Last Christmas With Mom
I’ve been writing into this blog for nine years, the span of time covering my caregiving journey with mom. I sit by the side of her bed this morning and watch her taking her last breaths on earth. I’ve always written into this specific blog, the “anger and resentment” one. Today I have neither.
Today I only have a confused, bewilderment of people’s life journeys. Nine years ago I was perfectly healthy, or so I thought, but recently I found out through many doctors appointments that I have six bulging discs in my lower back and arthritis in my entire spine.
I had so many plans to move out of moms house, set up my own house that has sat empty, travel with my life partner, and now I can barely get out of bed and put my socks on.
I’m in pain all day, every day, and I’m only 64 years old. I know many people whose lives have been turned upside down and many others who are already gone at young ages. My own brother passed away suddenly at age 59.
His wife had a freak accident and was paralyzed in a wheelchair. Still, after all that, I thought, but not me. I now join the ranks of those who say, “I never thought calamity would happen to me”. I truly never saw this coming.
Never had a back ache. Started getting some leg pain six
months ago and woke up one morning and couldn’t move. Pain level ten.
My mom is 99 years old. Literally dying of old age. No disease, no ailments, never even a surgery. She shut down a couple of days ago and is in a deep sleep. She will quietly, painlessly take her last breath in her sleep.
At my age, I believe she was touring Europe with Dad and taking countless trips in the US, to national parks, and visiting their grand kids. And I can’t put my socks on.
So I ask, Why me? Why now? Any answers? Well, bad things happen to good people.
At this point, I have less grief for mom’s passing, then I do for my own future.
She’s on a right and perfect trajectory. My life has been derailed.
I don’t know how bad this is going to get for me, since its so bad now. I watch a lot of YouTube videos of strong, courageous people. I look to people in my own life who endure physical and emotional suffering.
When I was healthy I saw only healthy people. Now that I’m in my own pain, I see all the others. I thought I went deep taking care of mom, but God apparently wants me to go deeper.
I hope I can measure up to God’s expectations because I’ve already contemplated checking out. See what today brings, is all I have for now.