Losing Mind & Body Health

(Fort Wayne IN)

I moved in with my mother on 2-14-11 to care for her after her husband died. She is 90, has Alzheimer's and this is a 24/7 job.

I am 55 and receive no help from older siblings except for the fact that a brother 3 yrs my senior took mom to an out of town lawyer and had her sign p.o.a. over to him and changed her will.

For the first year he continually degraded me over what I did and how expenses were dealt with.

I am unemployed and have no means of supporting myself due to caring for mom 24/7. I feel drained with the daily dealing of the care I provide but love mom too much to stop.

It is a challenging task to clean her up after accidents, explain to her things such as a mirror, repeating myself two or three times every time something is said, etc...

The problems I find distressing are not the care I am giving but the support from other siblings. I have a $100 child support order every week so my brother decided that $145 should cover any expense I have and that's what mom and I live on, out of her savings.

I have a older sister that also lives close by but neither one visit or try to help and another brother out of state. I have had 1 1/2 days (off) since beginning this task and during this time have watched my brother go to Fla, or races and always come over once a week to gloat on how good he is.

I have tried to take mom to visit at his house but they leave her sit in a room and disappear to do other things. (within minutes)and when he does come over once a week he expects a home cooked meal and complains about the money spent on daily things.

I've become depressed and am watching my health slowly fail as when I try to exercise, do any housecleaning,cook, basically anything, mother gets upset and angry that she can't be involved. I tried to let her help but she hurts herself so I can't let her.

She sits while awake and drifts off, not talking or else shes angry,or sad she can't remember anything like my name,where she is at etc...
I can't see putting her in a home as she would pass quickly and all I want is for her to be happy and comfortable in her remaining time.

I know my relationship with my siblings is beyond repair after mother is gone and can deal with this fact but really am having trouble with the fact that it seems all they are concerned about is the inheritance, which is not that great. Any comments or help would surely make me grateful

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Keep Going!
by: Anonymous

Thanks for writing back, usually don't hear back from people on here.
I'm going to be blunt...you are too nice (while seething with resentment underneath?). Find a lawyer who can help you free of charge.

Find a caregiver support group too, you will learn all kinds of helpful stuff from the members.

DO NOT GIVE UP on finding help even if it means you have to have it out with your brother. I know what I'm talking about and even though it is really, really hard to do, you will have more respect for yourself when it's all past.

Most caregivers die before the people they are caring for!! I learned that in my support group, freaked me out!

Don't give up, do something. You can do it.
Good job by the way getting on searching out your help options. Even if you have no religion, some help might come from a church group?
mary :)

Thanx for the feedback
by: Anonymous

Thank you both for the replies. Yes, I have looked into help and can receive some from Medicare for free but it requires my brothers signature. He says it's not needed.

A lot of praying seems to be the only vice I have for getting the anger to subside but it comes quickly back when my siblings arrive. Oh well, just have to tough it out I guess. Thanks for the support though, it does mean a lot to just hear others opinions on the matter. God Bless you both.

Dear Losing Mind
by: Anonymous

Your letter reminds me of so much that my brother and I have been through taking care of our mom, while others looked on or patted themselves on the back and critiqued the two of us.

I feel for you so much. This is what i know for sure: holding onto expectations and resentments only makes me sick (emotionally and physically) so I do whatever it takes to give my resentments up and let them go (sometimes over and over again).

Also, please look into asking your doctor or your mom's doctor for what support you can get at no cost.

There must be Something out there from the Alzheimer's societies or senior healthcare or something that could offer some choices of how you can regain YOUR sanity and emotional foundation again.
Let us know how it goes with you.
Mary in Santa Rosa Ca

You need to research resources and get some help!
by: Anonymous

Maybe you need to call Alzheimer's Association open 24-7. 1-800-272-3900. or alz.org

Can you look into what legal arrangements were made, get a copy of it and then go to a free legal aid lawyer who specializes in Elder law (maybe he has a half hour free consultation) so you can find money to pay for the help instead of YOU doing it?

What state do you live in? Have you done research online? Can you find a Geriatric Caregiver Management counselor?

Your state has resources. You can find a better way. You know what doesn't work. Have faith that you can find the best way for you and your mom! Our prayers are with you as well.

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