Life’s So Unfair

I am the middle child of three children. I was criticized by mother and treated appallingly by her when I was ill with depression. I was bullied at school, abused by my uncle and my mother and sister did not believe me. I had psychological and sexual harassment in the bank which made me that ill I had to retire from work and have never worked since.

Then I had terrible abuse in a psychiatric hospital, put on horrific drugs for schizophrenia, which I was wrongly diagnosed with. I’ve tried to commit suicide 3 times in my life, I wish I had succeeded sometimes.

Now I am the only one caring for my mother who has dementia. My father died with vascular dementia 6 years ago. I have forgiven my mother for the way she has treated me all my life. Two wrongs don’t make a right and at the end of the day she is still my mother.

I’ve had no support off my family all my life especially my sister. She passes my mothers flat twice a day and never goes to visit her, let alone do anything. I moved in with my mother last year for a month as I felt she needed 24 hour care.

It made me ill I never slept a wink for 2 1/2 weeks. My brother and sister both criticized me for moving in with her without consulting them. My brother lives about 4 hours away. He came up to my mothers to install cameras for my mum and told me to move back home.

My mother went wandering one night and got lost, luckily a nice couple brought her home. Now I’m looking at the cameras 24/7. The last email I had off my sister was very upsetting. She ended by saying that I needed professional help and she couldn’t help me.

I have not replied to that email because it’s a waste of time, she will never understand mental illness.

I just cannot face putting my mother in a home as she is very aggressive. I took her to a home last year and had to bring her home as she physically assaulted several members of staff. The situation is getting worse and I just don’t know what to do.

I can’t carry on like this on my own, I need help. My friends are saying I’m going to end up in a coffin before my mother. Ive suffered with depression and insomnia all my life, it’s so unfair.

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Absolutely mentally and physically exhausted.
by: Anonymous

Finally last week, my mum was sectioned after fighting for two years to get her in a home or hospital, only because I got a lovely MHN and she said this has been going on far too long.

Ive cried and cried, had many sleepless nights and last week I had a letter from the Job Centre asking me to go for an appointment with a view to going back to work. I rang them and said there is no way I can attend that appointment. Ive just collapsed and ill myself.

I told them all this at the assessment. My condition is a lot worse than it was 2 years ago. The woman at the Job Centre said I need to do a mandatory reconsideration request which will be on the letter they sent me.

I said I haven't had the letter, she said I need to ring DWP asap because I only get 28 days. I rang the DWP was waiting one and a half hours for them to answer and they said the letter was sent out on the 10 February so that means I've got a week to appeal.

I asked for a copy of the report and statement of means. They sent the report but not the statement of reasons. Im not happy at all, I'm very ill myself now because of what I have been through the last two years. I rang my doctor and asked for a copy of the report sent to DWP.

They said they didn't have a copy, I said you must have a copy.She said no I will have to ring the DWP on monday. This is all too much for me, I haven't got the energy to type it out. Ive been in bed for 2 days as Ive not slept a wink for days and I ache all over.

I will have to ring them on Monday. I rang the doctor and said I need an urgent appointment, she said the first available one was on Thursday next Week, I said that's no good I got upset and said I was having a nervous breakdown, she then said Monday at I will wait to see what happens on Monday.

I’m at breaking point
by: Anonymous

It has been the worst Xmas I’ve ever had. My mums dementia has deteriorated greatly over the last couple of months. A week before Xmas she was punching and kicking the carers. She had completely lost the plot.

I rang the doctor to get someone out straight away. Waited in all day and no one turned up so I rang the doctor again, they said my mum wasn’t on the list. So I said forget it and took a water sample in myself.

The next day they got back to me and said my mum did have a water infection. She started a weeks course of antibiotics, after a week she was no better so I rang the doctor again. He came out the same day and examined my mum and said her stomach was tender and she still had an infection. He was very concerned about her and ordered an ambulance. We waited 6 hours for the ambulance.

We got to the hospital and were there approximately 6 hours having blood tests done and another water sample. They came back and said there was no reason to keep my mum in as the infection had cleared.

We got a taxi home, but my mum was still really bad. I rang CMHT and they said it as unlikely anyone would get out to us over Xmas. My mum wasn’t eating, drinking or taking her meds.

Meanwhile my brother and sister were ordering me to do things yet again. I told them I can’t do this anymore especially with no help from my sister.

I asked her why she didn’t help with mum, she said because that’s what the carers are paid to do. The carers do 3 hours a day and I do the other 21. My sister asked for more money off my mum a couple of months ago and I said no as she’d already had £75k off her and does absolutely nothing for her. She said right you can make your own arrangements for Xmas and deleted me off Facebook.

My brother said it’s only fair that we all get the same money for Xmas. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fair. Life isn’t fair and I’m not giving my sister another penny of my mum's money, she doesn’t deserve anything.

She’s been to Portugal for Xmas and is going away for new year as well. I’ve had to cancel my arrangements for the new year because I can’t leave my mum in the state she’s in.

I don’t know what to do, I’ve had enough.

Siblings who are crazy
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your very kind words and sympathy. MHT is Mental Health Team. The CPN came today to see me. She said it was my decision what happened to my mother and she said she wouldn’t like to be in my shoes.

The latest is that my siblings want to give my mother more freedom. We took her house key off her last year. They want to give it her back or have a numerical lock on the front door so she doesn’t lock herself out.

They are crazy, my mother is 86 years old, very vulnerable and has dementia. The CPN didn’t agree with my siblings. She said the best thing was to have the ark angel system.

I have plenty of friends that support me and a couple of relatives. I went to Croatia in May which was a lovely break but after a couple of days home again, didn’t feel like I had a holiday.

I’ve suffered with depression and insomnia all my life, I will be on medication for the rest of my life. I take Lorazepam for insomnia which gives me about 4 hours sleep a night, so I wake up tired before I even start the day.

Thank you for your support and you take care too.

by: Greenacres

Our situations are very similar as far as siblings go. You have been there for your mom all these years and I think you know what is best for her. You have to make this decision all by yourself, I guess. I do not know what MHT means.

Don't let your siblings bully you! Have you found someone to talk to yet? It is not worth risking your health over this. You matter too. Will you honestly be okay if she goes to MHT? It is the only mother you have but, you sound like a person who is wearing thin.

When was the last time you had a break? Is it all the stress causing your sleeplessness? I get bouts of it and I know how it can affect you in every way possible. My episodes are either stress or full blown menopause. It's crazy how some families turn on each other instead of pulling together.

It's like you never really knew them. It is hard to cut them out of your life because they are family, plus it really hurts a lot. Good luck to you and take care.

No support off siblings
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments. I get no help off my siblings but my brother lives about 4 hours drive away.

My sister has never offered support to me all my life and she’s not going to start doing it now. I’ve sent her texts saying I can’t deal with it anymore and she just ignores them.

She thinks because I don’t work I can do everything for my mum. The reason I don’t work is because I suffer with depression and insomnia. If I worked she would have to do more.

I had to cancel a holiday last year because my sister wouldn’t sleep over with my mum although she was sleeping through the night at that time., I’m in a no win situation.

I have been assigned a CPN who I am due to see on Wednesday. My cousin has told me to hand over to the MHT as I can’t go on like this, I’ve been caring for my mum for 7 years and I’ve done more than my fair share.

I understand
by: Greenacres

Maybe you should consider your own state of mind. Have you considered the amount of stress you are under? You need to take care of yourself because you matter.

Won't your siblings jump in and help Mom? Maybe you have considered walking away from the situation, but then the guilt comes. If so, don't feel alone. I feel guilty sometimes, too.

Sometimes Mom and I really get into it! But we do not hold grudges. I think it's unhealthy to hold in your feelings and if you can't find emotional support from family, you are going to have to look elsewhere.

Thank God for my husband and son. They are very supportive and loving. It just really seems hard living with a parent when you have a life of your own. Take it day at a time. This is a real life changer. Sorry I can't help with the insomnia.

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