Letting Go, Accepting Change, Moving On
August 26 is the anniversary date of moving in with mom. It will mark 6 years. Mom is 96. Lately, I see her slipping more and more from this world. The very thing I wanted since day one - freedom - is seeming more of a reality. And now I have to prepare for the change. I've made a life here. I work from home, I have my office set up, all my mail comes here, I have a mechanic, a dentist, a doctor, an eye doctor. I have my rental home nearby that I take care of, I have good friends, all my favorite shopping stores are nearby, I joined a gym, I'm near the beach.
It's taken 6 years to reach this place of comfort and, as hard as it is to take care of mom everyday and go through her old age suffering with her, I've had to make myself a life for my own sanity, and I've accomplished that and now, like a house of cards, I will will walk away from it all and start all over.
Part of me looks forward to the change but part of me is holding on. I have to reconcile with that part that is holding on. Mom is passing from this earth. This is inevitable.
I think a lot of my frustration with her now is that I'm trying to keep her here and it's getting time for her to go. She doesn't want to eat much, she hardly wants to talk, she's losing enthusiasm for anything, I think she's depressed, I think she's getting ready in her own mind to let go.
And her letting go, is my life change, so I'm in this struggle, within myself, to keep her here.
Its a fear-based struggle of resistance. A fear of the unknown and, having moved so many times in my life, a fear of the known of what it entails to move and start over.
I have plans for a place I'm moving to, a new area, but it's the letting go, once again, in my life. Letting go. Trusting the change.