Just the beginning?

by Ellie
(United States)

Well, currently taking care of 2 bitter, manipulative, lying women who love to play victim.

One of them is my 66 year old alcoholic mother with Alzheimer's. The other is my boyfriends 73 year old grandmother who is walker-bound and constantly falling.

I challenge anyone to find a vacuum that sucks better than these 2 women. They will suck your soul, energy, happiness kindness, patience right out of your body while they have absolutely no energy themselves.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. 3 out of the 4, we have been caregivers. We dropped everything and helped take care of his first grandmother who has now passed. God rest her soul. She was a wonderful person.

Now he is taking care of his other grandmother with no help from his siblings. The only thing they're worried about is their inheritance. It blows my mind the mental gymnastics siblings will do to justify not helping.

My boyfriend and I are currently doing a long distance relationship as his grandmother lives 3 hours away from my parents. I get to see him every 2-3 weeks. While his siblings live 5 minutes away from her, but refuse to go over there. They're just "sooooo busy and stressed" with their own life.

I'm an only child, so no potential help on my side of the family besides
my father who is 65 years old. With how much my mother stresses him out I fear he will soon need care, as well.

I'm wondering if his first grandmother was just the start to all of this. My mother is in bad shape. His grandmother is in bad shape. His father is starting to decline.

My father might follow. Soon enough we'll have our own nursing home. How many people will need caregiving? I'm 26 years old, not married, won't be anytime soon, as we have no time for ourselves.

Kids are out of the question until we are no longer caregivers, which, honestly, who knows when that will be.

I'm sorry for complaining. I'm angry right now and throwing a pity party. I needed to vent. Our future seems bleak at the moment. It feels like we are doomed to be caregivers our whole lives.

It's just going to be one family member after another with no help from extended family. I'm worried this will take it's toll on our in the future. I'm changing into a bitter person and I don't know how to stop.

The only thing that keeps me going is my wonderful father and boyfriend. Which I will always be grateful for. I know it could be worse. Like I said before, just needed to vent a little bit.

Thanks for listening.

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Don’t put your lives on hold.
by: Anonymous

I don’t know where you are from, but depending on their financial situations and where they live, Medicaid might be an option, if they didn’t save and put away money. They need assisted living or nursing home placement.

Your mom is only 66, she could live a long time even with her dementia (which may have been caused by her chronic alcoholism more so than Alzheimer’s).

I don’t know the age of your boyfriend or his grandma, I will guess they are both fairly young. You are 26 and probably in the best health you will ever be in.

You can’t wait until you are 50 to get married and start a family unless you plan to adopt children instead of having them biologically. I know this sounds bitchy, but you are under no obligation to care for someone who’s own reckless behavior and poor choices put her in this predicament.

Don’t put your own lives on hold. Did either of these women have to give up the best years of their lives to be care givers for their elderly parents or grandparents? Probably not?

From what I read in your post it seems they are too self entitled and narcissistic to take into consideration, the needs of anyone but themselves.
Your boyfriends siblings are not entirely wrong for not getting involved, but they need to understand that there will be no inheritance.

That money will be needed to pay for assisted living or nursing home. If they don’t like that plan and still insist on getting the inheritance, your boyfriend needs to relinquish the caregiver role to the siblings and leave. I wish you the best.

vent away
by: Anonymous

that's why this site is here from what I can tell.
Bless you for doing what you do.

Read all you can about caregiving and narcissism. They seem to be intertwined from what I've experienced. Hang in there.

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