Jeckyl and Hyde
by Dealing with Jeckyl and Hyde
My family was subjected to an alcoholic father who brutally beat my mother regularly. We had a special word for when the screaming would break out so if someone was around like a friend we could clear them out.
All of us are affected through the rest of our lives from the experience.
My father became ill and my mother met his needs at home bathing and caring for him till he went to a nursing home. Eventually he passed away. I paid for his care at the Home.
Mom moved forward meeting a man who was equally brutal.
She actually left him.
At 70 she met a man at a senior function who was actually good to her. He was in a care facility and she took him out to live with her. 2 years later he had a debilitating stroke so she moved into a level 4 care facility with him.
As time went on they were separated by his move to full care. She choose to remain in the level 4 care facility to my surprise. He passed away.
I live 600 miles away from her. I had phone conversations with believing she was mentally capable of handling some of her things along with the help of my sister who lived near her. I would go and mom seemed normal for her age and situation. Moms husband passed away just prior to my sisters husband becoming ill.
She sold her house and said she washed her hands of mom and it was my turn. Mom arrives on my doorstep with suitcases of clothing looking truly awful and sick. My other sister arrives and says she is taking her to her home in another city.
She packs some of the clothes and flies away without mom saying she wasn't ready for her??? I had eventually thought mom might come and live in my city so I scoped out the facilities and her name went on a transitions waiting list.
Meanwhile, I took the next month or 2 to find a doctor as she was seriously ill. Her previous doctor loaded her up with narcotics (zoplicon, citalipram and Ativan maximum dosages along with pain killers etc.).
She couldn't remember, had swallowing issues, was dizzy and on a weekly trip to the hospital because she was extremely dizzy, had heart palpitations, shortness of breath and had several falls). She had heart failure and kidney failure.
I sat day and night at the hospital with her. My sister had promised she could live with her in her basement suite. At Christmas she took mom for a visit. She set her living room.
Transitions called with a room for mom was considering staying with my sister as she thought she would live in the living room at her house. She found out that she would have to live in the basement suite with Home care coming while my sister worked long hours and so she picked the care facility here.
Moms needs increased as she became sicker and the drugs played havoc with her ability to function and with her mind. She became ill moving in and out of the hospital. I sat day and night time after time with her.
When I asked if my sister would come and let me get away she said not right now. My sisters called the staff to complain about moms care and told me the kitchen staff was caring for her (not: it was the homes care staff 4 x a day.
Mom had a huge fight at the lodge with staff members and they said she had to leave that she needed more care. She went to a level 4 care facility..
My mom is screwed up from a lifetime of abuse and plays my sisters and I against one another. She will lie to get what she wants and will blame anyone for her situation. My sisters are playing the game of blame and anger towards me as mom tells them I put her there and it is my fault that she could have lived with the one sister.
The problem was the stairs and a stair lift after I investigated is not to be used by someone who is dizzy (ongoing problem) and my mom who was totally not capable of living in her basement on her own.
I went everyday to her at the lodge. She was always angry and blaming me for something. I spoke with the doctor and after an assessment they began weaning her off the Ativan saying it built in her body because of her fluid build from heart and kidney failure. It took 1 year to wean her off Ativan. She blamed me because her drug was gone and I did it.
My sisters told her she could do what she wanted and I had no say as she is her own agent. They say she needs it for her anxiety. Wow!!, She had really crazy anger when she was on it. I keep telling myself I have to be strong to do what is best in spite of others.
While I was away they took her to her doctor to get the Ativan back for her. As the nurse in the office is a friend of mine and she mentioned they had been in. The doctor knew her situation and told her no Ativan.
Thanks to the doctor she has improved falling episodes and is off of a liquid diet, her dizziness has lessened and her memory has improved a lot although there is still some confusion. Her ability to manipulation and playing us against one another with
a clear mind has improved.
My sister was here in the summer. Her anger towards me was huge and when I went to see her she was extremely rude and abusive calling me child like and telling me to get out. I backed out of the room Mom is on gov. Subsidies and when her husband passed she filed the income tax as an estate (which is the correct way of doing it).
She received some monies that put her above the subsidy cap and they cut her subsidies. I was called useless stupid childlike and on an ongoing basis and told how do you make it through the day because h & r did her taxes wrong. I took them in again for review x 2, I gave them to MNP to review!
I phoned a CRA with revenue Canada and he reviewed and all 3 concurred correctness. My sister came for a visit. She was extremely Rude when I walked into Mom's room.
Moms legs were swelling and I noticed and said that I had noticed it could I have a look as she needs her diuretic increased when that happens and she snapped again saying she reported it.
If she did the staff never looked after it as her legs continued to swell and she landed in the hospital. It was me who sat day and night till she stabilized not my sisters.
She wanted to look at the income tax and wanted a document saying that her income tax was correct both from revenue Canada and from the accountant. I told her that revenue Canada said if they issue a document I would have to pay for as did the accountant but the fact that revenue Canada had not made changes to her file would indicate it was right.
She insisted so I said I was satisfied with the results and if she wanted to she could look into it further but I was not willing to do it again. All our names on on the power of attorney and they all have access to her bank account. I gave them certified copies so they could set up communication with the people they needed to talk to which they didn't.
My sister wanted to talk to senior finance and h&r but when she called they asked her to talk to mom for permission. Obviously she didn't set it up. She became angry and called me controlling.
Meanwhile before I got there my mom and my other sister had pumped her full of stuff like I forced her to go into a home and it was my fault when she could have lived in her basement..
I am a nervous wreck and I feel like both my sisters are abusive like my dad was. They scream accuse and belittle me. I am avoiding them as it is affecting my health my marriage and my happiness etc.
I think my sister should take her back with her and find out what she really is like (as she was 16 when she left Home and for years never visited and now she says she knows mom like the back of her hand), ha!
I don't hear her offering to take her anymore. When she first heard she may move I scoped everything out and had them come to see the results and what they thought.
My sister was supposed to do the same where she lives but I called one day when she found out that we wanted to come for a visit and review what was available for mom. oh! I hope you don't think bad of me but I haven't had time to review and look at what is available for mom.
That along with I am not ready for her was the catalyst that made me move forward and encourage mom to come here.
When mom is angry I leave. I have discussed when she treats me badly I will leave and come back later. She knows that. She tells my sister I just walk out on her. My sisters say I don't tell them what is going on but when I do they go into there abusive belittling mode.
There is a new home opening next month and they are encouraging mom to move originally by encouragement from me. I of course based on Mom's level of deterioration have changed my mind.
Where she is if she enters the hospital she can come back to her bed and things and they will care for her there till the end. I have managed to get her to see the in house doctor and she has physio, etc. OT.
In the new facility if she becomes ill and needs extra care she gets shipped to a 40 mile radius from here into respite which she pays over her care facility rents.
If after three months she has not rehabilitated she will be moved to a full care facility and have to give up her suite. She will not have an in house doctor and when she is ill she will have to go out to a doctor in a wheelchair.
She has actually started after 2 yrs going out of her room and playing bingo joined a choir, formed relationships with staff and after discussing this with doctor he thinks that it will not be a good idea to move her. I told my sisters what my concerns were and what the doctor said.
Mom's finances will have a shortfall come September and I will have to pay the $500.00 -$700.00 plus monthly shortfall for her medications plus anything else she needs.