Just Don't Want to do it Anymore

by Cynthia
(Tuscaloosa)

I take care of my elderly soon to be 84 year old mother. She is bedridden unable to get up and use a potty. I cook or fix her breakfast and lunch. I share this responsibility with my 2 brothers. i am thankful that I get to go home everyday. I retired early from work with plans of traveling or just doing what ever I wanted to do.


Prior to retiring my mother suffered a minor stroke I worked midnights while she was in rehab every morning she would call me to bring something to her all I wanted to do was go home and sleep.

She never called my brothers because she said they couldn't afford to take off she recovered was using a walker to get around in her own home then she suffers a major heart attack. Sent to rehab, she was Sent home then pneumonia back home on 24/7 oxygen.

I was expected to stay in the hospital every night each time she had an extended stay and to remain with her during the day. I finally had to tell her you are under care of nurses and doctors, then she would say well this nurse scares me.

Once I retired is when she became bedridden hence the resentment of not being able to do what I want to do its going on 4 years now I'm 62 with major arthritic issues shoulder (need replacement) hip need replacement and lower back issues..I try not to complain but I hurt so bad sometimes.

I told her if she would or could just use a potty or bed pan it would be a big he!p. She constantly tells me she thinks she's had more strokes, she can lift her legs up better than me even while in hospital they are amazed at strength in legs.

I told her she just gave up and this is a job taking care of her, her response to that was I took care of my mom it wasn't a job to me. I feel like because I'm the daughter I'm held more accountable.

Today I told my mom I hated cleaning her poopy diapers because I had to do it 4 times. I can leave for appointments but always rushing to get back to her. She has a cell phone inside in case electricity goes off.

I was at doctors appointment she called because her oxygen stopped working I told her she would need to call someone else. I'm bored depressed full of guilt because of how I feel thanks for letting me vent.

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I can understand how you feel
by: Anonymous

I am not a full time caregiver as my mother is still in rehab, but I can understand 100% how you feel. I have spent the last 13 years or so looking after my mother, thankfully she doesn't have any major issues at this time, but her mobility has gotten quite worse.

I tried to put her on a plan many years ago with light weights to keep her muscles strengthened but she wouldn't listen. Now, just one hospital stay of one week put her in a rehab for over 3 weeks now and counting.

She didn't even have enough strength to lift her head of the pillow or scoot herself up in bed as she basically has no muscles left. It was not looking good until she got out of there.

After my father passed away about 13 years ago, she clung to me. Every time I wanted to go on a little vacation I had to hear oh what if something happens and still hear it.

I'm stuck in a state I cannot stand and which is extremely expensive which is holding me back from setting myself up for retirement because she will not move, even though I am her source of entertainment.

I am expected to go to rehab every day to visit. I will add I am a daughter too- the only child- which makes it worse.

I get how you feel. I know it feels like when will you ever be able to start living your own life.

Will it be too late to ever have your own life- especially when you've always been there for your mother's whims and wishes. I think part of it too is that we feel helpless seeing our parents down and out and we can't do anything at all about it so we lash out in resentment and anger.

It makes it worse when the parent seems to not even try. No one wants to remember their loved ones in a state where there's no dignity for them if you will.

When I lost my dad it was sudden and he was still young but he was also still vibrant and that's how I remember him. I am glad I don't have to remember him as bedridden and not able to care for himself. That is not a good memory and it sticks in your mind. I hope all this has made sense and thanks for letting me respond.
All the best to you!!

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I too was once a caregiver - the most difficult job I ever had
by: Richard

Let me first of all tell you that I fully understand how you must feel. My elderly mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2015. The disease quickly progressed until she passed away in July of 2018. My brother and I decided to keep our mother out of a nursing home and take care of her at our home.

As the disease progressed, we did bring in a home health care aid to bathe and dress our mother every morning. I had many of the same feelings that you described in your post. I often resented that my mother was keeping me from doing the things I wanted to do.

I did the best that I could do trying to take care of my mother. Yes, I had to change poopy diapers often and clean my mother up in the shower, and do a lot of laundry every day.

There were a few falls and illnesses which in hospitalizations and subsequent rehabilitation stays in nursing homes. But my mother bounced back several times which I was happy about. I took my mother out to lunch practically everyday. She looked forward to going for car rides to her favorite restaurants.

As time progressed and her health continued to fail, these outings became more difficult. She eventually became wheel chair bound. My mother suffered a cardiac arrest almost a year ago while at home.

She ended up being placed on a ventilator in the hospital and was in a coma in the ICU. She suffered anoxic brain injury due to lack of oxygen after her cardiac arrest. The doctors insisted my mother was not going to recover and after a couple days in the ICU, suggested it was time to remove life support and allow her to die.

I hoped and prayed my mother would wake up. My mother was in a state of coma for 10 days after the cardiac arrest. On the tenth day, my mother was removed from life support and passed peacefully after less than 10 minutes.

I only wish this had never happened. I wish my mother was still at home and alive. I would give anything to have had the opportunity to continue caring for her. I miss my mother so very much. Even cleaning up the poopy diapers.

I regret the selfish way I felt when my mother was alive. I hope you will st least re-think how you feel about having to take care of your mother.

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