Just Venting.....

Hi.... Everyone in overwhelmed land,

Today, I just need to vent anonymously to relieve some pressure on myself. Truly, I do not want to help take care of my mom anymore. I feel depressed after I've been with mom. Although I touch mom lovingly on the back or arm and hug her and tell here she looks pretty (which with those amazing blue eyes and beautiful skin she does look pretty) I look at my mom and do not recognize the old person I'm looking at.

I miss my vibrant, feisty strong mom. Today, my sister left a note "go do this go do that" Okay, I did but when I took mom to get her glasses checked the doctor's office says, "oh, look here it's been 2 years...blah, blah, blah" So, now a new doctor appointment gets added to my "things to do" (isn't that the way it is? when will I stop expecting that there will be periods of time without any doctor appointments). When a person has a healthy baby you know (barring something happening) the baby will grow up and move on, with elderly parents we have no idea how long living two lives will go on.

I was so sad today when I went to my car after taking mom around and my car smelled "like my mom" and that wasn't a great smell. My mom used to smell so yummy, like Shalamar but with her troubles her body is...well...anyway....We need a place on this website for days like today where I/we can go to get a "pep talk" of sorts, suggestions for making the best of our days not just reading everyone's stories of over whelmedness but success stories too.
I here myself say "you are so selfish" but I know that's not completely true but it is true today.

I am not feeling compassion for mom today like I usually do I'm feeling sorry for myself...not a great place to be. I am making dinner for mom right now and need to drive the 10 miles one way again today to bring her dinner and eat together.

I remind myself at times like this to enjoy each moment because one day she will die and ...no more dinners....I'll probably even miss the doctor appointments. It's really crazy making isn't it?

Love to all of you who are living this life for now may we find some sort of joyful thing to focus on today.
Not wanting to help anymore.

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Amen to all Comments
by: Anonymous

Hi from Kentucky.... My 91 year old dad smokes like a forest on fire. He is not sick but he is an alcoholic. Our mother has been gone for 10 years now. Dad has fallen a few times, so a couple of us decided we should stay with him at nights after we get off from work.

Our dad was very abusive to our mother and was not a good father. We didn't realize how selfish and into himself he was until she was gone and we had to start caring for him. There was 7 of us now there are 5. The 2 that passed away lived out of state and were my mom's (not favorite but seem to want to be and were always dependent on her for money and sympathy and they were always sick).

The 5 of us here....3 of us live within 10 minutes of dad and 2 live 2 hours away. My one sister does more than her share....post office, grocery shopper and the 2 of us seem to do every thing. Everyone seems to forget what all there is to do to run a household. (just joking, we all have homes to clean, laundry, doctors appointments.....get this we have kids , grand kids, husbands,and we work 40 to 50 hours a week).

The 2 of us are just stressed all the time and the others don't want to really be there. Thanks for listening. I could write more....
by the way my dad has no money left and everything he has isn't worth having. Thanks.

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MY ONE HOUR
by: Anonymous

I rise early in the quiet morning darkness and come to the white light of the computer screen. With my hoodie over my head for even more solitude, I share comfort, laughter, and tears with my fellow caregivers at this forum. This is my One Hour. This is the only time I have alone by myself, with my thoughts, without my mother.

I had to move back into my mom's house to take care of her. The house that has been her home for over 50 years. There is no place me here, except small carved-out corners where I'm allowed.

This website has been a blessing. All my friends sympathize with me, but after a while, I feel so selfish and whiny, complaining about every little thing. But it's those little things that end up driving me over the edge. Every morning I get up and vow to be the bigger person. I listen inside for that life lesson, that affirmation, that direction, that guidance that will help me get through the day without anger, guilt, resentment, and self-pity.

Some days I make it and most days I don't. I feel like the water is almost up to my neck. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living. I feel like I'm faking my life. My mom and I don't talk about any of this. A couple of times she said to me, "You don't look happy. Are you happy?" And I say No, I'm not, hoping this will lead to a solution for both of us. But she immediately makes it about herself and says, "Oh maybe I should just go into a home." Then I spiral into the guilt, and I appease her, and the conversation ends.

I truly don't want to be at-odds with my mom for whatever years we have together. I just want a life too. I want recognition for needing a life. I want understanding. I want to be heard.
Today I will be the bigger person. Today I will hear words of wisdom that will guide me to a solution. Today I will not be angry.

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Tough Situations
by: Anonymous

Boy there are a lot of us out there. I think my mother has been mentally/emotionally handicapped since I can remember. My husband and I have taken care of her financially for all 34 years that we have been married.

Now with the aging, we had to move her in with us 5 months ago. Every day is a new complaint; something is always wrong. I applaud you all who have done this for years. I get depressed thinking about having to have her in our lives for that long.

The doing her shopping and financially making sure she is OK is not the issue. However, I somehow still allow her to "suck the life" out of me with every encounter. I am her "whipping boy" or girl in this case.

I wish I could say I had lots of memories or her being strong, etc. I just see a leech, and it really overwhelming at times. She would not meet medical criteria to go to a nursing home, or I would put her there. I know that sounds terrible. Just need to vent these angry feelings.

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Same for Me
by: Anonymous

I understand you loud & clear. I am sick of it and she keeps on falling, why? She doesn't walk, sits all day, all night so of course her legs give out. I have to lift her dead weight, thank God she is small, but it is killing my back.

She has walkers but of course they are not near when she is falling. This is all too much for me. I want to runaway.

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We are Twin Caregivers, I swear...
by: Anonymous

Just recognizing and understanding EVERYTHING in your post helps me. And I mean EVERYTHING. Thank you. I'm not alone.

It occurred to me that you and I could probably switch lives with one another and each of us would pick up on the other's routine in half a day. Our siblings probably wouldn't even notice there was a different person there.

Like you said, there are the good days, the small gems. Finding this site and this sisterhood (primarily) of caregivers is my blessing today.

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Understand : )
by: Anonymous

I understand where you are coming from...and it does help to vent. All the feelings you describe are normal and everyone has them at some point or another when in our shoes. Bless you for what you are doing and I hope next days are better. One day at a time.

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Relate to you
by: Anonymous

I totally relate to you. I have been caring for my mother for at least 7 years. My life is totally consumed, between my demanding job and caregiving, I have only bits and pieces left in my day to do anything.

Granted, I'm single so I do squeeze in a workout and some reading, but I have no time for social commitments. My "friends" went by the wayside because I couldn't spend the day traipsing to New York with them to a show or whatnot. Mom is starting to slide downhill (she's 90). Yes, there are doctor appointments nearly every week. I have to use vacation time to get out of work to take her, because doctor offices for the most part don't have appointments at night or weekends.

It's one thing after another. I don't blame her, it's not her fault that she's old and sick. My siblings do not help. I have 2 houses to maintain (hers and mine) and am busy night and day. I get up at 4 AM to squeeze in a workout. I get up at 6 AM on weekends to do food shopping, laundry, and cleaning before heading to my mother's to take her out for a few errands and then spend the rest of the day with her. I spend part of Sundays with her cooking and eating a Sunday dinner with her (because both of us would otherwise be alone).

I'm sick of hearing people's stupid impractical advice. My mother is 100% in her right mind and controls everything about her own life. I have no say about where she is supposed to live or what she is supposed to do about cleaning out the house or whether she will take a certain medication or eat a certain food. She does whatever she pleases. I am just there to support her.

I'm trying my best but there are days when I want to scream. She can be difficult and my work is very demanding so I often feel pressed between 2 elephants. The worst of it is when my sibling goes off on a vacation when I haven't had one in years.

I am also resentful of coworkers who spend every weekend at their vacation homes and going to festivals and movies and whatnot because I am busy "working" at my responsibilities all weekend. Like you, I just need to vent.

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Too True
by: Anonymous

You have just summed up every day of my life for the past year. I am the 24/7 caregiver of my mother-in-law. She lives in my home. She won't do anything for herself. Not even get a drink of water. It is very depressing. I don't know how I'll ever make it through the holidays.

You are 100 percent correct. Everyone needs some sort of web page of encouragement. But, more than that, I would love some kind of out of home respite care for her occasionally. I would be forever grateful if someone would take her for a couple of months, so that I could have my old life back.

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