how this could be a very difficult adjustment. My mother and I have always gotten along well, but now we argue a lot.

She has moderate dementia at this time, and of course I know things will only get worse. I feel like running while I can. I know that sounds awful, but I am 60, divorced and my life is going by fast as well.

If I move here will I ever be able to have my own life again? I have been through a lot myself having lost a child to suicide and other major problems as well as divorce. Financially, I need my mothers help, but is it worth the price??

I am impatient with her now so what would it be like years from now. Both her parents lived to 95.

Frankly, she is in better health than me except I can walk and drive thank you God. Maybe this is my answer. I pray God will show me what to do quickly because I am like I said "s armed to death."

Thank you!
by: Anonymous

This site is a great help to me with caring people, like yourself, that are a support. I did not know there were sites like this, until I became desperate one day and decided to look some things up because I was taking things personally, but I now have come to realize I am not alone.

I find getting understanding of the situation helps me a ton. Thank you for your response and I do get out after my mother is tucked in, I will go to the movies or my brothers house, just go do something...anything.

As far as the daytime, I will go for a drive or walk....yes, take a break even in my own beautiful bedroom. I try not to stir the pot because I do not want to fall into her trap.

It is an interesting journey, one that I wish to grow from.
Thank you, and have a great day!

I am sorry you have to go thru this.
by: Anonymous

I am sorry you have to go thru this. My Mom has dementia as well - a bit more than mid way thru.

They lash out at us because we are close. We are there. They feel frightened and out of control because they have no control of their life anymore.

It is hard, so hard, to not take it personally. My Mom is still at home, alone. She should not be, but it is what it is(my brother holds the purse strings - POA).

I leave when she gets this way - you can't. Try telling your Mom that she cannot abuse you that way and you will not let her. Then walk out.

You don't have to leave, but at least show her what you mean. Sit in your car, or walk around the house or something. Walk a little ways down the street.

When you go back in - pretend that nothing happened and just get on with it. It is hard, and she may not even remember what the fight was about. I know how it is and all I can really do is give you a big (((HUG))).

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