Love in the Retirement home Part 2! Disaster

by Problem Pete
(Scottsdale, AZ)

I first want to apologize to everyone for my rant before about how wonderful it was that my Dad had found a love interest in the retirement home he was placed in.

Also, my nickname is "Pete" from both my Mom and Dad and I am their daughter, not son.

I don't know what compelled me to say such awful things to my Mom and sis but I felt so bad about how my Dad seemed like he had just been discarded like an old pair of slippers or shoes. I have to tell you that my Dad's behavior is now no longer acceptable per the retirement home as they have threatened me with tossing him and us out if he can't keep his hands to himself! They also claimed that he tried to take his pants off in a common hallway and there was two or three ladies present!

I have apologized profusely to both my Mom and sis and even sent them each a dozen roses trying to say just how badly I do feel about my actions and harsh words. They are still really mad at me and both told me since I'm the one who thought it was so cute that I can be the one to figure out how to deal with the problem now.

I'm really scared for Dad because I only know of one other good place for him and there is a long wait list to get into it. I'm sorry for what I said to my Mom. She had an anxiety/angina attack and is now on another medicine for her heart. I feel horrible!

Not only do I feel bad about the way I mishandled everything I just found out from my Dads main caregiver lady that my Mom has been coming almost every day to see him and its obvious that she really does love him. She tries to kiss him goodbye and he won't let her so she blows him a kiss.

God I feel awful. I'm making my Mom's favorite dish and driving it over to her tonight after I get off work. I just want her to be okay and for her and my sister to please forgive me in my poor judgement. What can we do about my Dad's behavior? I don't want to see him drugged out but what are the options for this? Anyone?

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Bladder Infections
by: Anonymous

You are getting such good feedback here. The one letter that talks about bladder infections is right on. This may not be what's going on but I am so close to my mom now that I help care give for her that I knew she had a bladder infection before she knew (not that I want to be that close to anyone else,lol).

Even the doctor that I ordered a urine test from did not think she had an infection and....yes she did. I can tell right away when our mom is 'off' and every time it has turned out to be infection.

Mom does not have dementia but when bladder infection is present she acts like person dealing with full blown dementia!
Hope you are finding all the feedback helpful.

Common Problem.
by: Leasa

You had an angry outburst, we all have at times and it's good to hear you are trying to make amends. I do question the facility your dad is in though, what you describe is a common problem within nursing homes & people with dementia.

Your dad may need a mild sedative to calm him down. I'm surprised that the facility staff can't handle this situation. Have they tried putting his pants on backwards with suspenders that are secured at the back?

Also, they may need to make sure that when in common areas your dad is kept busy. They can sit him down with puzzles, books, paper, pens or whatever he might like to do. He's confused & bored and that can lead to all kinds of inappropriate acting out. Good luck going forward.

Dad's Behavior
by: Anonymous

My dad still lives in his home with my mother, who is in the final stage of Alzheimer's. About two months ago my dad decided he was "in love" with my mother's caregiver. He could be very lewd and, at times, used very vulgar language with her. Like you, I was alarmed.

I talked to his doctor about the situation and he noted that my dad's urinalysis, taken a week earlier, showed he had a bladder infection. He told me that in the elderly a bladder infection can/will cause odd behavior. He prescribed an antibiotic and within two days he was back to normal. You might want to see if your dad has a bladder infection. Maybe that's all it is.

by: Anonymous

I'm crying too! Pete dear girl, retreat. Just admit to them (mom & sis)that this is a very difficult thing to deal with and you will never be the same again.

But I don't think you would be made to make the decisions now concerning your dad. Because this is not about you alone, this is about 'the family' especially your mother right now - and (on another plain) your sister and yourself.

You are in a 'prodigal's position'. Just offer yourself to your mother as if to say "I was foolish, tell me how I can help, because you know dad's situation better than I. I know nothing. Please allow me to be there for you, and together we will work out the best plan for dad."

Your dad is barely aware of the negative effect his actions are having on everyone concerned (including himself - dear soul), but your mother is... she is the one that needs the help. Your love and support for her is crucial - and this will never change.

Ask Jesus to forgive you for being so blind to your family's needs and hurtful to your Mom & Sis. Ask Him to heal their broken hearts and fill them with His love and mercy, and ask Him to guide you from here on... and He will.

by: Anonymous

Dear Pete,
Everyone makes mistakes. Your apologies sure sound heartfelt and this too (like everything else fortunately and unfortunately) will pass.

I have no idea how to help your dad. This is something the doctors should be helping with.
We all (family caregivers) lose our minds every once in a while!And on we go.....

Please give us the 'part 3' when there is one. I really appreciate you letting us know what happened. We all learn from each other here (at least I do).
mary santa rosa

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