by Susan

Its been 4 years now, a comment I read was living constant fight or flight,this is me, My dad 93 with Alzheimer's passed last year, I now have my mother 89 with vascular dementia 89,and as commented earlier by one lady ,who I admired for saying what she really feels,she wish her mother would die,"I too wish my mother would die" so I can have my/our life back. I feel the most resentment one could possibly feel my parents did not have the situation of caring dumped on them as I did,both of them from big families,5-6 other siblings to share the load, add to that their parents died younger back then,mid to late 70's.

It's difficult to not think about the times my parents used to go out when I was a child,out dancing and enjoying them selves most nights,the usual thing was my brother and I would be put to bed, string would be tied around the bedroom doors supposedly, so they would know if we had been out of our rooms whilst they were out.

I am now 65 and to this day I do not know if it was just a rattling of the door to make us think it was there, all I know is I never once tried to go out,in case I "broke the string".

My only sibling dies 27 years ago,so only child now.

I have lived in New Zealand for the best part of my life 42 years, all our friends are there. Our home life style, what were jobs, A beautiful dog our "baby" 15 years but none the less still life in her we loved her.

Prior to having to give up our life and come here to the UK,we had many times in the past tried to persuade my parents to come to NZ,where we could get a bigger home and care for them there.

All the information was given many times,it fell on deaf ears,my dad would say I wouldn't live in that place if you paid me a million pounds,or it feels like we are throwing kindness in your face well that place was my home.

So I came back here on my own several times prior to moving here. I sorted things out, got things on board, did all I could before going home again to my husband. 4 months away was horrendous,it lasted 2 years and then the phone calls,when are you coming,crying on the phone all hours before bed or early morning.

All this whilst trying to live a life, it all got so bad that I had to seek help for my own mental health, I could not do it all the worry and stress was making me ill.Feeling of guilt, responsibility, worry stress constantly wore me down.

So we
made the decision to pack up all our belongings give up our life,and sadly had our beautiful baby put to sleep, finding her a new home would have been cruel after being with us for 15 years,she was old.

So now here we are in a place we feel aliens. We live in an area we don't like, a far cry from what we are used to. We would find it difficult to move as that would cause more problems as my mother is a meek needy person who did nothing to help herself and my dad did everything.

She didn't know how to use a cheque book debit card, or how to use the bank,never had any hobbies or pastime.

You know I could go on writing for ever here, but the fact is it's not going to change the situation.

I have read some of the blogs and my heart breaks and goes out to all you brave people,sometimes I have thought I have nothing to get mad about reading others peoples stories,and its awful to say that sometimes it can actually make you feel better about your self.

There is one shining light for me and that is my husband,he has stood by my side through all of this,he too has given up his life ,home,how self less is that, and I truly am blessed with a wonderful man.

I worry sometimes he will tire of all this and leave when he does get down as he has every right to do. I have said to him, go home honey,I don't want him to go of course, but at the same time it's his life he's giving up too, for what, a old woman who is not even his blood relative.

If you are thinking "go home" the word is guilt that keeps me here.

It's painful visiting my mother, it's the same, same,same every time, "are you going any where,do you want a cup of tea, have you done your washing", life has become so not worth living and I sometimes think not being alive at all would be a better option that this torturous life we are having to lead.

If we knew when we could go home it might send a little light at the end of the tunnel for us,but right now there is no light.

I don't want to take care of incontinence problems,doctors,nurses appointments, shopping,the smell of urine,the feces on the bathroom wall and sink. I'm sorry I must stop now, this will not help me or anyone else reading this.

I need to finish with all my best wishes and the hope that all and everyone who find them selves in this caring situation be blessed with much love and a sense of "this will end"
God bless everyone

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