Lonely, depressed and feeling guilty

by Mary Elizabeth

When I was a little girl my mother treated me differently then the other three. I watched as she kissed and loved on them wondering why she never kissed or loved on me.


My mother wasn't necessarily cruel to me, but I basically was ignored most of the time, and when she did interact with me it was like an unwanted job she had to do. I cannot think of any good memories of her when I was child, only negative.

My dad was a cheat and a wife abuser. His verbal abuse continued up until last year when my mom had a stroke. All of a sudden he became loving and affectionate toward her, I guess out of guilt.

My dad was never around when I was a little girl. He never talked with me, took me anywhere, or spent any time with me. He worked 24/7 or at least that is where he said he was but while I was growing up he had a steady line of girlfriends, one of which he moved into our actual home.

As an adult my parents barely called me and when they did I could tell it was "because they had to." My mom all of a sudden would tell me she loved me but it was foreign and unnatural to me as she never told me growing up. My dad, to this day, has never told me he loves me.

Now my dad expects me to take care of him and my mom. I have been doing this for one year now. My mom should be in a nursing home as she is around the clock care, washing, feeding, assisting to bathroom, wiping, cutting up her food, giving her medications, etc. She gets up on average 8 times per night to use the bathroom and she needs assistance so I get little sleep.

My sister helps little and my two brothers not at all. Somehow everyone elected me to be their full time caregiver. I have left my home in New York, my church and my grown children to move to Florida to care for my parents.

I am so lonely I cry most nights and I beg God to let this end.....but still it continues day and night.

Guilt consumes me because I want them both to be taken to Heaven. I do not feel love for them but do not feel that they ever truly loved me. Their "love" seems so fake to me.

My father will not allow outside help to come in and refuses to put my mother in a nursing home. Somehow he thinks I should do everything around the clock. He gives me money here and there and thinks that should keep me happy. You can't buy real love.

I am 52 and my parents are 84 and 85. The doctors keep giving them more and more pills to keep them alive. My parents never took care of their aging parents but yet expect me to take care of them with no help.

My aunts and uncles and friends and even hospital workers and care management teams tell me how unhealthy it is to do this 24/7 and that I need help but my dad just doesn't see this.

I AM CRACKING UP!

I will say what most won't. I don not want to do this any longer and I want my parents to die so I can have my life back. I am depressed, lonely and have given up my home, my church, my job and all of my friends to come to another state. I am locked in the house 24/7 and only can go out when they need medications or food.

My father is selfish and does not see how hard this is on me. In his world everything is wonderful and he does not understand why I don't feel it wonderful as well.

Today I told my dad how I really feel and now I can't stop crying and feel so guilty and wish I had kept silent.

I pray every day that this will end....

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Saint John
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone,

I have read all your posts and I want all of you to lift up your heads because you all have or still are riding a storm. Believe me that day you are looking for will come. It's called the power of thought. Believe in what you ask for. I want to say to everybody out there reading this. I love every one of youuu. God Bless and remember the power of thought. Good night all....

love you all SJ

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Old
by: Anonymous

I feel for you and respect you for taking care of someone. I was orphaned at 6 and just kicked to the curb, grew up on the streets by myself and became wealthy yet still alone.

Now I am old and just clicking off time outlived everybody I knew. Most mornings I awake and am sad I am still here.

I go to cafe's and watch families eat and laugh and they seem so happy, also I see young people mad and argue about small things and wish they would realize how lucky they are. When it rains is the most tough time to be alone.

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Save Yourself
by: Anonymous

Hey there, boy oh boy am I sorry to hear your story, you were ever so bold to give up your entire life to care for your parents. Bravo!

Now I would like to encourage you to get your life back asap!

If you can hire some outside help. Sadly when people feel burned out, elder abuse can and does take place. It could be something as simple as a person sitting on soiled linen, or not getting their medications dosages correctly and/or on time, it may not seem too bad but it is a form of abuse.

However please, if you can find another church and pray that the good lord sends you to the right place, sometimes god puts us in places that we may not like, but for some odd reason, we are needed so that others may be blessed, so lean on the everlasting arms.

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I get it@
by: Bonnie

This is just the kind of feelings I was trying to describe in my initial post. I understand. What I hear from many people when I seek help is "Just be glad your mother is still with you" or "someday you will miss her" and "You must believe in God's plan and timing" or the best one "you're earning wings in heaven".

That's fine and dandy for people who are believers, but I'm not so sure I even am any more. I'm worn down. Empty. Ask God for help? I have every night and am at the point of wondering if he even exists.

Does that make me some kind of heathen for feeling as I do about this caregiving task? Maybe so to some folks. But to me I'm just a realistic. I see things for what they are. This does not mean I wish ill to my mother or even pray for her demise.

And THAT'S the conflict so many of us have - we are being destroyed while doing what we know is right. It creates an internal conflict for some us and we have no way to resolve it but by waiting for the inevitable to occur.

My husband had a sudden illness and was in ICU a couple years ago. He'd developed dementia 2 years prior to that, along with paranoia and thought everything was my fault. No matter what went wrong, no matter what he couldn't find or do, he blamed me.

Even during the one time that they brought him out of induced coma, he looked at me and said "This is your fault." I knew he was ill and totally drugged up so I didn't take it personally, but its not fun knowing those were his last words to me before he died.

I loved him dearly and stuck by him like glue through it all, but the moment he died I felt relieved - not because he was gone, but because my burden ended.

That lays a mighty heavy layer of guilt on a person. So when people talk about there being a "reason for everything" or "it's God's planning", I have a hard time feeling comforted by such words.

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