Lonely, depressed and feeling guilty
by Mary Elizabeth
When I was a little girl my mother treated me differently then the other three. I watched as she kissed and loved on them wondering why she never kissed or loved on me.
My mother wasn't necessarily cruel to me, but I basically was ignored most of the time, and when she did interact with me it was like an unwanted job she had to do. I cannot think of any good memories of her when I was child, only negative.
My dad was a cheat and a wife abuser. His verbal abuse continued up until last year when my mom had a stroke. All of a sudden he became loving and affectionate toward her, I guess out of guilt.
My dad was never around when I was a little girl. He never talked with me, took me anywhere, or spent any time with me. He worked 24/7 or at least that is where he said he was but while I was growing up he had a steady line of girlfriends, one of which he moved into our actual home.
As an adult my parents barely called me and when they did I could tell it was "because they had to." My mom all of a sudden would tell me she loved me but it was foreign and unnatural to me as she never told me growing up. My dad, to this day, has never told me he loves me.
Now my dad expects me to take care of him and my mom. I have been doing this for one year now. My mom should be in a nursing home as she is around the clock care, washing, feeding, assisting to bathroom, wiping, cutting up her food, giving her medications, etc. She gets up on average 8 times per night to use the bathroom and she needs assistance so I get little sleep.
My sister helps little and my two brothers not at all. Somehow everyone elected me to be their full time caregiver. I have left my home in New York,
my church and my grown children to move to Florida to care for my parents.
I am so lonely I cry most nights and I beg God to let this end.....but still it continues day and night.
Guilt consumes me because I want them both to be taken to Heaven. I do not feel love for them but do not feel that they ever truly loved me. Their "love" seems so fake to me.
My father will not allow outside help to come in and refuses to put my mother in a nursing home. Somehow he thinks I should do everything around the clock. He gives me money here and there and thinks that should keep me happy. You can't buy real love.
I am 52 and my parents are 84 and 85. The doctors keep giving them more and more pills to keep them alive. My parents never took care of their aging parents but yet expect me to take care of them with no help.
My aunts and uncles and friends and even hospital workers and care management teams tell me how unhealthy it is to do this 24/7 and that I need help but my dad just doesn't see this.
I AM CRACKING UP!
I will say what most won't. I don not want to do this any longer and I want my parents to die so I can have my life back. I am depressed, lonely and have given up my home, my church, my job and all of my friends to come to another state. I am locked in the house 24/7 and only can go out when they need medications or food.
My father is selfish and does not see how hard this is on me. In his world everything is wonderful and he does not understand why I don't feel it wonderful as well.
Today I told my dad how I really feel and now I can't stop crying and feel so guilty and wish I had kept silent.
I pray every day that this will end....