Hi.... Everyone in overwhelmed land,
Today, I just need to vent anonymously to relieve some pressure on myself. Truly, I do not want to help take care of my mom anymore. I feel depressed after I've been with mom. Although I touch mom lovingly on the back or arm and hug her and tell here she looks pretty (which with those amazing blue eyes and beautiful skin she does look pretty) I look at my mom and do not recognize the old person I'm looking at.
I miss my vibrant, feisty strong mom. Today, my sister left a note "go do this go do that" Okay, I did but when I took mom to get her glasses checked the doctor's office says, "oh, look here it's been 2 years...blah, blah, blah" So, now a new doctor appointment gets added to my "things to do" (isn't that the way it is? when will I stop expecting that there will be periods of time without any doctor appointments). When a person has a healthy baby you know (barring something happening) the baby will grow up and move on, with elderly parents we have no idea how long living two lives will go on.
I was so sad today when I went to my car after taking mom around and my car smelled "like my mom" and that wasn't a great smell. My mom used to smell so yummy, like Shalamar but with her troubles her body is...well...anyway....We need a place on this website for days like today where I/we can go to get a "pep talk" of sorts, suggestions for making the best of our days not just reading everyone's stories of over whelmedness but success stories too.
I here myself say "you are so selfish" but I know that's not completely true but it is true today.
I am not feeling compassion for mom today like I usually do I'm feeling sorry for myself...not a great place to be. I am making dinner for mom right now and need to drive the 10 miles one way again today to bring her dinner and eat together.
I remind myself at times like this to enjoy each moment because one day she will die and ...no more dinners....I'll probably even miss the doctor appointments. It's really crazy making isn't it?
Love to all of you who are living this life for now may we find some sort of joyful thing to focus on today.
Not wanting to help anymore.