Losing Control of Mom's Life

I've been taking care of mom for five years. Between last Christmas and this Christmas I've noticed a big decline. For the past few months she has been having frequent nausea whether before or after a meal. Because of the nausea she now refuses her medications for blood pressure, cholesterol, her daily aspirin and various vitamins. She also has a chronic cough that is getting worse.

Last week she had a fall.

Nothing broken but she got a scrape on her elbow, big bruise on the shoulder and big bruise and bump on the hip. She has refused to go to the doctor for any of the above.

It's hard enough to live with a person in their declining years, but to have them refuse any medical care, makes it even more frustrating. All this time I've managed to keep her in good health but I am now losing control of the situation. She is making these decisions and I'm having to abide by them.

It's more like she is in charge now rather than me. It feels like my duty and responsibility and even my pride in keeping her healthy are no longer viable.

It's a role change for me.

If I'm not keeping her healthy and alive, then what am I doing? What is my role now? To sit back and accept the inevitable changes? I was doing much better when I had an active role of "doing" rather than a passive role of accepting. If she's not eating, not taking pills, not going to the doctor, then what am I supposed to do?

It's like I no longer have anything to do but watch her decline. As much as her changes are so hard to watch, now I have my own changes to deal with, too. In a way, the less I'm doing, the more I have to deal with. It's not only her life changing, it's mine too.

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Losing control over all of it
by: Kp

I know how you feel. While my dad will go to the doctor he is as stubborn as a mule about everything else.

At first I felt like the slave/maid and I was - God forgive me - expecting a Thank You once in a while. Well that never came.

Then I started to resent everything I did do because he didn't appreciate any of it - so I stopped one day and guess what - I ended up cleaning and doing because it had to be done and he wasn't going to do it.

I decided that the path moving forward for him has to be his choices and his decisions. When the time comes that he can no longer do that I will figure out what to do - but I can tell you this - trying to get them to do something they don't want to do is not worth the grief it entails.

Walk away into another room - or outside for 5 minutes. Take a few deep breaths and let it go - sometimes it works - sometimes not so much. The good news is it won't be forever - although it feels that way

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