Last One Standing

by Lucy

I live with and take care of my 82 year old narcissistic mother. I have MS, so I do not drive. All of my family members stay away, knowing they will be insulted harshly if they call or come over. I have bought so many gifts for her just to get some peace, my cards are maxed out. No one seems to know what to do, but I really resent them knowing I am sacrificing any joy to make sure she's okay.

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your mom
by: Anonymous

Buying gifts is not an uncommon thing to do, though it's financially detrimental. I was in a horrible marriage many years ago and shopped and shopped and shopped foolishly thinking I could buy happiness in a store and come home to hang it on the wall. Doesn't work. You're doing the same thing. Stop.

So, is your mother yours now for good with no hope of her leaving? If that's the case, about all you can do is change your attitude about it because trust me, she will not change hers and if your situation is bad now it's only going to get worse as she ages. Sorry, that's the way it is.

You have a lot on your plate having MS with no help apparently from your siblings and how utterly selfish of them all considering your situation. But again, it is what it is and sometimes that's what you have to deal with.

My mother is also mean and nasty and even my daughter's visits have become less frequent. I understand no one wanting to come here, but it makes me mad none the less because does she think I want to be here? No! I feel deserted. My mom is horribly mean to anyone I attempt to get stay with her so I can get out sometimes (and I'm talking maybe 45 minutes a week) and when I do that she stays angry at me for days with the silent treatment, slamming doors, etc. So much tension it's just unbearable.

Is there any way she can go to a home? Would you do that? Will the country provide financial aid if she has no funds?

You call your mom a narcissist. Was she always that way or is that new? If it's new, then it's part of what is going on in her brain. If she was always that way, could be it will only become worse.

It's very hard to tell people to take a deep breath and accept their horrible situations, but if there is no solution that's about all anyone can do and it does make it easier. I try to reach for compassion as I realize a great deal of her behavior is not her fault, it's a scientific fault of what is happening in the brain and that's not her fault. Sure, I still get angry and that's only natural.

Please stop trying to buy happiness with your credit cards as you've only now hurt yourself. You aren't going to find it in a store. Really look at your situation and see what can change. It also helps to accept the role of the adult and look at your mom as a child. That gives YOU more control. Having your mom live with you creates a confusing set of emotions because you still feel like the little girl. When I began viewing my mom as a child, things became somewhat easier for me as time has gone on.

I don't know if any of this will help you. Vent when you need to because that helps as well. Take care.

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