Long Post about Narcissistic Mother - Sorry

by Anonymous

I'm not a boomer but a 40 year old only child. My dad already passed when I was 16. Since then I've been left alone with my self absorbed egotistical narcissistic mother.

The stress, demands, constant criticisms, crazy twisted views of hers nearly killed me while I was living with her. Thankfully I left for school at 19 and had a happy 8 years living hundreds of miles away.

I came back for work and lived in close proximity - again my mood, esteem, and life spiraled downwards from the constant contact. Three years later I got married, moved hundreds of miles away again, and had another happy 10 years away.

But now I am back in closer proximity and her health has spiraled downwards ever since I've been back. It's been one ambulance after another, in and out of the hospital for months at a time, back home then again another event, over and over the past 3 years.

The worst part is I feel she is partly responsible for all that's happened to her by purposefully neglecting and not taking care of herself. I also feel she is using this situation as a ploy to get me to permanent take care of her, while I have a child and husband to tend to hours away.

She doesn't seem to care about my marriage breaking down or all the school my child has to miss to come tend to her.

On top of it all when I finally leave to go home she screams what a horrible useless child I am and doesn't appreciate one thing I've done for her. She dismisses every sacrifice and chore I've

done for her as "nothing", no big deal.

My health has completely broken down since this drama started and I feel and look like I've aged 10 years in the past 3. I am constantly on the verge of mental and physical breakdown and can't take anymore.

But I am her only living relative and couldn't abandon her. She has friends that she also takes advantage of and they all get angry with me because she tells them what a horrible child I am that won't help her, to get their sympathy and help, then they dislike and resent me for feeling like they have to pick up my slack.

I feel completely alienated and looked down on in addition to already being orphaned.

Now this latest event will have her in a wheelchair, but she refuses a nursing home and insists she is going home to have all of us take care of her (which we all have to drive hours to come and do).

Everyone is at their wits end with her and I don't even have the strength to visit her in the hospital, as I can't comprehend how even this event hasn't humbled her in the least.

I feel so horrible that she needs some love and support while she's in the hospital with this newest transition, but I can't even look at her or fake a smile. I just feel collapsed and catatonic when I think of her. I don't know how I can continue with this.

Even though I just realized she has NPD I still can't detach from her. It is like she has my life and my soul in her fist.

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Toxic relationship with mom
by: Anonymous

I agree. You cannot please a narcissist. The harder you try the worse they treat you. Someone like your mother needs to learn the hard way that they are causing their own problems and alienating themselves from friends and family.

Your priority is your children and spouse. Her toxic relationship with you will can poison your own family life and kill your marriage.

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Caregiver to a Narcissistic Mother
by: CS-Anonymous

I let myself get sucked into living with and caring for my narcissistic mother and my advice is "Don't let this happen to you!"

I fooled myself into believing that we could have the relationship that we never had. That I could make her last years good ones, play cards with her, go to lunch, just talk like friends and enjoy being together.

I had forgotten that narcissistic people don't want to communicate unless it is a criticism or demand. They want servants to do for them constantly and nothing is every enough or good enough.

My mother has always been an unhappy, selfish person who enjoyed causing others emotional pain. It gave her a sense of power and pleasure. She has not changed. She sucks the happy right out of me every day.

I look and feel old and stuck.

No other family member wants her and yet I feel guilty thinking about putting her in assisted living. If I continue to care for her, I think I will die before she does. I'm 68. She's 89 and healthy... and mean, crabby, bitchy, demanding, unappreciative, complaining... it never stops.

Narcissistic people never change. Run! Don't do as I have done. This was a terrible mistake and so far, it has been three years of misery for me.

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Stop!
by: Anonymous

Do not, do not, do not take this on!

In my humble opinion after dealing with 50 years of unreasonable narcissism, here is my advice.

Prioritize:

1. Your child...this person is number 1. Take the time to give to them...no excuses...they grow up too fast!

2. Your marriage. Your husband. It there is any chance of salvaging it at all, apologize to him for letting your mother take away from your marriage and run, run, run to counseling.

3. Stay away as much as possible. Get her into an assisted living group home or senior apartment with some services. Do not let her guilt you into ever living with you.

Ultimately, us children of narcissists need to learn to love ourselves. We were never supported or truly given unconditional love. Protect yourself and find your love from your child and/or partner.

Good luck....BE STRONG!

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