Losing the Plot

by Hannah
(West Yorkshire)

My family and I (husband and 5 year old) took the decision to move into my 97 year old Grandma's house to care for her and let my mum who was living with my grandma as she got made redundant live at our house.

I made this decision because my grandma although good for her age was falling and not being fully cared for as my mum was working and not the sort of person to be a carer.

Now, when things get too much I am becoming very angry and feel like I am losing my mind and am about to completely snap and have a breakdown. My husband is great and is thoroughly supportive but I feel like we have no life(in my 30s) and it is taking all of my energy and patience to deal with the demands from my grandma and also the attention my 5 year old needs.

I have turned into a raging tearful monster who now finds it incredibly hard to keep my patience some days over the smallest things. I am also having to deal with early onset menopause and hormones flying about all over the place.

I feel guilty because I wanted to do this for my gran who brought me up and is like a mother to me, she took me out of a bad family situation and repaired a lot of damage with her love and I could not stand to see her in a home.

I am angry at my mum who does nothing and my uncle who is good but the help is limited as he lives some distance away. I feel I could lift a car up and throw it through the air such is the strength of my anger at times.

Where is my former patient self who had time for anyone and the patience of a saint gone? I want her back but cannot see a way out.

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93 angry grandma
by: Anonymous

I'm so glad I found this page.
Five months ago we moved my husband's 93 year old grandmother into our home. We make sure someone one is there with her at all times, but that's not good enough.

She yells and complains she is lonely and no one to talk to. We all work and take turns being home.

We still have s house to take care of and our 5 year old grandson lived with us as well. I'm losing my mind being yelled at and my kids for that matter.

We gave up our entire lives so she wouldn't have to live alone and not go into a home. She is so bossy and demanding. Has to have a huge list of junk food every week, but then refuses to eat real meals.

So I cut back on the junk food and that makes her mad that she can't have whatever she wants. No one gets whatever they want. So frustrated!

by: Anonymous

I hear exactly what you are saying. I am going through a similar situation except its my mother in law who has come to live with us after her stroke. She is 91 & making my life hell. She is nasty when my husband is not around & pleasant when he is.
She even says to him about me, I don't know why she hates me.
I am can not take it anymore.it has strained my family life & marriage.

I could go on but I am mentally exhausted.
I hope things are better for you now.

by: Hannah

Just wanted to say thank you for your comments. When I read your story it makes me see that I am actually quite lucky.

I am sorry for what you are going through too, one of the hardest things to deal with is the lack of unity within families, you feel deserted and that they are only making sure they are okay and stuff you.

I will read your comments every time I start to feel stressed because coming from someone on the outside of this particular situation looking in they are a comfort and have taken on board what you said about help and a home which I will consider if it becomes too hard to physically care for my gran as there is nothing I can do about that.

I am sorry to hear about your son you sound like an incredible person. Best wishes

So sorry
by: Anonymous

I know it is so hard to care for an elderly, failing, loved one. You are not alone, But, I must tell you that when it gets to the point you are describing, you must either get outside help, or move your Grandmother into a care home.

My MIL was in one and it was wonderful. Not like home, but she was well looked after, well fed, and had daily activities to keep her occupied. She was happy there, but it took a couple of months.

My mother is mid way thru vascular dementia and is still at home. against the doctor's wishes and mine. My rat brother and sister shut me out completely because i was trying to convince Mom to move where she could be monitored 24/7.

She falls, is very confused at times, won't eat or drink and her kidneys are failing. But they all think she's okay at home. No she isn't, but it is on them if anything happens. I had to cut my care time with her drastically because my adult son developed serious health problems that we are still getting taken care of.

Your husband and child need you as well as your grandmother and it is very difficult to give your all to everyone. Just from your speaking of it, you are angry and depressed and overwhelmed.

There comes a time when we just have to think of our own well being and that of your own family.

I love my mother and MIL very much (she passed in May), but they need more than we kids could give them. Check into a home care place like Home Instead or something like that.

It's not ideal, not you, but if you lose you, you won't be any good for anybody. I can tell you this because I have BTDT. Good luck with this. My heart goes out to you.

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