Killing Me....

by Falling Apart Finally

I was shocked to see so many and similar predicaments with an aging parent being abusive. Please don't get me wrong, I have a master's degree in mental health, I know abuse exists and runs rampant in this country.. however my situation leaves me feeling isolated. I always believed up until now I was a survivor of abuse as a child. I justified being abused by investigating my parents passed trying to understand the Vicious Cycle and validating their reasons for being so "bent'...

I could write a book, fast forward 30 years and I've completely destroyed my life by making choices that was selfish self-centered narcissistic whatever you want to call it --

I became an addict, then a felon--never blaming my parents--I take full responsibility for my actions as a child as a teen, as an adult. I truly believed all that abuse has made me resilient and strong and a survivor of everything anyone including myself could put me through.

If there was one thing in this life I was 100% sure of it was my ability to survive--I have 15 years clean manage to get three degrees and seven years and maintain a good job until recently when

I graduated with my master's degree June of 2015. I had to resign from my position at a community college because my job was contingent on me being a student not a problem considering I am now educated with plenty of experience to back my degree.

I have requested to take a year off I had breast cancer during those years and maintained my job, raising my child, and continuing school without any assistance , literally I drove myself to chemotherapy in between job and classes.

Did I mention one thing I knew how to do for sure was survive? there so many details they need to be disclosed and I just don't know where to start I had a sister she passed away when I was 16 car accident I have a brother who was given 3 months to live 23 years ago with multiple Myeloma + this would be mom's favorite) I have no resentment towards my brother (FYI)... my mother hates me she always has she hates my father she blames me for things he did...

I've always accepted and completely understood--once I heard her on the phone talking to someone on the East Coast they did ask her how she was doing her reply was "I have one in the grave, one on the way to the Grave, and one that should be!".

In case you missed something -my sister- in the grave my brother on the way to the Grave -and me who should be in the grave. Okay deep breath and on to my current situation recently my mother has been over the edge abusive hitting me where she has never hit me before accusing me of being abusive to her..

She has quite a few support groups such as grandparents as parents and the like many of those who are social workers however because my past is a dark one they tend to believe her, after all she spent her whole life moving to people she is a stellar mother, friend, Etc.

I even have friends who will side with her before they side with me they think she's absolutely hysterical, a great woman who's endured so much..

My sister's death by drug addiction raising my oldest child my brother's cancer my father's abuse Etc. when no one seems to hear or believe or even want to come to terms with is that she created a lot of the drama-granted she really had no control over my sister's accident--or my brother's multiple Myeloma.. but the years of abuse by my father which had impacted all three of her children's lives and our futures I just don't know how to explain it... bottom line she's not going to rest until I'm either dead or in jail.

She's been erasing me my whole life - it took years of therapy for someone to convince me of that - I refused to believe it--but it is true every time I went out and relapsed or went to jail my mother would get a dumpster and throw everything I own out including things that belong to my sister that I tried so hard to hang on to I would need to start over every time I step foot into this house.

I'm a class act screw up.. but even when I tried to get my s*** together she
would somehow remind me what a POS I am and how I would never amount to nothing despite what I do. she's a food shopaholic I don't know what else to call it she grew up in the depression she must have starved because her whole world revolves around food and she has quite a reputation in the neighborhood for being an excellent cook however she doesn't have the means to shop she's worse than a drug addict jonesing for a fix.

I can't help her financially anymore because I no longer capable of getting the job due to background checks and my past is quite tainted she resents me all the way for this however my children suffer the most my 25 year old daughter my mother and my brother recently reported me to DCFS on some lies that were never proven I was never charged with anything and I just couldn't take the fight anymore they gave my son to the father who never acknowledged him in 15 years that is a whole nother story but still the predicament.

I'm currently I raise my 15 year old son in my mother's home still despite the fact that she has guardianship and father has custody my son is my responsibility they get all the glory and the money from the state and hang that over my head every chance they get. I truly feel I'm going to snap.

DCFS is such a corrupt system how they haven't been exposed blows me away. there are whistle blowers all over the Internet exposing them and there corruption yet nobody with any power addresses the situation --no one--I do not understand who is protecting Department Children and Family Services I may never live to find that answer--now my mother has learned about elder abuse and is playing that fiddle loud.

I tried to get housing-I can't even find legal help for family law-my youngest is 15 and I keep thinking by the time I get all this settled he'll be of age and it won't matter-- my son is my only witness to what I endure- I love him to death but he just doesn't know how to articulate the situation and he gets scared of confrontation at least he did during the DCFS situation I think he knows now he was 12 at the time and blindsided buy the whole thing.

In hindsight I'm sure he can see the forest through the trees still my hands are tied why I stay here is beyond me other than the obvious to keep some stability in my son's life-despite the daily abuse which has to be affecting him I have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to.

I have no way to support myself or my son because my background still weighs more than my degrees... when my mother passes away my brother will inherit everything as I've been disinherited--that's the least of my worries--my concern is becoming my mother and living a life full of resentment guilt and regret and taking it out on my children like she did-being sad because I never had a relationship with my mother that was ever healthy and knowing I never will.

She will never ever ever admit she was wrong responsible for anything negative she only validates her good qualities... she is pure evil.

Recently I have been referring to her as Satan... I used to call her the general then she became the warden now she has retired into the full position of Satan.. she's worse than any drug out there.. cunning baffling charming...toxic destructive- and spits venom as she speaks (unfortunately I'm the only one besides my son who can see this).

Yet here I am every time she takes a stroke or has a heart attack saving her life...lucky me!!

Please someone guide me in the right direction. I feel stupid and I can help so many others but I can't help myself..

I've never felt so much hate and resentment towards any human in my life like I feel towards my mother... even worse she has poisoned my daughter and there's just no turning that around my 25 year old hates me as much as I hate my mother.

I'm sorry if I appear all over the place I just don't know how to tell the whole story and it's ugly details--I have left so much out 50 years of abuse and I'm out of stamina I'm not as resilient, the warrior in me has fallen. Thank you for (Please excuse typos-punctuation-etc..sent from cellphone.)

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